Trust issues or valid concerns. What to do about it?

[Branson]

This is my first post at GS. I've read some great advice from very insightful posters and would like to describe my situation in hopes that others have been there and can help guide me through this.

First, some background:

My last relationship lasted three years. He was a guy who treated me well in every way except that he was deceitful and untrustworthy, continuing to have sex with other people behind my back well after we'd agreed to be monogamous (and even after I repeatedly found out about these activities). I loved him and did my best to forgive him, to understand that he was imperfect just like me, and move past it. In the end I doubted and questioned everything he ever said and just couldn't see a future with him. I ended the relationship.

Besides this there have been other experiences that I feel have taught me to be cautious at a minimum but often suspicious, too: guys who say they want monogamy and commitment but then can't pry themselves off of the hookup apps or stop otherwise seeking the attention and validation they get when flirting with guys other than their boyfriend. Even after they tell me they've deleted apps/accounts or quit going to hookup websites.

My current situation:

I've been seeing a guy for about the past four months. We have an intense connection - many, many shared interests, strong physical attraction, great sex life (both in its quality and its frequency), shared goals in life, as well as a strong unspoken connection that I can only describe as he just "makes sense" - that is to say, the fact that we met, that we're in each other's lives, just makes sense in the same way that the sky is blue.

We spend a lot of time together (typically four or five nights a week) and get along very well. We just booked a weeklong holiday together which we will leave for in a month. I adore spending time with him, falling asleep with him, just being with him. He says the same of me. The one issue is recent arguments centered around trust or, as he puts it, my being overly suspicious and always thinking the worst of him.

I admit that it's hard to trust when I've been so disappointed in the past, and I've come to this relationship with some baggage, but I'm doing my best. Here are some of the issues that have caused conflict:

• Almost always keeping his phone face-down when we're together. I've identified this as something that brings back unpleasant feelings as it was my ex-boyfriend's practice, but he still does it. Makes me fear that he's got something to hide.
  
• Continues contact/texting with former fuckbuds/FWBs who are very much still interested in him (he says he's not interested in them).
  
• Being less than forthcoming with details about previous boyfriends or relationships, and in some cases, what I consider to be borderline dishonest. For example, when asked if he'd ever been to a particular place before, saying "no" but after further discussion he admitted that he had been but with a (what he refers to as) a former "sex friend". He said he knew it would make me feel insecure so he didn't tell me right away when I first asked.
  
• Meeting and becoming Facebook friends with random guys at bars when we're out together, while I'm sitting at the table alone waiting for him.
  
• Even though he refers to me as his boyfriend to mutual friends, coworkers, and family, he does not introduce me as his boyfriend in certain situations - generally when we're in a bar or social setting. For example, we ran into a guy he'd gone on one or two dates with before we met and he introduced me just as "Branson". When I asked about it later, my guy said he didn't want to hurt the other guy's feelings. (What about my feelings?)
  
• Without having done this before, suddenly password-protecting his computer before leaving me in the room/house alone with it twice in the past week. This is a huge one for me as I first became suspicious of my ex-boyfriend's cheating when his computer was suddenly password-protected. It turned out in that situation that my suspicions were correct. But aside from this, it hurts because I've actually told him the password to my computer in case he ever needs to use it and I'm not around.
  

Generally I have this nagging feeling that he's not being completely honest with me, but I can't tell if it's because I keep him under a microscope of suspicion, analyzing his every word and action (and after all, when you're looking for something you're bound to find it) or if it's because he really is up to something.

My therapist tells me that since I have no real proof that anything out-of-bounds is going on, I have no choice but to trust him and take him at his word. But then I have friends who say, "where there's smoke, there's fire" and tell me that my instincts are there for a reason - to protect me - and I should trust my own gut before anything someone tells me.

I'm crazy about this guy and am equally afraid that 1) he's dishonest and I'll get hurt; and 2) my mistrust stems from previous experiences and I'm applying it unfairly to this situation and this will eventually scare him away.

Thanks for reading such a long post. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

[ChadCoxRox]

You know how to handle being hurt in finding dishonesty. That means you are somewhat prepared for it if it happens. Spending day-to-day life looking for it is no way to live.

Bottom line, you need to make a choice and give yourself to that choice knowing from experience you can handle it. As I see you have at least three choices.

1. trust him and do your best to do that well.
2. end it now and look elsewhere for someone to trust and do your best to do that well.
3. continue to waffle and spin wheels refusing to choose (always a choice) and in this case may be a combo of all of the above.

Best wishes deciding and know that you have supports no matter the issue.

[Bowyn Aerrow]

I personally would see these as signs that something is off.

At least as the way you listed them.

Through the years I have learned that listening to my guts is often the right thing to do. Mind I don't do the right thing as often as I should....

So I say go with your gut.

[Ryocchi]

Listen to your gut, I had some experiences like you in the past, if he can introduce you as his boyfriend to his family but not to some random dudes or guys "he know" that spokes to me about not being fully committed to you, and that he puts said dude's feelings about you it's unforgiving in my book.

Meeting random guys when you're waiting for him, I dates a dude who did this in the past, fortunately we had not dated long and I didn't had strong feelings for him because yeah he was chatting and sexting them up, and most definitely fucked with at least one of them.

Yes, you've been hurt, yes, earning your trust will not be easy, yes, sometimes you can be paranoid, but you're not stupid, and you're not the only one bringing baggage.

[EvenOlderButWiser]

Unfortunately you are bringing some of the baggage of your previous relationship into your current one. Your in no way alone in doing this, its very common.

The real issue of course is that your trust was betrayed in the previous relationship, therefore your senses are much more attune to the signs that trigger the trust issues in the current one.

There is no easy solution on how to deal with this, other then to make sure your SO understands that trust has to be earned and to communicate as openly as possible between the both of you.

Your relationship is still quite young, though clearly working well at this stage. Try to understand that even as your SO, he still has rights to some privacy, and that includes his phone and computer contents.

When he starts staying out late or missing dates with you for no discernible reason, then start worrying and questioning. Until then just try and chill, and give him your trust for now. If you don't, then the lack of trust can quickly deteriorate the relationship and end it.

I wouldn't worry too much about the social media stuff. Its the real world stuff you need to be aware of.

ObW
X

[misunderstood]

Honestly the first couple of months will be like that. You two are still in a zone where its not concrete and set in stone that it's for the long haul. my now fiance did the same exact thing
password on the computer.
introducing me as his "roommate".
one time he even said he was going to visit "a friend" which turned out to be his ex.
lying about where he was going.
etc.

you have to talk him, that's what i did it may seem hard but you have to start setting up some boundaries, or he'll think it's o.k and once you get to far in the relationship and letting it continue it will be harder to stop in the future so do it now.

I had to tell my fiance he had to stop talking to his ex, after he sent fiance a text saying can we still be f buds(and yes he knew we were engaged) just let him know what you told us and tell him that you want to trust him but he needs to stop acting suspect, feel free to word that how you like.

[Branson]

Thanks, everyone. This is not an easy situation and it helps immensely to hear what others have to say about the situation.

I've realized that trust can come and go and sometimes be there in some ways but not in others. Sometimes I'm convinced I'm not giving him a fair chance by comparing him to my past experiences, and other times I think he's up to something and I should end it now. I don't know if I can trust my gut instincts. I keep going back and forth.

As I mentioned in my OP, my fear and anxiety about this situation is divided equally between being afraid of being hurt and not wanting to unfairly dismiss him and this relationship. I have to remember that guy is not my ex-boyfriend and I need to give him the benefit of the doubt unless some kind of clear evidence surfaces.

Having said that, my guy needs to understand that, regardless of his intentions when locking his computer or not introducing me as his BF when running into good-looking, single men he's gone out with before, such actions do not draw a positive response for someone with past experiences like mine. Similarly to if one's partner had PTSD as a result of having been in a warzone, it might not be a good idea to sneak up behind him and shout. I'm willing to work through my issues but for now I need him to be more considerate. This is something I will talk to him about soon.

Thanks again and if anyone has anything more to add, I'd love to hear it.