first love at 40

[tonex]

hello guys
Im 40 and single , closeted gay man.
i could never come to terms with my sexuality and never had any sort of relationship with any men, nor sexual or emotional. 2 yrs ago i decided to find out what gay sex is all about and met two different guys and i loved it. 6 months ago my friend hooked me up with a guy that i had a thing for only to find out that he was bisexual and we instantly became good friends. we had sex many time and we we enjoy being with each other. i fell in love with him and he knows it, but he doesnt love me the same way. but for sure there was something more than friendhsip what we felt. all this time he was with a girls and their wedding plans did not fall though as the girl was giving him a hard time. 1 month after he suprise me and toldme he is marrying another girl and i scolled him and told him that you just dont get marriend like that, i know he is marrying out of religious obligations.. now he is married a week ago and my heart has been broken, he was my first and i have never loved anyone like i did, and i miss him so much, we use to talk till late night and the first one to call me every morning. my heart has been broken and dont know what to do.
im giving him some space but its hard, he is also struggling with his sexuality and having a hardtime. in the past he made excuses and wants to change his life ,but in a few days time he was back to me, chatting and stuffs. now he has gone silent, he doesnt call or text me, he did nt even tell me the date of his weeding or any other details, maybe he didnt want to hurt me. i dont know,
Please tell me what to do I love him too much and cant live without him. its a torture knowing that he is with someone else that he doesnt really love...
guys i will be grateful for any advice.
i know some will say forget about him and move on, but my situation is different, I Live i a place where every one knows everyone and keeping my life a secret has been my ultimate goal. i dont want to put myself out there looking for another, at least not just now.

[Cuddly]

Sounds tough. I hope you're starting to feel better. I honestly think you should move on. As you explained you love him more than he does you, you don't need to wait for him just so he can hurt you again.

[ddd]

I understand your desire to stay in the closet, but as you already pointed, thus it would be hard to find another man to love. You should answer to yourself the question, what do you want to do with your personal life - do you want to waste your time with someone who is not ready to go your way? And why are you afraid to try looking for another one? I understand it's harder where you live (it's not easy even in my country), but when something is difficult it doesn't mean it's impossible! Sorry for the cliche, but I think you really should reconsider your way of thinking. Otherwise you will spend your life desperate for someone who is married (to a woman) and probably doesn't share your emotional value or doesn't have the courage to be with you and to build a relationship with you. Excuse me for the ton, but I had to point it out.

[swalter]

I'm of the opinion that you can't have a healthy, adult relationship until you accept who you are, and your sexuality. Until you do, your agenda to protect your secret will always take priority over, and get in the way of your relationship. You seem to be pretty committed to staying in the closet, and if that's the case, how do you expect to be able to maintain a loving, open relationship?

[Mark]

I agree with Swalter. If you constantly have to hide this part of you then you can't function in the real world very well. I can understand at the start hiding but over time then it is unhealthy. The tension would just be unbearable! If he's married now then the best thing you can do is stay away. I know you said it hurts but at the same time if you want to protect yourself then stay away, if something blew up from this it would be you that got exposed and sent to slaughter.

[Wolfpack]

Ask yourself would coming out be as bad as you think? Are you thinking that if anyone new it would be volcanic and the end of the world? How do I know this? Because I thought the same thing but I was wrong and you might be to. I am not saying you have to come out that must be your choice and yours alone, but try to think about it from a different angle.

As for this man you may just have to let him go, or risk getting hurt over and over. Maybe he will change his path and even decide he wants to be with you, but I think you will have to let him choose his own road in life. Do not wait around for him for ever, he may not be your only love in life, there could someone else who is looking for a guy like you and who will be able to give you the love you truly need and deserve.

[tonex]

Thank you everyone for your kind words and encouragement, really means a lot.
I love him and dont want to hate him forever, so i'm gonna lay back and give him his space. and get on with my life, If he wants come back its his choice. im not gonna wait. it gonna hurt but i have to suck it up

[East]

I have to ask...is it legal and safe to be openly gay where you live? I read a little bit about it before replying to you as it may be a factor.

Either way...he made his decision and it sucks to be hurt like that but in the end you have no control over his decision. I hope you will find another guy soon who will help you to forget. Good luck!

[tonex]

east,
its not illegal to be gay, but peoples attitude changes when they know u are gay, I had to deal with rejection while i was little and had daddy issues too. I worked hard to be where i am in life today. and dont want to experience anymore rejection..
there is so much gossip, judgment and name calling.. some guys does care about it, but i do...I Hope it answers your questions.
Thanks for your input

[East]

Ah!...I understand better now. First...I am glad it is not illegal to be gay in Seychelles...there were conflicting reports when I researched it so I wasn't sure....

The past rejection and daddy issues may play a role in this scenario with this guy which is actually good news because if you can process this situation and overcome it you may be able to heal yourself a bit easier. I believe you when you say you have worked hard...I can relate.