Cat Humor

[MisterTinkles]

Difference Between Cats and Dogs...
A dog thinks: ‘Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me and take good care of me … THEY MUST BE GODS!’
A cat thinks: ‘Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me and take good care of me … I MUST BE A GOD!’
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My husband said it was him or the cat…I miss him sometimes.
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How To Clean A Cat
Thoroughly clean the toilet.

Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water, and have both lids lifted.

Obtain the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.

In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids.

Note: You may need to stand on the lid so that he cannot escape.
CAUTION: Do not get any part of your body
too close to the edge, as his paws will be
reaching out for any surface they can find.

Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power wash and rinse" which I have found to be quite effective.

Have someone to open the door to the outside and ensure that there are no people between the toilet and the outside door.

Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.

The now-clean cat will rocket out of the toilet, and run outside where he will dry himself.

Sincerely,
the Dog
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A Cat Heaven
One day a cat dies of natural causes and goes to Heaven. There he meets the Lord himself. The Lord says to the cat, "You lived a good life and if there is any way I can make your stay in Heaven more comfortable, please let Me know."
The cat thinks for a moment and says, "Lord, all my life I have lived with a poor family and had to sleep on a hard wooden floor." The Lord stops the cat and says, "Say no more," and a wonderful fluffy pillow appears.
A few days later six mice are killed in a tragic farming accident and go to Heaven. Again the Lord is there to greet them with the same offer. The mice answer, "All of our lives we have been chased. We have had to run from cats, dogs, and even women with brooms. Running, running, running; we're tired of running. Do you think we could have roller skates so we don't have to run anymore?" The Lord says, "Say no more," and fits each mouse with beautiful new roller skates.
About a week later the Lord stops by to see the cat and finds him in a deep sleep on the pillow. The Lord gently wakes the cat and asks him, "How are things since you arrived?"
The cat stretches and yawns and replies, "It is wonderful here. Better than I could have ever expected. And those Meals on Wheels you've been sending by are theeeeeeee best!!!"
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The Cat Scan
A man runs into the vet's office carrying his dog, screaming for help. The vet rushes him back to an examination room and has him put his dog down on the examination table. The vet examines the still, limp body and after a few moments, tells the man that his dog, regrettably, is dead. The man, clearly agitated and not willing to accept this, demands a second opinion.
The vet goes into the back room and comes out with a cat and puts the cat down next to the dog's body. The cat sniffs the body, walks from head to tail, poking and sniffing the dog's body and finally looks at the vet and meows.
The vet looks at the man and says, "I'm sorry, but the cat thinks that your dog is dead, too."
The man, finally resigned to the diagnosis, thanks the vet and asks how much he owes. The vet answers, "$350."
"$350 to tell me my dog is dead?!" exclaims the man.
"Well," the vet replies, "I would only have charged you $50 for my initial diagnosis. The additional $300 was for the cat scan."
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The Cat?
A couple were going out for the evening. They'd got ready, all dolled up, cat put out, etc.
The taxi arrives and as the couple go out the cat shoots back in. They don't want the cat shut in the house, so the wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes upstairs to chase the cat out.
The wife, not wanting it known that the house will be empty, explains to the taxi driver, "He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother."
A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab: "Sorry I took so long," he says, "stupid old thing was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out!"
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[SilverBullet]

cats.... cats EVERYWHERE! ^_^

Movies A man in a movie theater notices what looks like a cat sitting next to him. "Are you a cat?" asked the man, surprised. "Yes." "What are you doing at the movies?" The cat replied, "Well, I liked the book."

Front Seat A policeman in the big city stops a man in a car with a Siberian Lynx in the front seat. "What are you doing with that Siberian Lynx?" He exclaimed, "You should take it to the zoo." The following week, the same policeman sees the same man with the cat again in the front seat, with both of them wearing sunglasses. The policeman pulls him over. "I thought you were going to take that cat to the zoo!" The man replied, "I did. We had such a good time we are going to the beach this weekend!"

source: http://www.jokes4us.com/animaljokes/catjokes.html

What's every cat's favorite song? - A: Three Blind Mice!

[partis]

When i was younger i went downstairs one night to get a drink in the dark and stroking our black cat sooty and thinking hes got fat until i realised it was a different f***ing black cat that got into our house… and then it wouldnt leave and it was hissing at me when i tried moving it with a mop, it had no fear… eventually got to know this cat because it was sooty’s mate… which was nice because we had two other cats, brother & sister, tabbys, who were older than sooty and didnt like him or anybody!

[MisterTinkles]

When i was younger i went downstairs one night to get a drink in the dark and stroking our black cat sooty and thinking hes got fat until i realised it was a different f***ing black cat that got into our house… and then it wouldnt leave and it was hissing at me when i tried moving it with a mop, it had no fear… eventually got to know this cat because it was sooty’s mate… which was nice because we had two other cats, brother & sister, tabbys, who were older than sooty and didnt like him or anybody!

Thats definitely something YOU would do........playing with strange pussies.

[CellarDweller]

[CellarDweller]

[partis]

[partis]

[findingmyway]

[CellarDweller]