25 year old guy thinking of coming-out. Looking for advice and guidance.

[hiimlee]

This is copied and pasted from a thread I created on reddit/r/gay. I got a great response and wanted to post here too to get some more perspectives. I hope that's okay.

Hi, I’m a twenty-five year old guy. I’ve known I was gay since I was a teenager. I’ve always kept it secret. I’m shy and introverted, I’ve also struggled with depression and anxiety over the last few years. My life has started to pick up lately. I’ve gotten a job, I’ve gotten over my depression and anxiety (or at least, learned to live with them). I’m much happier, more confident and more hopeful than I’ve been in a long time. I finally feel like it might be time to come-out and start living my life to the full. Allowing myself to be open and honest with everyone and stop feeling like I’m living a lie. I also often feel lonely. I don’t have any real friends and I’ve never had a romantic partner. I want to love and be loved and to finally stop feeling so isolated. My family are a mixed bag - I’m not sure how they’d react. I feel like my best chance would be to take things slow and gradually come-out to people one-by-one. Starting with the people I feel safest coming-out to. This is why I’ve started things here, it’s easier to do things through the anonymity of the internet. So I’m looking for any advice or guidance, even just general motivation and encouragement. I’m also looking for ideas on what would be the best method for coming-out. I’d also love to make some internet friends, feel free to PM me. Thank you!

[dfiant]

were you diagnosed by a professional with depression?
Was your depression treated with therapy or medication?

I'm sorry but I have a real issue with self dignosis and feel that too many people wear the tag of depression as a 'badge of honour' to seemingly fit in with the Joneses.

You don't 'get over' depression, depression is a black dog that is with you every waking moment of your day even when your condition is managed.

As far as coming out...another badge of honour...came out when you are ready, don't do it because there is pressure or you want to keep up with the Joneses.

I look forward to the day when we don't have to come out because to me is seem pretty fucking rediculous to disclose your sexuality...you don't need to declare you don't like the taste of peas.

The day is almost here that when us blokes can just fall in love and take our boyfriends home to meet the family and have their intentions questioned by the inlaws.

[hiimlee]

Thanks for the reply dfiant. I guess I should have been more rigorous with my definitions and explanations. I didn't realise it would offend people, I'm sorry. Not a good start. I generally speak informally, conversationally. That's how I decided to post this.

I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety. They weren't particularly severe, but enough that my doctor signed me off work for a year. I was offered medication but refused. I know you never truly get over these conditions. I did actually put something to that effect in the post. Saying that I'd learned to live with them, rather than gotten over them. Sorry for the poor wording. My mother has severe depression and behavioural problems. It's very hard.

Thanks for the advice on coming-out. I agree with what you say. I too hope for a day when it's not necessary any more. As I'm sure most LGBT people do. But I feel like that day isn't here yet.

Everyone assumes I'm straight, just really shy and frigid or something. Perhaps it would be possible to just live my life as an openly gay man. But making such a huge and sudden change what not only be nearly impossible for me - it would also be a massive shock to myself and everyone around me. I'd much prefer, for my own safety and mental stability to come-out (or whatever you want to call it) slowly and in my own way. I want to tell people, I want them to know and I want it to come from me. I want to be able to explain it. I feel it would also allow me to come to terms with things and adapt to life as an openly gay guy better, as well as the people around me.

I want relationships, I want love, I also want friendships - but I have no idea where to start. I'm very ignorant and naïve when it comes to all this. I feel like coming-out would help me to orient myself and get things started in a logical way. I feel like once I'm out, I'll have the confidence to start looking, and start living - without feeling like I have to be secretive and always be looking over my shoulder.

Overall though - I'd like to state - I'm generally pretty confused and unsure about all this. Don't take my words too strictly. I don't speak with much confidence. That's why I'm here looking for advice and guidance in the first place.

[findingmyway]

I would say if you want to come out, then go for it. The longer that you hold it in, the harder it is going to be to come out. Be sure to check out some of the other posts here about people who have come out. Sometimes, you're going to get a negative reaction initially. Just know that, especially with parents/close family, that initial disapproval can sometimes start to wane a bit. That's not always the case, but it happens enough for there to be some hope. Parents sometimes need time to "get over" their dreams of you being a straight man with a wife and children and all of the other traditional dreams that come with being straight. Once you give them some space, they may start to realize that what is most important is your happiness and not necessarily the future that they thought you would pursue. And, if this is not the case and the reactions are still bitter, remember Kurt Cobain: "I would rather be hated for who I am than loved for who I am not." Don't know if this was helpful to you or not. Good luck!

[hiimlee]

Thanks, that is helpful findingmyway.

I do want to come out, and I am going for it. But I'm doing things slowly. I'm sure things will naturally pick up speed as my confidence increases. I don't know if that's recommended or not, to do things slowly. It's just the only way I feel comfortable at the moment. Doing things suddenly and full-on would be near-impossible for me, and I'm not sure would work out too well. But I'm open to those ideas being changed.

I will definitely look at other posts on this forum, from my brief look it seems like a pretty awesome place.

I'm prepared for negative reactions. I know it's possible. I hope, if negative reactions do occur, that they'll only be temporary. But if not, the quote you put sums up my thoughts quite well.

[loserguy]

If it feels right for you then do it.
I think that coming out is a very personal and private thing but that is just my opinion.

You say you have no friends? Might it not be better to try to make a few friends first, maybe try to find someone nice, someone to share this on a more one to one level?

I am with dfiant here as whether a person is gay or straight should not be a drama. It should be accepted by all. It seems to me that in many cases the person coming out wants to be the focus of attention? That is fine if it helps them in some way but as I see it, if you truly accepted yourself in the first place, you wouldn't feel the need to get everyone else's approval and therefore would just get on with your life.
Is it reassurance that you need? To be told it is ok to be gay? If it is, then yes, it is ok to be gay and it is normal. We had no say in being born, nor in our genetic makeup and anyone who says different is ignorant.

Anyway, good luck with whatever decision you make.

[hiimlee]

Okay, let's say I didn't go through the process of "coming-out". How would that work? Would I just wait until people asked me? Would I just not care whether people thought I was straight or gay, or whatever?

How would I go about looking for friends and potential relationships? I don't feel like I could go up to random guys in the street I find attractive and ask them out. Partly because I'd be far too shy, partly because surely 99% of them would tell me they were straight.

I know there are gay bars, but I don't really drink and again, it would be a step too far. I don't feel ready for that yet. I guess what I'm looking for is a gradual way into all this.

How did you guys meet your early romantic/sexual partners?

[Cuddly]

I was 17, in the closet, met my husbear online and went to see him without telling anybody. I told my parents I was going to stay at a friends house (it was new year's eve).
I came out ~2 months after that and I am so happy I did.
Been with him for 7 years now.

To come out, I would start by telling my siblings. Then I would tell my mum. She would tell my dad. I started with my mum and then she told everyone and I was left feeling :S
But it all worked out and life is good!

[driftwood]

...you don't need to declare you don't like the taste of peas...

I don't understand all this hullabaloo about "coming out". Over the years I have told selected people about being bi. I never thought of it as coming out. I am still very much in the closet.

Might it not be better to try to make a few friends first, maybe try to find someone nice, someone to share this on a more one to one level?

You say you've never had a romantic partner. Does that also mean you've never had a sexual partner. I don't understand why someone who's not in a gay relationship would feel there's any reason to come out.

How would I go about looking for friends and potential relationships? I don't feel like I could go up to random guys in the street...

So you're going to put an announcement on the radio, or what? No I just don't see what you're getting at. Most people come out to those who are closest to them first. That won't help you meet other gay people.

Going into a gay bar would be a step too far, but you want to come out? I go the opposite route - coming out would be going too far, but I have been going into gay bars for years. And you don't have to drink. They serve soda. And if you live in or near even a small city, there should be some other venues. You need to look around to find them.

I want relationships, I want love, I also want friendships...

We all want those things. And some of us want to come out also. But there's no connection between the two.

[nfisher1226]

Gradual is a perfectly fine way to do this.

As for how, if start with someone who you are pretty sure will both have a positive reaction and maintain some discretion, then you've got a great ally through the rest of it. It might not even be a close family member or a best friend, in fact there's an argument to be made for starting out with someone less important to you to test the waters.

You should spend some time trying to get a sense of what the people in your life think about homosexuality. You can of course ask them directly, but there's plenty of ways to steer the conversation in that direction too.

It's worthwhile for some people to seek out a support group. Consider looking up pflag in your area. There's bound to be some other opportunities to socialize as well, but you're going to have to get out there and look for them. But it sounds like in your case this will be a doubly helpful thing, as it will get you more involved with other people in general.