Feeelings for his ex

[novice]

Been dating a guy for well over a year & out of the blue he says his ex contacted him & he still has feelings for him but at the same time says he doesn't see getting back together with him. We dated far, far longer than this ex btw. When I asked what I was to do with this info I got no real answer but he basically indicated he'd "been meaning to talk to me for awhile about our relationship" but gave no clear "answer." He said let's take some time to think about things.

So, obviously I'm supposed to get over it & let him go. Ok, I will. BUT my question is if he is willing to throw our relationship away either way what's the point of telling me about an ex he probably won't get back with?

If he wanted it both ways ("keep" me hanging on while trying out his ex again) wouldn't it make more sense & make him"look" better if he just broke up with me OR asked for "time" to decide or w/e?? I just see no sense whatsoever in telling me about the ex - he may be seriously oblivious to it's harm to me but he wouldn't purposely inflict it (I don't think).

[Ryocchi]

Maybe he didn't want it both ways and was actually encouraging you to hate him/leave him in and "kind" way, whatever his reasons are, that's not the point, if after a year with you, he's seriously considering seeing his ex again he doesn't deserver another thought from you, his loss, and good riddance.

[Mark]

I understand why this isn't the best news - but at the same time at least he has been open and honest with you. If he really was set on ditching you then I doubt he would of told you. Most people still have feelings for their ex to be fair and if they get back in contact I can bet 9/10 times they wouldn't tell anyone. So take that as a good thing not bad. As for the part where you asked what to do with the info and he gave no clear answer - maybe there isn't anything to do? Or maybe he is just a bit confused.. thats easy to understand sometimes it just comes out of nowhere and then you have all these feelings to try and sort through.

I would assume he told you because he did just want to be honest and not keep something from you. Sometimes keeping the truth from the ones we care about is the hardest thing to do - also if you do have a good relationship and quite open with each other it must have been eating away at him. I hope things work out alright.

[jogu656]

Sorry to hear, I went through something similar with an ex, he was in love with his ex and no matter what I did and how better he was with me, he always preferred his ex, I don't know what to say to help other than in my experience once I let him go with his ex, once with the ex he became an ass towards me, maybe they feel threaten or fear losing them again either way he would call me, show up at my work, show up at my house, but made it seem and treated me like if I was looking for him, not saying yours will be an ass towards you but once the ex comes in, I say youre better off otherwise DRAMA will happen one way or another, if he didn't appreciate you or valued you in this year he never will. Breaks to may are a lame excuse to keep u as a back up incase nothing better comes along, that definitely is insulting and shows there is no respect for your feelings. But that's just me talking from experience in this area, but like I mentioned it might be different for you just don't allow yourself to be used and disrespected.

[CellarDweller]

Damn novice, that sucks, and I'm sorry, but at least he was honest with you. He could've cheated on you with the ex and just strung you along.

Take some time to be by yourself, and move on, as hard as it sounds. Take it one day at a time.

[novice]

.... also if you do have a good relationship and quite open with each other it must have been eating away at him. I hope things work out alright.

He wasn't the most open & communicative person about his feelings, etc so while he may just being honest now it is a hell of a time to start being "open" with me (& about something that could only cause great pain to me....& has).

Last time I spoke to him he mentioned his best friend being on a date with a guy that night "that seemed to trouble" & he'd told him "he was inviting drama into his life"! I didn't comment but I wanted to say "aren't YOU doing the same thing you fool?" by trashing me/us & going back to whatever drama & issues that caused you to leave this ex in the first place??

[Mark]

He wasn't the most open & communicative person about his feelings, etc so while he may just being honest now it is a hell of a time to start being "open" with me (& about something that could only cause great pain to me....& has).

Last time I spoke to him he mentioned his best friend being on a date with a guy that night "that seemed to trouble" & he'd told him "he was inviting drama into his life"! I didn't comment but I wanted to say "aren't YOU doing the same thing you fool?" by trashing me/us & going back to whatever drama & issues that caused you to leave this ex in the first place??

See if he wasn't the most honest and with this he has been it makes me think its eating away at him quite badly - or he would just end it with you without a decent reason and go crawling back. Even though its caused pain would you of honestly rather he had lied about it and kept it secret?

It is opening your world to a load of drama that I think everyone will agree on - I don't think you should wait for his decision - you said he suggested to take some time, so in this period of time how are you feeling about it? and do YOU want to go on with it all?

[novice]

See if he wasn't the most honest and with this he has been it makes me think its eating away at him quite badly - or he would just end it with you without a decent reason and go crawling back. Even though its caused pain would you of honestly rather he had lied about it and kept it secret?

It is opening your world to a load of drama that I think everyone will agree on - I don't think you should wait for his decision - you said he suggested to take some time, so in this period of time how are you feeling about it? and do YOU want to go on with it all?

In all honesty I would "take him back." I've never caught him in a lie he just wasn't open about his feelings to me. Idk what he's thinking - I told him how I felt & stupidly didn't let him respond. After the initial night's bomb he dropped on me I was afraid he might say more that was even worse! I've only talked to him briefly twice since then when he gave me rides to & from the airport for a trip. Mostly just cordial small talk both times though I did ask him to think about what I'd told him while I was gone. Once back I didn't ask anything about "us" (if that even exists any more). He is friendly enough but it seems like it may be just a gesture of courtesy or maybe he feels "guilty" knowing he's hurt me. To me it is incomprehensible someone could do it but I'm not sure if I hadn't told him how I really felt he wouldn't have left the first night he told me & never looked back.

I thought leaving it without any finality was the "less worse" option but not knowing anything "for certain" is eating me up inside. I know it's best just to forget it & him but that's easier said than done. His actions seem to show he's sure it's over for good in his mind but I may have to ask him to clearly tell me that verbally. Not the best idea to "press" him however IF he has any lingering doubts (though he hasn't shown any signs of them).

[Mark]

In all honesty I would "take him back." I've never caught him in a lie he just wasn't open about his feelings to me. Idk what he's thinking - I told him how I felt & stupidly didn't let him respond. After the initial night's bomb he dropped on me I was afraid he might say more that was even worse! I've only talked to him briefly twice since then when he gave me rides to & from the airport for a trip. Mostly just cordial small talk both times though I did ask him to think about what I'd told him while I was gone. Once back I didn't ask anything about "us" (if that even exists any more). He is friendly enough but it seems like it may be just a gesture of courtesy or maybe he feels "guilty" knowing he's hurt me. To me it is incomprehensible someone could do it but I'm not sure if I hadn't told him how I really felt he wouldn't have left the first night he told me & never looked back.

I thought leaving it without any finality was the "less worse" option but not knowing anything "for certain" is eating me up inside. I know it's best just to forget it & him but that's easier said than done. His actions seem to show he's sure it's over for good in his mind but I may have to ask him to clearly tell me that verbally. Not the best idea to "press" him however IF he has any lingering doubts (though he hasn't shown any signs of them).

From this post it still isn't clear to me what YOU actually want and how you wish to proceed. So what do YOU want regardless of him?

[novice]

From this post it still isn't clear to me what YOU actually want and how you wish to proceed. So what do YOU want regardless of him?

Idk how to answer that - I guess I would want a relationship with a different person at some point. Until then I would just live my life?

To get beyond this I kind of need/want to know 100% if he see's no possibility of or has any interest in "us" working things out somehow. Maybe most people would just assume there's no chance, give up & forget him?