What does this all mean exactly?

[Cersei1066]

Hi! My friendship with my female best friend of a year has always been close, i was willing to do anything for her and this seemed weird to everyone apart from me. Then we kissed whilst drunk a few months ago and never spoke about it and she didn’t tell her boyfriend who is lovely really and I was shocked that she had not said a word to him. The same thing happened but with additional stuff a few days ago, which was the first time since the initial situation that we've had an opportunity. Both times, she initiated it.

I tried to talk to her about it today but she said she didn’t want to talk about it while simultaneously smiling and looking awkward. I told her we need to make sure that it doesn’t happen again, as obviously it’s not fair on her boyfriend at all but that was all that was said on the matter. Since the first kiss happened, she always talks about how ‘lesbians are not right, they only do it because they can’t find a guy’ when the subject comes up (which I don’t agree with at all obviously. But so far I have figured out that I am not a lesbian, I am just attracted to just her specifically). Although she seemed so embarrassed, the way we look at each other sometimes, tease each other etc. suggests some things to me. She's not as loved up with her boyfriend as she used to be too? *sigh* I really do like her and fantasize about those situations sometimes but... Im not sure if im misinterpreting things.

Ive not been able to like anyone in that way since I became friends with her and I've only just realised why I think. I don't know what I can do, am I just being silly? Am I just an experiment? Are my feelings perhaps not real? So confused

[Cuddly]

How old are you both?

The way you explain it, I don't see there being much room left for misinterpretations. If she initiates "it", then she obviously wants it. Maybe she's a closet lesbian and she says those mean homophobic things so as to seem less lesbian.
Confusion is a bad thing and there's really no need to be confused. Just try to have fun, be safe and avoid hurting yourself, her or her boyfriend, if at all possible. But clearly your friend is attracted to you. And you sound like you're in love with her.

[Cersei1066]

Thank you so much!

We're 19. I did think that actually, that she was just hiding behind the homophobic comments which suggested her just been oblivious of anything connected to the subject.
She's sexually active with her boyfriend though and she's constantly having pregnancy scares plus she encourages me to find a boyfriend? I feel like those things contradict the idea that she may like me however all the other things point the opposite way.

Now I understand what people mean when they say women are hard to read.

I have been thinking about this situation for months and I promised myself nothing would happen. Oops. But I shall try my best, hurting her boyfriend would be the worst thing I could do so I shall not make any move but jesus christ I have no idea what is going to happen because I just know that she'll end up ignoring it.

[Mark]

Hey welcome to GS! I would say being 19 as well maybe she is just confused and trying to experiment with urges- it is possible! I would 100% say don't act on anything while she's in a relationship as that would make it messy and she could possibly blame you for that outcome!

[Bowyn Aerrow]

Ah youth - how much I despise it all.... Wait I meant envy.... yeah... I envy youth....

I fear that we very much still live in a world where being LGBT is still a sin, still looked down upon and where our parents still make up these wonderful lives for us which are strictly heterosexual.... you know, the expectations of big white weddings, grandchildren, suburban idyllic lives with a person of the opposite gender...

Way too many LGBT are still in the closet, confused and trying to balance the needs of society (where one must be hetero to fit in) against their own desires. Society may have come a long way in the past 20 years, but its falling way short of the ideal open and tolerant utopia where LGBT is accepted as normal without the heavy influence of 2000 years of hatred over LGBT.

As such we get these moments of conflicts of interest, especially with those in the closet who are trying so hard to live the ideal lifestyle (straight) when they meet a potential ideal mate who isn't reflective of the straight life style.

My best advice is to drop it... to distance yourself and allow her to figure out what it is she wants in life without dragging you through the drama.

There are good reasons why most out LGBT flat refuse to deal with closeted individuals, get involved with them... Part of it you are already experiencing, the other part is that more often than not a closeted person wants to stay in the closet and if they find an open mate who accepts it at first they are more prone to want to stay in that closet.

I fear if you pursue this you will end up being hurt. That is statistically a probability. Most relationships in this situation end up not ending very well and everyone gets hurt.

I'm sorry.

[Cersei1066]

In terms of getting hurt, everybody was definitely right. Whatever that was, she is most definitely not going to talk about it explicitly any time soon. She keeps mentioning how I should totally go home with guys after a night out and today we were speaking about cheating and breaking up etc and she said something along the lines of 'i would never break up with my boyfriend for anybody that wasn't at the same level or worse than him' and then looked really shifty.

In my opinion, she was just curious about the whole lesbian thing and wanted to try it out without having to deal with the consequences. I feel sort of used really. I think distancing myself from her will be hard but my mind really needs a rest to be honest.

[Mark]

In my opinion, she was just curious about the whole lesbian thing and wanted to try it out without having to deal with the consequences. I feel sort of used really. I think distancing myself from her will be hard but my mind really needs a rest to be honest.

Sounds like you are quite switched on. Distance sucks but it will work out better overall and you can leave her behind and find someone for you