Struggling to except
05-11-2014, 03:42 PM
Right where do I start? this could be long 
I came out a year ago and it has been the hardest situation in my life to except. Just to say I have had a pretty traumatic life thus far & I'm only 23 but my attitude has always been great, I see things as 10% is what happens to you & 90% is how u react to it. I have always dealt with everything in my life in what I think is the best possible way of handling situations however coming out and being gay I have struggled with maybe thats because something is not happening to me or around me but its starting with me.
It took my years to come out, I had been dating girls in very long relationships, years 1 was for 3 1/2 years. When I finally built up the courage to except myself I though dating guys would be the same or well easier because dating a bloke would be like dating your best mate. I couldn't of been more wrong. At the time also I was ready for something more serious relationship wise... I'd had all the fun clubbing, dating that I wanted. Now I wanted something real.
The first thing I did was to sign upto gay dating sites because I didn't know how else to meet guys. It's not a great experience still to this day as you get flooded w/ msgs from guys sending there penis and then asking u for yours. Regardless of that I found someone on there I really liked the look of. He was the same height, Said he liked sports, Was 4 years older, good looking and was a Doctor so I trusted him immediately.
We started dating and I felt like life couldnt be better, It was the happiest I'd ever been, I was happy to be gay and It was the first time I could ever say I loved someone - maybe it was too soon for me to have those feelings but I always heard people say u know when u know and I really thought that feeling was mutial.
Things were great until one day I was at my friends studio and his friend there got a msg from my bf on a dating site. I didn't say anything about it but I was hurt by it and wondering what is this now. I would text msgs asking what this was to him and he would always reply "I like u and im looking forward to where this is going". It was never the same after that point I was more quiet and miserable around him. I never said the truth why I would say it was because I had finished with my job which I had a month to wait till I started the next so I would just say I was miserable about that not working saying I was bored.
A Couple of weeks later though a friend sent me a msg telling me he'd recieved a picture of my bf's penis online then when my mate didn't reply my bf wrote "im not very good at this". This was really the end of it I was hurt and angry but I still never said anything I would just text stroppy msgs & he would write I'm just not sure what I want anymore we get on ok and ur ok for a guy who's new to gay sex. When I got replies like that I was obvi going to be upset. You can say why didn't u just dump him ages ago but I really liked him. It went on for a couple of weeks like that and eventually I wrote hey do u just want to be friends instead which he jumped at the chance. He said he was too busy with his new job to date and wasn't going off with someone else just honestly was too busy to date but could be fuck buddies with no strings attached.
I went along with that because I really liked him and I honestly believed when he said I'm too busy to date but In my mind I thought we would get back together I had no idea I was getting played here. It didnt last long anyway when he realised I wanted more but he did say he wasnt going off with anyone else yet 2 weeks later on his dating profile he'd changed all his profile to dating which was something he never did with me. I don't understand why he did that why not just be honest with me and he knew I was going to see it and be hurt. I gave up alot for him I told my mum I was gay I moved to be near him then he cut me off so quickly and went off with some rich tosser.
What I did right away was think I need to move on and find someone else fast which I did I went on lots of dates but I didn't feel anything for these guys. When I'd hug them I wished it was my ex I was hugging not them. After 1 date I went off to a gay bar on my own I was feeling miserable because here I am the guy I loved dosen't want to be with me and gone off with someone else and I can't find anyone I like. 2 guys that night came on to me, not that they were my type but I was miserable and lonely that I spoke with them. One took me back to the hotel and um because I felt so crap about myself I was going todo it. Half way through I changed my mind I said to him I can't do this I don't want todo this which he grabbed my phone off me which I took as attack so I tackled him down, got my stuff and got out of there. The other bloke I was with was waiting outside the hotel which was weird I thought, He came up and said come back to mine you'll be fine its all ok were chat. I was sorta shaken up.
In his place I said I got a headache he gave me this pink pill which I took. Soon enough yep I knew it wasn't a normal pill. I said can I use your bathroom and I locked myself in there. I phoned everyone I knew but it was 3 in the morning so noone was picking up, I had my exes number up I was gonna call but I knew he wouldn't come and help me as I knew he didn't care about me at all. The guy got in sometime later I was out of it. He got me to his bed and proceeded to do some oral on me. In the morning he acted like nothing had happened and I just wanted to get out of there. I was pretty shaken up and looked like death.
After that I went back on my dating site and re-wrote my profile to read if ur anything like my ex I don't want to know u and I listed all the things he'd done to upset me which is too long to write here and it was wrong that I did that - It was immature. I wrote messages to him for a long time saying how sorry I was and I truely was sorry.
All since these moments I keep going back and forth between dating girls and guys. I can't tell u how many times I have opened and deleted gay dating sites. I've gone through stages of becoming a asshole like the guys I'd dated and slept around, dated 3 people at once. (side note- safe sex!) I met one guy who I knew really liked me and I knew id be happy with him but he wasnt enough he liked ballet classical music theatre which is the oppisite to me. I felt bad for that guy when I said I didn't want to be with him b/c I knew he liked me. I dated girls I really liked but I just dont what I want anymore.
A couple of months ago I got better with it all I was starting to be content with being gay again. I went on a date with a older guy he was mid 30's. I thought he was ok but I wasn't going to meet him again. I said on the date I have to leave now to catch my train back because I have work tomorrow. He said thats ok ill get a taxi. Thing was he didnt send the taxi to the station he sent us back to his flat. I was annoyed but he said well leave but u arn't going to get to the train station in 10 minutes (this was the last train back) So I stayed there the night. It was a ok night but I never heard of him again but when I did at least he was honest about what his intentions were that night and I gave him something for thinking he could get away with doing that to me.
So It set me off again that all men are like that. I do get alot of attention and 1 guy now is really nice and I've been honest with him.... he said we can wait as long as u want so I get the impression this guy is a good guy. I'm not ready though anymore and I have no idea what I want anymore. Most nights I've been drinking 8 cans. Which im going to stop from this moment on. I think when I drank I felt a bit lose tongued so I could say what I wanted to say. Ever since I split from the first guy I liked all I ever wanted was to be friends but he hardly ever replied if when he has he would just say we never devolped then say lets cut contact. We didn't devolep because he was going off with everyone else. I'm not bothered by him anymore I'd like to be friends but he always carries on being horrible to me which brings up the hurt all over again.
I think thats my biggest worry is dating another guy falling for them and there off sending pictures of there private parts or talking to other guys meanwhile telling me lets go on holidays, I want kids and a big house one day.
I need to let go of the thought of that dude. I know he never cared me. Since all of this I've had so many moments where I dont live anymore I wanna give up. One day I told him about It I asked if we could speak he said well Im too busy with my bf go and talk to your mum someone who cares about u. Man the hurt that comes of someone who hurt u that bad and then they dont care about u after. I went to the doctors she said I was fine she said I was more grown up and smarter than I give myself credit for and Im great that I can see things from both sides.
Who knows what I'm gonna do next I hope it does get easier with time. I work in construction and building so I know that hearing homophobia like I do is hard. Especially when tom daily came out I remember then not wanting to be gay.
Honestly I don't really care what anyone thinks those people are arrogant. I just hope I can pull myself together now and except myself for who I am and be happy with it.
Everything else in my life is great, I have a nice home, I have great mates, I love my job.... Just the love life well excepting it is my issue.
I came out a year ago and it has been the hardest situation in my life to except. Just to say I have had a pretty traumatic life thus far & I'm only 23 but my attitude has always been great, I see things as 10% is what happens to you & 90% is how u react to it. I have always dealt with everything in my life in what I think is the best possible way of handling situations however coming out and being gay I have struggled with maybe thats because something is not happening to me or around me but its starting with me.
It took my years to come out, I had been dating girls in very long relationships, years 1 was for 3 1/2 years. When I finally built up the courage to except myself I though dating guys would be the same or well easier because dating a bloke would be like dating your best mate. I couldn't of been more wrong. At the time also I was ready for something more serious relationship wise... I'd had all the fun clubbing, dating that I wanted. Now I wanted something real.
The first thing I did was to sign upto gay dating sites because I didn't know how else to meet guys. It's not a great experience still to this day as you get flooded w/ msgs from guys sending there penis and then asking u for yours. Regardless of that I found someone on there I really liked the look of. He was the same height, Said he liked sports, Was 4 years older, good looking and was a Doctor so I trusted him immediately.
We started dating and I felt like life couldnt be better, It was the happiest I'd ever been, I was happy to be gay and It was the first time I could ever say I loved someone - maybe it was too soon for me to have those feelings but I always heard people say u know when u know and I really thought that feeling was mutial.
Things were great until one day I was at my friends studio and his friend there got a msg from my bf on a dating site. I didn't say anything about it but I was hurt by it and wondering what is this now. I would text msgs asking what this was to him and he would always reply "I like u and im looking forward to where this is going". It was never the same after that point I was more quiet and miserable around him. I never said the truth why I would say it was because I had finished with my job which I had a month to wait till I started the next so I would just say I was miserable about that not working saying I was bored.
A Couple of weeks later though a friend sent me a msg telling me he'd recieved a picture of my bf's penis online then when my mate didn't reply my bf wrote "im not very good at this". This was really the end of it I was hurt and angry but I still never said anything I would just text stroppy msgs & he would write I'm just not sure what I want anymore we get on ok and ur ok for a guy who's new to gay sex. When I got replies like that I was obvi going to be upset. You can say why didn't u just dump him ages ago but I really liked him. It went on for a couple of weeks like that and eventually I wrote hey do u just want to be friends instead which he jumped at the chance. He said he was too busy with his new job to date and wasn't going off with someone else just honestly was too busy to date but could be fuck buddies with no strings attached.
I went along with that because I really liked him and I honestly believed when he said I'm too busy to date but In my mind I thought we would get back together I had no idea I was getting played here. It didnt last long anyway when he realised I wanted more but he did say he wasnt going off with anyone else yet 2 weeks later on his dating profile he'd changed all his profile to dating which was something he never did with me. I don't understand why he did that why not just be honest with me and he knew I was going to see it and be hurt. I gave up alot for him I told my mum I was gay I moved to be near him then he cut me off so quickly and went off with some rich tosser.
What I did right away was think I need to move on and find someone else fast which I did I went on lots of dates but I didn't feel anything for these guys. When I'd hug them I wished it was my ex I was hugging not them. After 1 date I went off to a gay bar on my own I was feeling miserable because here I am the guy I loved dosen't want to be with me and gone off with someone else and I can't find anyone I like. 2 guys that night came on to me, not that they were my type but I was miserable and lonely that I spoke with them. One took me back to the hotel and um because I felt so crap about myself I was going todo it. Half way through I changed my mind I said to him I can't do this I don't want todo this which he grabbed my phone off me which I took as attack so I tackled him down, got my stuff and got out of there. The other bloke I was with was waiting outside the hotel which was weird I thought, He came up and said come back to mine you'll be fine its all ok were chat. I was sorta shaken up.
In his place I said I got a headache he gave me this pink pill which I took. Soon enough yep I knew it wasn't a normal pill. I said can I use your bathroom and I locked myself in there. I phoned everyone I knew but it was 3 in the morning so noone was picking up, I had my exes number up I was gonna call but I knew he wouldn't come and help me as I knew he didn't care about me at all. The guy got in sometime later I was out of it. He got me to his bed and proceeded to do some oral on me. In the morning he acted like nothing had happened and I just wanted to get out of there. I was pretty shaken up and looked like death.
After that I went back on my dating site and re-wrote my profile to read if ur anything like my ex I don't want to know u and I listed all the things he'd done to upset me which is too long to write here and it was wrong that I did that - It was immature. I wrote messages to him for a long time saying how sorry I was and I truely was sorry.
All since these moments I keep going back and forth between dating girls and guys. I can't tell u how many times I have opened and deleted gay dating sites. I've gone through stages of becoming a asshole like the guys I'd dated and slept around, dated 3 people at once. (side note- safe sex!) I met one guy who I knew really liked me and I knew id be happy with him but he wasnt enough he liked ballet classical music theatre which is the oppisite to me. I felt bad for that guy when I said I didn't want to be with him b/c I knew he liked me. I dated girls I really liked but I just dont what I want anymore.
A couple of months ago I got better with it all I was starting to be content with being gay again. I went on a date with a older guy he was mid 30's. I thought he was ok but I wasn't going to meet him again. I said on the date I have to leave now to catch my train back because I have work tomorrow. He said thats ok ill get a taxi. Thing was he didnt send the taxi to the station he sent us back to his flat. I was annoyed but he said well leave but u arn't going to get to the train station in 10 minutes (this was the last train back) So I stayed there the night. It was a ok night but I never heard of him again but when I did at least he was honest about what his intentions were that night and I gave him something for thinking he could get away with doing that to me.
So It set me off again that all men are like that. I do get alot of attention and 1 guy now is really nice and I've been honest with him.... he said we can wait as long as u want so I get the impression this guy is a good guy. I'm not ready though anymore and I have no idea what I want anymore. Most nights I've been drinking 8 cans. Which im going to stop from this moment on. I think when I drank I felt a bit lose tongued so I could say what I wanted to say. Ever since I split from the first guy I liked all I ever wanted was to be friends but he hardly ever replied if when he has he would just say we never devolped then say lets cut contact. We didn't devolep because he was going off with everyone else. I'm not bothered by him anymore I'd like to be friends but he always carries on being horrible to me which brings up the hurt all over again.
I think thats my biggest worry is dating another guy falling for them and there off sending pictures of there private parts or talking to other guys meanwhile telling me lets go on holidays, I want kids and a big house one day.
I need to let go of the thought of that dude. I know he never cared me. Since all of this I've had so many moments where I dont live anymore I wanna give up. One day I told him about It I asked if we could speak he said well Im too busy with my bf go and talk to your mum someone who cares about u. Man the hurt that comes of someone who hurt u that bad and then they dont care about u after. I went to the doctors she said I was fine she said I was more grown up and smarter than I give myself credit for and Im great that I can see things from both sides.
Who knows what I'm gonna do next I hope it does get easier with time. I work in construction and building so I know that hearing homophobia like I do is hard. Especially when tom daily came out I remember then not wanting to be gay.
Honestly I don't really care what anyone thinks those people are arrogant. I just hope I can pull myself together now and except myself for who I am and be happy with it.
Everything else in my life is great, I have a nice home, I have great mates, I love my job.... Just the love life well excepting it is my issue.
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