Im 31 and I've only been out for 2 months, the guy Im seeing is 18 and is my first boyfriend. We've been together since I came out. At first things between us were amazing, we have a lot in common and always have fun together. But for the past two weeks he seems to be backing off significantly. Meanwhile, I've been going above and beyond for him from the start.
Recently, he either takes forever to, or just plain doesnt, respond to messages, he expends a lot less effort to see me, and when I we go out we only go he tries to have it involve a group.
I talked to him about it and he tells me he thinks we're doing great. But when I dug deeper he tells me he thinks we're moving too fast. So I tell him that we should talk about it and every time I bring it up he finds a reason that he cant. We havent slept together yet, and he claims to have had over 50 partners. He says he has been abused by many of them.
How should I proceed? Or am I wasting my time?
![[-]](https://gayspeak.com/images/duende_v3_local/collapse.png)
•
From what you say it does sound like he's leading you up the garden path (that might be british expression, apologies). If he's 18 years old and had 50 partners (sounds like an exaggeration), that probably ought to set alarm bells off ringing.
It sounds to me like he really liked you for a bit but now has lost interest.
Do you have many interests in common? What kind of things did you have fun doing?
•
It did set off an alarm, but I have no idea what the norm is on this side of the fence. A gay friend of mine is convinced he's still a virgin. Since I asked him about it early on I just rolled with it not wanting to start a problem over it.
We are both confessed nerds. We belong to a miniature wargaming group, where we share interest in a few of the same games. We watch the same TV shows and have similar tastes in movies and music as well.
•
At 18 you can have sudden interest and even faster disinterest.
Sounds to me he is avoiding with you. Perhaps he set his eyes on someone else already.
Also, at 18 you have a lot going on. I assume he is either finishing high school or starting college. Either way he is in a place in his life way different than yours and simply he may not want to be tied down in a relationship just yet.
Something about 50 partners even while maybe an exaggeration is something that should put a red flag somewhere.
So, you 2 ned to have a talk in person. And then plainly ask him is he interested in you at all?
•
You are wasting you time and you know it!
It is a natural thing for a guy who loves you to want to spend time with you, he doesn't. Even if the guy were busy he would make some time, he doesn't. If he loved you he would respond to your texts within reason and would reassure you, he doesn't.
I think you know the answers, the action you take must be your decision.
•
I wish some gay nerds lived near me.
•
I'm sorry, really but I'm afraid to tell you that your boyfriend probably wants to dump you but he doesn't know how.
While I'm sure there are some eighteen years old who are very mature for their age, it is still a very complicated age, at 18 most people just left their homes, finished high school and are having their first taste of freedom, hormones and stuff are playing a big part inside of themselves, in telling you that he thinks the relationship is moving too fast it seems to me that he doesn't want a serious relationship right now, he probably want to explore and meet a lot of people, that he evades you when you try to adress the issues tells me that he doesn't want to fix it, he probably got a kick of dating a 31 y/o attractive man and now he's ready for the next high.
Here's a question did you come out because of him? if the answer is yes, maybe he also feels pressured because of that, and about how things are on this side of the fence, is pretty much about the same as in the straight side, really gay relationships are not that different from straight relationships as you may think.
My advice would be to sit him down one day and tell him you need to talk to him, not want, need, if he actually complies try to express your doubts the most calming way, if he doesn't then that is your answer, he's not that in to you.
•
It's natural to get a little more used to someone as time goes on, and perhaps less touchy feely. He may be having some doubts... for example, he may be considering your age, how he feels about you --- the future with you, any number of other things.
He may be taking some time to think things through. While this shouldn't take forever, and shouldn't put your relationship on complete hold, it is normal for many people... personally I feel it's more normal for women, as many of my female friends went through these 'doubting' periods only to have relationships that are many years long, but I've no doubt men go through these too.
Keep being an amazing boyfriend, and he'll probably come around very shortly. If he doesn't, you'll know that maybe this isn't a relationship you're going to keep forever.
Note that if he keeps getting more and more distant, that it's more a matter of that he is deliberately building distance, than considering your relationship. In this case, you should bluntly ask him if he wants to be in a relationship with you.
As a last note, where there's a history of abuse, sometimes you need to work through that. Some people find a way to positively process their pasts on their own, but many more will need guided therapy. If you're concerned the abuse alone makes him undatable, or anything like that, please don't be. In my personal life, I and a great deal of people around me, have been victims of abuse, and while I know a lot of people would disagree with me, I think it makes you a better person if you can find a positive way of processing the reality of what's happened to you. Just be aware that counselling or therapy should be looked into if he's having difficulty with his past and/or trusting people.
•
Posts: 2,234
Threads: 36
Joined: Aug 2012
Reputation:
1
I'm a : Gay Man in an Open Gay Relationship
Starsign:  Aquarius
Mood:
NO 18 year old should be in a serious, committed long-term relationship unless it is exceptional circumstance where the two have clearly fallen in love (which is wonderful btw). What you describe sounds more like classic struggles due to differences rather than a reason to hope because of similarities. You may both be "inexperienced" despite his boasting, but you are clearly years apart in maturation. He sounds like the average teen growing into an adult. You sound like the adult with unrealistic expectations. Get help for yourself outside this relationship so you can be clear and reliable in your decision-making in his regard. Don't remain isolated and alone with it and DO NOT expect adequate supports among his social circle EVEN if they do play the same game as you. If you cannot establish supports as described THERE is your trouble and where you attention needs to be. Lighten up on him or you'll definitely push him to learn how to break hearts. 
 Life's too short to miss an opportunity to show your love and affection!
•
Quote:Get help for yourself outside this relationship so you can be clear and reliable in your decision-making in his regard. Don't remain isolated and alone with it and DO NOT expect adequate supports among his social circle EVEN if they do play the same game as you. If you cannot establish supports as described THERE is your trouble and where you attention needs to be.
Could you clarify what you mean by this? How would I go about esstablishing appropriate support? I've talked to some personal friends about the sittuation. Is that what you mean? I definately want to do the right thing as far as both of us are concerned.
•
|
Just starting out
