Stay or Run Away

[boimcrazy]

I’ve been with my current boyfriend for a little over 6 six months. He is HIV positive and I love him. His virus status is of very little concern to me; the man is gorgeous, loving, and kind. However, when it comes to the bedroom he tells me he’s tired from working all day. Alternatively, if I try to come on to him I usually get pushed away. He tells me his HIV meds take away all his desire to have sex. We are hoping his Dr will change his meds so that we can have a normal sex life.
However, what if his libido doesn’t return, what then? I love him and need him. Nevertheless, there’s one thought in the back of my mind. That maybe, he’s just not sexually attracted to me. This is a possibility I need to prepare for. We have had sex several times and when he is able to maintain an erection, it’s great. However, I’m a little confused since he tells me it’s his HIV meds that are causing his ED and not me, then why can I get him hard when I’m giving him head but as soon as he tries to put himself inside of me he starts to go soft. I get frustrated, he gets embarrassed, and I feel bad for him.
I am very open about sex and can talk about it anytime, anywhere, with anyone. On the other hand, my boyfriend finds it hard to talk about sex of any kind. When I try to talk with him about possibilities other than medication side effects that may be causing his ED (IE: “Me”) the conversation ends with him becoming very defensive. I try to tell him this is not just his problem but mine also. Nevertheless, as far as he’s concerned the discussion is over.
When we became a couple, I became aware of his baggage and was willing to help him carry them. So if the problem is his meds then maybe sex for us can return to normal. However, if it’s me and he’s just trying to keep from hurting my feelings, what then? I Love Him and don’t know what I’m going to do if the change of in meds doesn’t work. He has already expressed his concern that I may leave him if our sex life does not improve. I don’t walk to leave but I want a satisfying sex life also. I’ve never had this problem before and need some advice on how to handle this.

[MisterTinkles]

Talk to his doctor about going to see a counselor about how his meds affect him and how he feels about it (sex that is).

It might be a psychological issue or his meds might really affect him like that.

If you care for him, then you should be willing to accept the responsibility and likelihood that his sex drive is gone. You will have to find some way to get over that and live with it.

I would see about talking to a counselor first.

[Bowyn Aerrow]

I have been in a mixed status relationship (me neg - him pos).

Yes some of the meds can fuck with the penis - big time, and they cause depression and other 'side effects' which make it a miserable thing for both individuals in the relationship.

Another factor here is that you are not 'just a fuck' to him. He actually has started to care/love you and the threat of making you sick, contaminating you most likely sits heavily on the back of his mind when sex is brought up.

When my ex came home positive I was totally fine with returning to condom wearing and I didn't consider it that big of a deal if I got positive too.

However it did not work that way in his mind. He grew more 'resistant' to the idea of sex - too tired, headaches.... lack of interest - unwilling/unable to climax.... All through that he kept telling me he didn't want to infect me.

So that right there may be the real deal going on.

https://www.google.com/#q=mixed+status+couples+hiv is a good place for BOTH OF U YOU together, as a couple to start researching how to make a mixed status relationship work.

They can work, and there can be sex and both partners satisfied and happy as clams - but both sides have to be able and willing to actually work on it.

Personally I refuse to get into a relationship with a positive person. Unless/until I become positive myself. There is a lot of stress related to the virus... those meds ain't perfect, and the virus affects so much.... A big one is you will start worrying over every sniffle, cough and minor fever he gets. If he doesn't have a great health insurance plan you will be wondering if you can afford those pills.

You and I are of the generation when HIV was a death sentence, if he is of the same age living through the deadly plague days will affect how he views his infection emotionally. Sure intellectually he knows medicine has a handle on it, but emotionally every HIV/AIDS patient he knew that didn't survive most likely haunts him.

I would recommend couples therapy and individual therapy. He has shit to deal with surrounding his status, and I assure you you will have shit to deal with because of it as well, if not now then a little down the road.

[loserguy]

I think it might be the medication and if that is the case you aren't helping!
However counseling might be a positive step as might visiting a doctor/urologist together?

[Wolfpack]

I agree with the orther posters,he may be deeply concerned about passing on his illness to you and this might be effecting him deeply emotionally.Counseling could be the best course of action for you.

[Cuddly]

Tough...

Other than what all the others have posted, he could get his testosterone levels checked, to see if they're low (seemingly they are often low in men with HIV). If they're low, that could be the cause of his ED and should be an "easy" fix.
I imagine sex to be a bit traumatic, for lack of a better word, for both parties in a mixed relationship.