Feeling alone in a relationship

[Matt84]

I need some advice, I'm hoping someone can help me. I have recently met an amazing man and fallen completely in love and he says he loves me too. He is 26 and I am 29 and the issue is, he is asexual. We have been together for 4 months now and there has been no intimacy at all. He is very affectionate and open he holds my hand and kisses me in public and loves cuddles. He was honest with me from the start and he did tell me and I was completely fine with it. But now it's getting harder. I can't help but feel a bit rejected, I know he has had many sexual partners before me and it is starting to upset me that other people have been lucky enough to be intimate with him but me, the man he loves, there is none. I am willing to do what ever it takes to make it work and I am aware of medications that dramatically reduce sexual desire even to the point where it is eliminated all together and I think this would really help. Any information or advice you can provide would be greatly appreciated.
Thank you.

[megumidesu]

if he is truly asexual , that's not something he can change . it's a valid sexual orientation like being gay , straight , bisexual etc .

but , he's had "many" sexual partners before you ? was this before he discovered his asexuality ? because it seems strange (to me , at least , maybe i'm totally wrong) that someone could suddenly discover that they were asexual after so many intimate relationships .
maybe someone who knows more about it can explain ?

i believe in asexuality completely . i know that an asexual person can be romantically interested in other people and form good relationships . but surely someone who is asexual would know this early on , rather than after "many" relationships ?

i think there's something else going on with him ... you should talk to him about things

[Woollyhats]

Self medicating yourself to eliminate desire would probably produce some health risks.

I also don't like that you have a poll set up. You're letting the opinions of complete strangers decide or to comment on the status of your closed relationship. "Talking about someone" rather than "To them" doesn't often solve problems.

If he is actually asexual, he loves you a great deal, and you must understand that feelings of rejection are created in your head, and are your problem. If you want to end this relationship, be honest with yourself about why. . Also, if he is asexual his previous partners didn't gain anything you're missing -- they likely left him feeling miserable, used, and confused, especially when you consider that he probably couldn't figure out what was wrong with him at the time.

By the way, instead of spending money on medication, I would redirect that money into sex counselling to see if you can find any compromise. Many couples where one partner is more sexual than the other, for example, might consider making a schedule, finding ways of sex that are somewhat enjoyable for both partners.

I would also recommend looking into what asexuality is, and viewing personal stories from asexuals - especially ones in successful relationships. You may gain insight as to what can make your relationship work that way. Here's a good place to start where a lot of general questions you have will be answered right away:
http://asexualawarenessweek.com/asexuality-101/

Lastly, you really really have to talk to him directly about these issues.

[Matt84]

Thank you for your advice so far. Starting a poll was a bad idea in hindsight. This is the first forum I have ever been apart of.

[Matt84]

We are sleeping in separate beds tonight. I don't allow him to see my unclothed and it doesn't seem to bother him. I asked him maybe your asexual because you haven't found the "one" a guy that turns you on. His reply was maybe.

[megumidesu]

We are sleeping in separate beds tonight. I don't allow him to see my unclothed and it doesn't seem to bother him. I asked him maybe your asexual because you haven't found the "one" a guy that turns you on. His reply was maybe.

that's kind of like saying to a gay man , "maybe you think you're gay because you haven't met the right woman."

asexuality is a real thing . someone who is asexual isn't interested in sexual relationships , although they can still have them . they can be romantically attracted to people and form committed and loving relationships . asexuality isn't just a thing that happens when someone doesn't meet the right person.

[Matt84]

Thanks for that. I'm going to keep trying. I just wish it didn't hurt that's all.

[Matt84]

I have no desire to sleep with anyone else, it's not like I have uncontrollable urges I only want him. I think I'm just coming to the realization that for the rest of my life (if we are together that long) I'll be abstinent. But if he ever cheats on me (has sex with someone else) it would crush me and that scares the hell out of me.

[megumidesu]

But if he ever cheats on me (has sex with someone else) it would crush me and that scares the hell out of me.

if he did cheat , then he's been lying to you all this time and you definitely deserve better than that

[loserguy]

I see things in black and white.

I could not entertain someone like this on a relationship level as like you I would feel rejected. I do not know the reasons he says he is asexual but it is unreasonable for him to expect you to be.