Let the right guy get away...

[deltalover4]

Hello everyone, I'm new to all of this, and I'm sorry in advance for the long post. While I have been very familiar with forums, creating many of my own in the years past, I have never really been on a gay forum to express my feelings, which is something I should have been doing for years.

To make a long story short, I'm a single bi male, pretty much known my entire life, but can't seem to cross the point where I need to be who I am, and come out to my family. Granted, I do live in a very "conservative" part of North Carolina, so that's a big reason why I haven't made the big step.

The purpose of this thread is about a guy. I know...we all have a story like this. But this story continues to break my heart every day, and if I could take one action back, I would.

Anyways, this guy and I went to school together in high school. We were both probably still dealing with our feelings, so we never saw each other in that light. We never talked much, and went our own way. But mid to late December of 2013, I found him on POF. He had changed a lot, becoming so attractive, and overall sounded like a really great guy. Now, messaging him wouldn't be the first time I have exposed myself to another guy in this town. And even if he was prepared to expose my secret, I didn't care, because there was just something about him that made me want to take that risk.

So I messaged him. He recognized me and we caught up for all the years that we missed out of not knowing each other. Turns out that when we knew each other, he was very much a straight man, but a very devastating break up led him to viewing love in a new way, seeking a relationship, or even friendship from men who were in the same boat as he was. Immediately, I knew he was something special. He didn't ask for sex, no nude photos, nor did he ask for any dirty fantasies and such. He was as gentleman, telling me up front that he was simply wanting to meet new people and see where that led to.

One day, I asked him if he wanted to have dinner. He said yes, and we went and had dinner in town. I figured, "Now I'll see if he is really this great in person." And he was. We had so much in common together, he was a very clean guy, and was just overall a nice person to be around. That was the first time in my life when I was disappointed to part ways.

That point on, I had a crush on him and began developing feelings for him. Since he paid for dinner, I was under the impression that it was sign of his same feelings for me. While I hinted that I saw it as something more, he made it clear that he was only looking for friends, and I didn't push the subject.

But while we were talking, he kept asking to hang out, watch movies, have me over to his place and whatnot. I was convinced that he wanted a "second date."

Since we went to the same university, I took him out to lunch one day as a thank you for paying for my dinner. And that too was a great experience and I thought it clearly showed mutual signs from both of us that we had some kind of feelings for each other.

While I continued to hold my tongue, and continued to chat with him as a friend, I noticed that his interaction with me became less and less. One weekend, I didn't hear from him at all, which was very unlike him. Once he came back in contact with me, he said that he had a friend over for the weekend. I understood that it could be possible to lose track of your phone while a friend was over, but was not convinced that you could lose contact for 3 whole days.

The moment I feared finally came a week after. I'm unsure how it came about, but he eventually told me that the friend that came over was someone that he had feelings for, and was unsure how to approach it. I tried to be a good friend and support him, but very quickly I came to the conclusion that I had became close enough with him that I could share my true feelings for him and there was a possibility that he shared those same feelings.

So I told him. And while he did admit that he knew of my feelings before I told him, he wouldn't tell me if he thought the same of me. He said that this revelation complicated things between us. He never would tell me what his thoughts of me were though. So I kept asking him, hoping that no matter what his answer was, I would either become something more than a friend to him, or move on a be a best friend to him. He said no, he didn't have feelings for me. I told him it was fine, and we can go back to being good friends that we had become for a month and a half.

Four months have passed, and I have not heard from him since. I eventually grew tired of having my messages ignored, so I deleted his number from my phone, erasing any temptation I may still have to contact him. And since then, I have never heard from him.

Recently, I have heard that he came out to his mother, and that he is in a relationship with the man that he had met while we were friends. I'm more than happy for him, knowing that all of this was a big journey for him. But it breaks my heart that I couldn't be there with him during his journey; as a friend. Sure, I had feelings for him, and I still wish it had worked out between us, but it hurts me more that I destroyed what I believe to be a true friendship that could have lasted us years.

I'm sorry guys, you all probably didn't want to hear my whole story. I just had to get this story that has been eating me every day out there. And maybe, just maybe, I will one day get the chance to talk to him again and make things right.

So my question to you is if I am at fault here, or was he not prepared to continue a friendship where the other person wanted more?

[jogu656]

I don't think its your fault, you did what you felt was best for you, some people don't handle things well, I had a crush on a friend too once upon a time, he found out not through me and distanced himself, I take it they think we might cling, plus your guy was going through things whit in himself and falling for someone else and maybe felt since you liked him it could get in the way of something he was working on. I say you shouldn't feel guilty he pushed you away so the one who should feel how you feel should be him, you did your best and offered a sincere friendship full of honesty and that is very important. You will find more people you can relate with and shouldn't be made to feel the way he made you feel, people who do that aren't worth it, hope one day he reaches out to you and apologizes that would surely help you out to close this chapter in your life.

[Bowyn Aerrow]

One thing you are at fault with here is not understanding the difference between acquaintance and friend. This is no fault of your own, its a highly popular mistake which the last I would say 30 years has been striving to create this false ideal that we can be friends with everyone.

Made even worse with Facebook and 'friending' strangers.

Humans cannot be friends with everyone. Most people have a friend list which is more or lease easily counted on the fingers (mind the thumb is not a finger) of one hand. Unfortunately most people also confuse the dozens of acquaintances with friends.

Friendships are actually almost as rare as relationships - both are a form of relationship, and both require a lot of work and a special connection to continue existing over the long haul.

Friendships are special bonds that are not easy to make, and require a bit of compromise, commitment and communication. Less so than a marriage/LTR with a partner, but its still there to a much higher degree than mere acquaintance-ship.

His issue most likely is the loose definition that the 21st century applies to the word 'Friends'.

Another issue here is your more than friendly attentions/desires/wants from him which means this is not really a failed friendship but an instance of unrequited love which is making this whole 'failed friendship' thing feel far more serious than it really is.

I think the real thing here is he wanted a FWB sort of situation, or just casual sex. The 'I want to be only friends' is a code often used by those who want 'just sex' without the attachment or the hard work of a relationship.

Or, he may have actually thought there was a potential for friendship - but like so many relationships it fell through after a time.

Your assessment that a real friend would include you in their life is fairly spot on. So this tells me that he was never really a friend and for whatever reason was only an acquaintance.

[Wolfpack]

No you are not at fault. And it is the hardest thing to want to be with someone who cannot return those same feelings. He probberly just cut of contact with you to cencentrate on his this new guy. Sadly for you moving on may be your only option, spending to much time and energy on someone who will not respond to you is no good for you. Try to move on with your life and see if you can find someone who feels the same way as you, someone who can give you what want and deserve. As for this guy you may contact each other again in the future and become friends again.

[CellarDweller]

No, not your fault at all.

[JimmyDalton]

I might be not the right person. But I learned a lot from your story.
I also had a crush on a friend at work. We were never close, no matter how hard I tried. When we accidentally met at a place, he was really friendly and warm. But when I messaged him, he only replied with short sentence.
Aftet three years burying my crush on him, and ending up failing again and again, I came up with a conclusion, that he knew I was into him, and he did respect that, but he has no feelings for me and never was interested to intensify our relationship, except just a friend.

I'm now moving on.

[deltalover4]

I don't think he established our acquaintance or friendship for sex. Sex never came up in our conversations.

I'm starting to think that he was more accepting of his sexuality than he was letting on. Maybe since he was out to his mom and was starting to meet a guy, he didn't have a need for me anymore.

I just wish instead of ignoring me, he had just talked to me so we could have worked things out...

[Ryocchi]

He wasn't the right guy, the right guy has to returns your feelings, and I'm sorry to tell you but he most likely never saw you as a potential lover.

I've been in the other side of the fence, there is a guy who liked me but i purposely evaded it as if I didn't know and constantly made references how I liked his friendship, I loved to hang out with him, he was funny outgoing and smart, and I didn't had many gay friends, but I didn't like him as a boyfriend when it became impossible to sustain a friendship like that i began to fade out making excuses because I felt guilty of noticing how much he liked me but being unable to return his feelings.

It's not one of my most stellar moments, but some years later we talked about it and I was able to apologize properly to him and we became friends again although not as close as before.

So don't idealize him, his not the holy grail, he's not your soul-mate, you're not going to spend the rest of your life alone if you don't get together with him, look at it for what it was a experience, learn from it and walk away, the old adage is sadly true for most people "you have to kiss a lot of frogs before finding your prince charming" except for some lucky bastards who find them early in their life, but they are the exception, not the rule.

[deltalover4]

I'm okay with him not returning my feelings, but why couldn't we try to become better friends?

[ddd]

I'm sorry to read all you have been through. But unfortunately sometimes friendships can't be built as we wish. You will overcome the frustration with the time.