I miss dating gay guys (rant)

[justmoi]

I know that title may sound a bit objectifying, sorry.

It's just kinda how it is. I mean, I know guys are guys either way. But gay guys are a bit sweeter, in my experience. And more relateable cuz you're both the same thing. With straight guys I feel like they're just accepting me cuz I'm pretty but they think they're above me, somehow, and peshaaw I don't have time for that. Then bi guys are a little better (but prone to fetishize me) but still..the guy/girl dynamic is hard for me to deal with, sometimes.

I think that's what I miss most, the dynamic in gay relationships. It's more sweet/pure/intense and the sex is way better...the parts may be the same as before, but it was better then! Maybe hormones diminished my drive.

Does anyone else feel that way?like there's just something specialthat gay relationships have that straight ones don't? Or am I just turning into a fetishy straight girl...who just needs to break out the yaoi already lol?

I'm not sure what to do atm cuz I'm quite unhappy in transition right now.

[HumbleTangerine]

Yeah, I'm sorry, but I think your assumptions about heterosexuals, homosexuals and bisexuals are a bit... assumption-y

If you feel like straight guys act superior towards you, then you've had bad luck with straight guys. If you feel bisexual guys fetishize you, then you've had bad luck with bisexual guys. If you think gay relationships are sweeter/purer and more intense along with better sex then YOU clearly have some sort of preference for that. I promise that it's not because gay guys tend to be sweeter than other guys. It's something we're kind of led to believe somehow, a lot of us anyways, but it doesn't take that much time before we realize douchebags and idiots come in many shapes and, most importantly, many sexualities.

If you're afraid of being objectified by straight guys and fetishized by bisexual guys you should start being pickier with who you date. If the guy gives off a really bad vibe then stop dating him; after all there are many great guys out there and they come in all sexualities

[justmoi]

Noo they're not assumptions, haha. Cuz that would imply it was hypothetical. I'm talking about my personal experiences dating straight, bi, and gay guys as both male and transfemale.

But yeah. I would just say I never dated a genuinely nice straight guy tbh. Not that they're not nice. It prolly has more to do with dating as trans. And pickyness isn't it. I mean I have a ton of guys to choose from noww...more than ever tbh...and I generally go out with the guys that are hot and seem nice, but they turn out to be like I described.

I don't think sweeping generalizations apply to everyone, but I don't think it's soo bad to say certain circumstances create a certain dynamic...I have boobs and a dick. That last part is generally going to be something that straight guys put up with and bi-ish guys tend to fetishize, at least in my area. Which I dobt even mind if they liiike it. That's okay. But when they want me to put it in them...ugh..then it gets fetishy.

Also, my main focus was on the dynamic. Like equal footing cuz you're both the same thing. When it's male female there's annoying gender based power play..when it's male transfemale it's jst annoyingg. Maybe it's my area. I cannt say. I just miss being treated like..a person lol.

[HumbleTangerine]

I'm not one to tell people how and who to date. However, if I felt unhappy about the people I dated for fetishizing me or treating me as inferior, I would raise my "dating criteria" in men from "hot and seemingly nice" to something a bit more safe and elaborate. I mean, most people SEEM nice when you first meet them.

Wanting to go out with people you find attractive is understandable and all but when people place a big emphasis on the appearance of their partners they tend to overlook certain flaws in the beginning that eventually become impossible to ignore. I've seen this happen many times with my friends, male and female alike.

Another option is simply to move things a bit slower. As in, don't start dating a guy until you feel like you know him enough to make a better judgement than "he's hot and seems nice". If you feel bad about your current situation I feel like that could save you both sadness and bitterness

[Wolfpack]

I think us gay guys are useually more in touch with are feelings, than most if not all straight guys.
I think we struggle with this internally as we can believe that it goes against what men should be like.
But at the end of the day we are who are and it should not matter.

[jogu656]

Im gay and have only had gay relationships, ive never ventured out into anything else, but ive had my share of ups and downs in gay relationships, im sorry you feel unhappy in transition, I imagine its a lot of overwhelming emotions but I think you haven't found that one guy that will make you feel what you yern for, shoot neither have I, it can be depressing to date people where u feel something is missing, Girly ive been there more than enough haha so I can relate to your feelings when it comes to the relationship, straight guys by what ive heard are like gays, some are good some bad and others lack certain intimacy qualities that causes them to be categorized as boring so i think your transition might be making things bit more complicated for you, maybe once you get used to the change you'll feel more comfortable and used to it all that you'll have better experiences in relationships.

[justmoi]

Im gay and have only had gay relationships, ive never ventured out into anything else, but ive had my share of ups and downs in gay relationships, im sorry you feel unhappy in transition, I imagine its a lot of overwhelming emotions but I think you haven't found that one guy that will make you feel what you yern for, shoot neither have I, it can be depressing to date people where u feel something is missing, Girly ive been there more than enough haha so I can relate to your feelings when it comes to the relationship, straight guys by what ive heard are like gays, some are good some bad and others lack certain intimacy qualities that causes them to be categorized as boring so i think your transition might be making things bit more complicated for you, maybe once you get used to the change you'll feel more comfortable and used to it all that you'll have better experiences in relationships.

Yeah, I dunno, I guess it's just different? Like it's not the same for sure. Even if gay guys aren't different, I think maybe like...the dynamic? Is what makes it feel so different.

Like if you're a guy..and he's a guy...you're the same thing. Nobodys looking down on anybody. But a lot of guys are very sexist, right? So dating as a girl, I find I get looked down on a loot more. I got it a bit before, cuz I was so feminine and young seeming. But now it's worse. Throw in hints of transphobi...or even jst difficulty empathizing with transgenderism...the dynamic gets very complicated.

I miss the simplicity of gay dating tbh. No I feel like the guy has all the power cuz I'm different. He's just a guy and I'm a...well, freak lol..

[Wolfpack]

Justmoi you are NOT a freak, we are all special and unique in our own ways and so are you, I hope you manage to find what you want in life.

[Bowyn Aerrow]

From what I have seen of the world (which is a lot or not a lot depending on your point of view) Gay guys tend to be a bit more connected to their emotions than straight guys. Mind this applies to gay guys who have been out of the closet for a while.

I assume that the underlying cause is that once we admit to ourselves that we like penis that we have to go through accepting a lot of other stuff about Self and our emotions, thus we ain't attempting (as hard) to live up the stereotypes when it comes to being 'male' in our world.

Being gay has the automatic assumption that one is a sissy, a girly-girl - thus once you come out the general acceptance of being in touch with your emotions like a girl exists. This leads to a faster acceptance that "I feel ________ when __________ happens" (fill in the blanks).

Like it or not you are being dated by a specific narrow band of guys. Straight guys don't do dick. And if you are getting involved with a 'straight' guy who accepts your having a dick, he is most likely a closeted gay guy who has yet to come to terms with the idea that he prefers dick. You are a relief valve for homosexual tendencies and the guy is able to hide his 'gay' from self because you look like a woman...

That aspect of being stuck in a closet and not accepting of a part of self is going to cause trouble with everything else in life, especially in relationships (friendships, family-ships, lover relationships, etc). Any guy in that 'I'm Still Straight' mode is going to be fighting his 'womanly side' a lot more than a really straight fellow or a gay one.

I hate to say this, but closeted guys tend to have a lot more 'not so nice' stuff going on in their head and hearts that really straight guys (those who know they are straight) and gay guys who have accepted that they are gay.

Since bisexuality is often an excuse or used as a stepping stone from the closet to the gay world you most likely are going to find a lot of guys in their own transition from 'closeted' to 'fully out' thus are going to get a mix bag of how they treat you.

And due to the abuse of the identifier of 'bi-sexual' a lot of real bisexuals have their own angst because of the way they are treated by both the gay and the straight sides of society for being bi....

Males in general are raised to believe they are better than females. Like it or not gender in the 21st century is still an issue. We may not talk about it as much as we should, but we still see how gender affects how a person is treated. Such as women getting paid less to do the same job a man does, or how a woman has to work nearly twice as hard to get the same acceptance of a male in the same career.

Gay guys being a wee bit more in touch with their womanly side typically tend to be less prone to using gender as a weapon (Feeling superior to woman). Thus a lot of straight women find gay guys much more attractive as friends because gay guys are not hung up with all of the gender-role crap.

I think the Women of Gayspeak will be able to point out just how unequal equality is in the 21st century.

I would assume that your transition is a more recent thing and that there was a time not too long ago where you acted 100% male - thus you may have been sheltered from the general genderfication issues and are now discovering what it really means to be a woman in this day and age. Being 'new' to that you are most likely more aware of the different attitudes toward gender than a woman who was born female and lived through it right from birth.

I hate to say this, but your being in transition, having both boobies and a penis is going to draw a certain type of person to you... And I fear that with the less acceptance of Trans S/G individuals that lack of acceptance of those who love such individuals is going to lead to a decidedly troubled background for those individuals who are attracted to Trans S/G individuals.

I doubt your experiences are wholly unique and may actually be par for the course for individuals in transition.

Since you are in transition you are undoubtedly working with a psychologist. S/he most likely will be able to give you a more in depth view point on how different sexualities in individuals and how those individuals are progressing in their own 'Study of Self' presents in their attitudes toward you and a relationship with you.

And the assumption that gay/gay relationships are based on equality is, I fear, not altogether true. Like it or not humans are a bi-gendered species that has decided gender roles for couples. The whole top/bottom role in bed is an act based on a bi-gendered species and there is a lot of assumptions about the roles of the top vs the bottom based on the simple act of who is penetrating whom.

It is expected that the bottom is more 'womanly' in behaviors. A straight acting bottom tends to be less accepted by society as a whole than a 'nelly queen'. A nelly queen being a total top is less accepted as well. There is an expectation of gender roles in and out of bed and if you act more like a man you are expected to have a top role, if you act more like a woman then it follows you are a bottom.

Even 50/50 versatile couples end up hitting that wall where gender roles play into the dynamics of the relationship, one tends to lead more often than the other - and it is based on how we are brought up to think of woman of being more submissive to her man - which is based partly in real evolutionary need and a few thousand years of patriarchal traditions.

There is the power struggle stage of relationships where both individuals in a relationship decide who leads at what times in the relationship. This tends to be a short 'battle' for straight couples who hold with 'traditional' male/female roles and same gendered couples who have a decided take on what Top/Bottom means out of the bedroom. Again it is based on the roles we cast based on if a person does or does not have a penis.

You may be more painfully aware of these gender-roles. I'm going to assume that you started transition 'recently' and lead a decent chunk of your life as 100% male. If so, then you most likely are seeing exactly how gender affects how you are treated.

[justmoi]

Oh, no. My transition has been up and down since I was 17 and I'm now 19. And even out of transition I was very extremely feminine and passed as a girl a lot anyways, so I never acted or was treated '100% male', especially cause I knew I felt female since I was really little. And also, I grew up with very little socialization...which is a long story...so by extension I was never forced to BE male for many reasons.

But the thing is, I knoww for a fact bi guys are real. Because even pre transition guys would hit on me saying they were gay then ask me to wear womens clothes during sex...or stuff like that...and I'd ask and they finally end up admitting they were bi.

And then I know some are straight cuz A., nobody can ever tell I'm trans when they meet me. And B., a lot don't even want to look at my male parts and get upset if they see/feel it, soo.

I have to say i think you made some kinda rude and sweeping assumptions in your post tbh, and I detect a little transphobia...