Mother is trying to cure me from being gay

[LONDONER]

Shouldn't the fact that your child is healthy and happy be the most important thing for you?

Absolutely!

[Bowyn Aerrow]

I actually would like to leave home so much, but I don't really have where to go. My mother and my brother are my only relatives and they both think the same. My boyfriend is out to his parents and as I understood from him, they are liberal people, but they don't know me and I don't want to fall upon their heads like some wanderer.

Do you really think I could get a job when I haven't even finished the high school yet?

I just would like to understand my mum. Why is it so tragic to have a gay son? I'm still her child and I'll always be. Shouldn't the fact that your child is healthy and happy be the most important thing for you?

Hmm. Well yes you can get a part time after school/weekend job to start. Uh, yes it is hard to do school and a part-time job at the same time. I did it for a longish period of time - correct I did not have a social life, yes it was hard, exactly I was exhausted all the time - all of those negatives do exist, however knowing that you are a half step further to moving out and getting your own life will be a sufficient reward to make it all worth while.

Furthermore, you most likely will not be able to find a full time job fresh out of high school. The economy sucks. But, those who have a part-time job when they start looking for full time end up having a greater chance of getting what jobs are out there.

Again start working on this stuff. No one is expecting you to save up first last deposit, security deposit, access fee and all of that for apartment, electricity, cable, etc. etc. etc. over night. It will take time to do it proper.

The thing with getting a part time job soonest is that you wil feel empowered. All of this 'you must change your sexuality' is taking your power from you, you feel out of control, at a loss, and most likely are seriously sitting there thinking things will be a lot easier if you just chuck it and at least pretend to be straight.... yes? No?

At least your mother hasn't kicked you out of the house for being gay. I know of people who were kicked out at a very young age for being 'that way'... and they managed to survive - barely, true, but they survived.

So you got a few advantages and a wee bit of hope of getting your wings about you when its time to leave the nest.

[Cuddly]

It sounds like you need to talk it through. You need to explain to your mum that this isn't a phase or an illness. You need to tell her that you've known for a long time, but you're happy with it and it's who you are. There are plenty of help to be found for your mother; pflag and all that. Your sexual orientation also changes her identity, to an extent. She is now <that mum with the gay son> and she needs to realise that this is fine. You are the most important thing in her life; whatever she does she genuinly thinks is for your best. Talk to her. Teach her.

[Rainbowmum]

Hi Anon,

I am really sorry this is happening to you , yes she should be happy that you are healthy and she should love you unconditionally, but right now she could be in shock, after all you have known about your sexuality for years.

I am not sure what she thinks this doctor is going to do, that sounds like some kind of church belief, I just hope it is not part of one of those horrific religious camps that I have heard so much about.

I know the thought of living a lie is absolutely awful ,but it is only for a short while.
Do not fight her on this ,digging in your heels will only make things worse right now.
Finnish school either get a job or go to college .

We are all here for you.

[MisterTinkles]

So tell your mother you will let her cure you of being gay, if you can cure her of being female.

[swalter]

The most important thing I can tell you is that your mother is wrong, and operating from ignorance and fear. There are no reputable psychiatrists or psychologists that support "conversion therapy", and such pseudoscience has already been debunked and found detrimental every major mental health foundation. I suggest you provide her with some information from the past decade, and if she doesn't come around and accept reality, get away from her as soon as possible. You are not broken, and you don't need to be fixed. Don't let her, or anyone else convince you otherwise.

[Anonymous]

Well, I do regret a bit that things are now as they are. I always thought that I'll tell my family I'm gay only when I'm independent and living away from them. Now they know it already and basically it's my own fault. However I never thought about pretending I'm "cured" and now straight. If I'm out, then I'm out, no turning back.

My mum told me I'm going to see a doctor whether I want it or not. I spoke with my boyfriend and he told me he's taking me to his place. I don't know should I. I would feel extremely uncomfortable when facing his parents and asking for a shelter.

And I'm not sure what exactly would this doctor do. How do psychiatrist tells what is wrong with the person? On the one hand I realize that being gay is not a sickness, one the other I'm starting to fear my mum might put me into a mental hospital.

[loserguy]

I empathize with you and I am trying to think of the solution which addresses damage limitation.

You seem to be reluctant to leave school. I agree - you should finish.
That means you need to live with your mother.
Your mother seems unhinged regarding your sexuality and it seems she may or may not ever accept it.
So to get her off your back, don't invite your boyfriend around to your house. He knows the situation. Second, talk to the neighbour and see if she is willing to cover for you. Even go on a few false dates.
Do whatever you have to do to lull your mother into a false sense of security. That way tour life will become more bearable and then, after school, you leave home (in a few months) and live your life as you should.
While I do not agree with much of what I suggested it is the only possible compromise I can suggest which will make your life more bearable over the next few month.

What a horrible situation to be in!
Good Luck.

[Pix]

If you're 18 then she should not be able to force you into a mental hospital. You have to be considered a threat to yourself or others before that happens. If it happens (most likely because your mother lies about you being a threat AND because she has a good insurance policy over you that the hospital eagerly promises to "cure" you) then SIGN NOTHING. 'Course such unethical scum might resort to criminal measures to get you to sign so don't meet anyone IN the hospital, not even for a brief assessment! Should you fear that this becomes a real danger then there are groups that defend the rights of those committed against their will, and the gay rights groups should be helpful as well.

[driftwood]

I don't sense an unsafe environment, I sense a bigotted environment and the challenge here is to educate and enlighten...

Most likely the doctor will see bigotry as the illness so I would go into this experience with a lot less angst that you currently are...

I think it would be a good idea to see the shrink. You could say to her that since you're an adult, you want to pick out which psychiatrist. That might not even be necessary, depending on where you live. If he's good enough he may even help your mother to understand.

As Bowyn Aerrow states "At least your mother hasn't kicked you out of the house for being gay." Giving your mother the benefit of the doubt, it sounds like she has your best interests at heart. From what you said she doesn't sound at all like the woman in the "Ask Amy" newspaper clipping.

Your mother has led a sheltered lfe, and has never been exposed to gay people. She thinks of homosexuality the same way most people think of hurricanes and earthquakes. They're what you read about in the newspaper, happening to other people. She wants to 'cure' you because she thinks that's the right thing to do. But note that at 18, you're an adult. No-one can put you into a mental hospital without your consent.

I would avoid bringing your boyfriend around, but you might enlist the help of the shrink and the blind date to get her to where she's no longer in a panic. Then give her some literature and eventually suggest PFLAG. Like dfiant said, I think educating your mother is the challenge here. There should really be no need to move out and change your entire life course. The challenges of supporting oneself even for someone who is prepared are not to be taken lightly.

It's unfortunate to be outed when you're not ready.
Whatever you decide, good luck.