Confused. To break up or not?

[mikamikachu]

Hello. I'll keep this short as I can.

So I'm with my girlfriend for more than two years now. So far, this is the longest relationship I've ever had. She's my first girlfriend but I've dated several guys before. Dating her, I think, is the best thing that happened to me. She gave me almost eveything I wanted --material or not, even if I wasn't asking for them. I am basically a spoiled girl when I'm with her. She listens to every problem I have and she'll stay with me even if she has no advice for me. She's very patient and can tolerate my mood swings and mean attitude and even becomes my brakes when I go hostile and mean to anyone I dislike. I am very comfortable around her, I think. I loved making love with her. I can tell her everything I want, from aliens to magical creatures to evrything that comes in to my mind. She's not only my lover, she 's also my best friend. You could say that what we had was almost perfect.

Lately, our relationship is not that great anymore. I know most of it is my fault. I'm getting bored and even if I try to re-ignite the spark, it will eventually fade after a few days or weeks. I don't get excited anymore when I see her and most of the time, I catch myself wishing to be left alone. I liked being with her all the time but now I'd would rather be spending my time reading a book alone. The times that I always check my phone for her messages is replaced by my lame excuses not to talk to her. We are living together for almost a year now but I am staying at my mom's place for more than a week and I don't feel like I like to go back to her. Before, her clinginess did not bother me but now it's different. Sometimes, I am annoyed when she touches me intimately and the fact that she never let me touch her back makes me furious. I've tried to talk it out but it never worked. Then the topic of me touching her became a taboo. Sex was always one way.

I know it is hard but she haven't come out yet and I don't think she 'll do that soon. She's family oriented and I don't want to make her choose me over her family. That is just very mean but it will make me definitely happy if even one of her relatives knew about us. I just don't think that it will happen.

I know she's feeling that we're in the brink of losing it. Yet, she's still trying to communicate with me and act normal. She's still asking me to come home, says she loves me and that she misses me. Yes, I would reply back that I love her too and I miss her too, but I can't even convince myself that I mean what I am saying. I feel guilty for doing this to her. I don't know myself if I still love her and if I still want to continue this. I don't know if I don't really love her anymore or this is just a phase in our relationship and I am just being stressed about my parents' separation.

No, I am not seeing anyone and I don't think I will in the future. I think I am not made for any relationship. I know too that I am a horrible person but I still want to hear your thoughts about this.


PS: Sorry for the long story. I thought I made it short but thank you for reading. ☺

[CellarDweller]

It seems that there is an aspect of "one-sidedness" going on, you can't touch her, but she can you. That could be one reason that you are no longer feeling the spark, you know it will always be what she wants.

You shouldn't have to convince yourself you want her, it should come naturally. The fact that you don't is a big red flag for this relationship.

You need to sit with her and be honest with her. If you think there is anything to salvage, suggest couples counseling.

[CarGuy65]

Hello and welcome to GS. I am in a vaguely similar situation but opposite sex and probably not one to give advice but...... In my case I am going to have to sit down with my boyfriend and have a serious chat about what we both expect out of our relationship and where it is going. I am also thinking us going on a small getaway alone to see if we can reignite the spark. This may also work in your case. Main thing is to have a serious talk to try to salvage what you have and move on to happier times! Paul

[ChadCoxRox]

Hi Mika and welcome! Your post is very contradictory starting with a great description of your love followed by just the opposite. I don't know enough details to make a strong reply but I'd say that if the first part you describe is really true then it might be worth an effort to agree to work on each of you growing individually and as a couple.

Learning to be in a long term relationship is different for everyone but still about learning. If you've accepted or ignored strong turn offs because of initially being "in love" and now are having troubles maintaining the acceptance and ignoring when the "in love" part begins to make way for the need for nurtured, ongoing love, then believe me you are NOT alone!!

The more you learn and mature the more you see the good in the learning. It is so hard to see that when you are concerned and confused and maybe even afraid. I hear you clear. I hope you will stay connected with GS and talk to us about how it goes. Since there's no easy answer in just a post, I bet the relationships you develop here will prove helpful through the process.

Tell us more if you like and take your sweet time! That's the beauty of the forum...you can come and go as needed and still be connected with the resource while you're busy living life day in and day out.

I'm sending you a PM.

[mikamikachu]

Thank you for the replies!

So we've talked about our relationship and I tried to be honest with her. She said she still loves me and I honestly told her that I don't know what to feel and what to do. I also told her that I'm guilty for all the mistakes I've done and I'm guilty for hurting her and that I'm afraid that I will hurt her more in the future. In the end, we broke up. Was it the right thing to do? I mean, it all happened suddenly and I don't think I was in the right mind. My head was all jumbled.

BTW CCRox, I can't reply to your PM yet because I still have less than 10 posts. hehe. But thank you and I think that this is an amazing communiy. I'm glad to be here.

[Mark]

Okay Ill be brutally honest here, (Im quite blatant with my advice), you did the right thing. If you are having doubts then that to me says this relationship isn't right. If it was working and going well then you wouldn't even need to question - but the moment you have to question it alarm bells should be ringing.

Give it a few days before you do anything else, time may make you rethink things, but again the fact you did end it kinda says to me thats the way it should be? I don't believe in trying time and time again just cut it and move on. I know a few will disagree with me but I don't see the point in dragging it out? Like you said you both are getting hurt in this...

[ChadCoxRox]

If you love something set it free...


George was not in recovery when I met him and he wanted to play this sort of game about wrestling with emotions and boundary testing. I just loved him with brutal honesty, no judgement (or as little as I could muster), warm meals and hugs, rubs and pampering. LOVE WON!!!!! I even set him free at least three times, a couple flat on his little hot tush!

Forgiveness is one of the strongest, useful tools in the arsenal of real relationshipping!