Would It Kill You?

[misunderstood]

so my fiance has never been the romantic type in our relationship, hell it even took him a whole year to remember my favorite color and only really because i made a big deal about it. Now am I in love? Yes, very much so all i think about is him, he is truly a great guy but, I'm a very deep person i over think things, so when he isn't romantic it makes me feel like everything that i do romantic isn't being noticed nor cared about, which makes me feel as if there is no true love connection there. I've been with him 2 years and most would say we've progressed, but in the romantic department not at all his lack of caring about the romantic things that i do pushed me to stop doing romantic things and i don't like that, I enjoy being romantic, it's a part of who i am. But I want to ask for change but then it feels forced. So i get I'm doing this because my fiance wants me to be romantic, instead of I'm doing this because "my baby loves pancakes" just an example. So since I can apparently help others on all there problems and situations but cant even think of what the hell to do in mines. PLEASE SOME ADVICE!!!!!

[Pix]

Not everyone is romantic that way, especially guys who were raised not to express most of their feelings to other guys. You're going to have to ask him and yes, it will be forced on his part, but the fact that he's trying to should mean something positive. Eventually, if he keeps at it, then it becomes habit and it will no longer be forced. He has to learn new ways before he can practice them, he can't just spontaneously become what you want him to be.

Just as you are the way you are he is the way he is. It's up to both of you to decide what's acceptable and what's worth putting up with.

[swalter]

I think Pix hit the nail on the head. Some people are good at expressing their emotions, and others are not. Then there's other people with ASD(Autistic or Asperger's) like me who don't always understand the need and importance of romance. For example, I have to make a conscious effort to do things like say "I love you", and ask how my BFs day was, and other such expected socializations. It's not that I don't feel those emotions; it's just that I don't have the need to express that. I've learned that it's important to my BF, and so I accommodate him, but it took time to figure it out.

My point is that your partner may just not have the same needs as far as the romance stuff goes, and may find it difficult or even unnatural to force those expressions. I suggest you let him know exactly what it is you want, and ask that he make an effort. If you explain that these things are important to you, and give him the opportunity to rise to the occasion, things can get better. He may never be the best at showing his feelings, but with some direction and encouragement, the situation can improve.

[misunderstood]

I have talked to him about it, and the effort is put in, but then it dwindles off. and i don't spontaneously expect him to be what i wont him to be. If i have a problem with how things are going I will talk to him about it I'm very blunt, and i have made exhausting efforts to keep it up and going but after a while you get tired of having to remind your fiance of certain things that should be well known. I get that he is his own person but at the same time i feel that I will go out of my way to remember small details of things he likes and doesn't like and on special occasions i will go all out. But even on my birthday or our anniversary he cant even come up with something special. He is smart, very creative in writing, art, and other things but romantic is not one. I have stepped outside of my comfort zone to many times just too make him happy and all i would like him to do is be romantic.

[Wardo94]

Many people aren't "mushy gushy" in relationships. I've met my share of people who are really nice and faithful, but when it comes to beung mushy, they are horrible in that department or just do not like being lovey dovey. My best friend's mom is like that and she just isn't type of person to act all romantic and mushy with another person. She would rarely say "I love you". It wasn't that she didn't love/like the other person, but that just how she was. I came to realize that not everyone loves or hate like everybody else. Everybody has a different version of loving than someone else. It may be similar than others, but not exactly the same. When you look at the problem, don't issue it at how they handle it. As in, he may love you, but just shows you it in much more different way than others. Or he just doesn't know how to express it to you the "right" way. Now, I don't know him enough to claim if he has feelings for you or not, but the best thing you could do is talk to him about how you feel about all of this. It doesn't have to be a confrontation, but you guys can simply sit down on this and talk about it. Like I said, don't let how he shows his love affect what you feel for him. He can love you, but just show it to you differently, as I said before. Towards the end of the day, it all depends on how much you value these forms of affection from someone who's your significant other.

[ChadCoxRox]

We must try relationships to really learn what we need and want to be happy and healthy. Moving or staying in them can be for the same reasons. Resentments that are ensured can lead to bitterness over time. Communication in this regard makes and breaks relationships all the time. I am sorry to read about your situation and hope you find a way to get your needs met in healthy ways.

[jogu656]

I know how you feel I had a 2 year relationship with a guy that was like yours, my idea of romance wasn't his idea, basically I stayed with him because of his personality and how much fun we had, I surrendered my need for romance, because he wasn't ever going to change, would have been nice if he would have said or done something romantic but he never did, you cant change a person love comes from within and he taught me that flowers, poems, or romantic dinners aren't what love is, love is being their in the bad and good, supporting you no matter what, helping you and putting a smile on your face, romance is what you do to get someone's attention to awaken something inside you for them which is why its more common in the dating stage of a relationship

[HumbleTangerine]

Hmm, could you be a little more specific about his lack of romantic behavior? I'm asking because I've been accused of the same thing by people in the past. These were people whose birthdays I celebrated, whose likes and dislikes I remembered, mind you, I didn't have much trouble saying "I love you" once I truly felt that way and I sometimes made them dinner, or surprised them with nice gifts and nice words.

The reasons for them calling me unromantic where minor, in my opinion irrelevant things. One guy acted like I had destroyed his soul when I didn't reply to his facebook message with a little heart at the end, like he did. Another guy acted like I had destroyed his happiness when I kept cringing whenever he called me "baby" (I still hate that word). These guys also called me unromantic for not being willing to:

1. Be all lovey-dovey on Facebook, doing those annoying things where couples or soon-to-be-couples post stuff on each other's walls.
2. Take kissing selfies and post them online.
3. Be intimate in public. Not like, holding hands, hugging, a quick kiss, but actually making out in front of friends and strangers, which I just don't do.

Needless to say, it didn't last very long with either of these people and I still believe their criticism of calling me unromantic was pretty fucked up, based on what they had in mind. So if you could explain a bit more what he does and doesn't do that bothers you, that would make it easier to help!

[ddd]

Romantic behaviour has many faces - you don't need to be stuck with the most typical of them. You should try to discover what really can work for both of you. If your significant other doesn't express much his feelings, it doesn't mean he is not in love with you. Don't forget - people who love us, could change us a bit (sometimes a lot). You should give him time to adapt to your romantic style and he probably will start to show his love for you more often than you expect. Just don't push things too hard, great relationship takes years to be build and needs understanding between partners.

[Letmar]

boy oh boy!

relationships are all about love and compromise, isn't it? and as it stands, you two are already compromising in a particular part of your relationship (the fact that is open) so it shows you can compromise for real!

the question you are asking us, should be directed at yourself mate...

I hear what you are saying when you mentioned that if you ask him to be nice, romantic and attentive... it feels forced, i have something similar going on with my better half...for example, in our first year I mentioned that I had always been the one giving flowers to the other in my previous/dates/relationships... (I know, not many people gov flowers to dates any more... what can I do, my mum raised a true gentleman... deal with it) so anyways, from then on better half started packing our home with flowers every other week... it was amazing, and then some!!! but shouldn't I had mentioned it, it wouldn't have happened... still... my point is that till the day it feels brilliant that he does it years after I mentioned it...

Can you then compromise with the fact that he doesn't have a romantic gene? (is not that he doesn't give a damn... it simply doesn't cross his mind, that is all)

So move on and be smarter about it... plant the seeds! accept that you will harvest only what you sow in his mind :-) get on with it and start mentioning things over and over in a nice relaxed manner...

eventually he will think something on the lines of "hmm, misunderstood has been moaning forever about pancakes, maybe we should eat some pancakes today... mmm pancakes... delicious... mmm with whipped cream, fruit, nutella... yup! we are definitively having pancakes today"

so you will get ur pancakes, just not in that specific/magical moment when the 5 o'clock sunlight is passing through the sitting room window and you can see the dust particles floating... you know that random moment when your imaginative mind went on a wonder and came up with... "pancakes"

but you will get them eventually... patience love! patience!