Gay by choice - possible?

[Anonymous]

So I'm 34 years old man, I'm very gay friendly person, very liberal and open minded. I consider myself to be straight, at least I've never looked at men in a romantic way. However during my life I've noticed that I've very hard time making relationships with women. I guess that's because I'm different from the majority of people. I don't want to get married and I don't want any children, basically I don't want what is traditionally understood as family. And I've realized I'll never find a woman who would understand me and accept me completely. I can understand that life without any legal bounding and children is too much to ask from a woman. During years I've noticed that all women are practically equal on this matter, even if they say that just like me they don't want any children, it's only temporary. I had this girlfriend who at the beginning of our relationship told me how much she dislikes children and claimed she'll never have them. Everything was fine and then one day, when we were together for more than a year, she started to show me magazines with strollers and cribs and baby clothes, talking about how nice would it be if we would be three. Needless to say, we broke up. She then told me I'll never find a normal woman who wouldn't want marriage and children.

After these relationships I spent a calm evening in a bar with a colleague of mine who's also a good friend. I told him what happened and that I don't want what everyone wants and that's why I might end up alone and he then as if accidentally said "well, maybe you should be together with a man then".

He said it as if joking, but this thought got caught in my mind and I've been thinking that maybe he's right. I've been thinking about it a lot now. I know being gay or straight is not a choice and you like what you like, but maybe it could work. Like I said, I've never looked at men in a romantic way, sometimes I've been like "wow, he's good looking", but nothing more than that. I want to love someone and I want someone to love me and I know many men share my views about family life. I've been thinking about how would it feel with a man and how would our relationships work out. I'm a very faithful person, if I'm together with someone, I never look at anyone else. I believe relationships with a man could be easier, as your own gender will always understand you better.

What do you think? Would it be a good idea?

[Cuddly]

You're not gay or bi, how could a homosexual relationship ever work?

Not wanting children I can understand, but what's wrong with mariage or atleast legal partnership?

[HumbleTangerine]

Being gay is absolutely not a choice.

With that said, I guess it's possible you're not as straight as you think. You can't completely exclude the possibility that you would discover a new side of your sexuality if you tried being with a man. A lot of people don't realize that their sexualities have actually been a lot more fluid than they initially thought until they're well into their adult years.

With that having been said; it's never a choice. You can't make yourself attracted to men, you can only discover that you've had the... "potential", for lack of a better word, all along

[Anonymous]

I don't want anything legal. I've hated all these legal things all my life. I don't want to be bound to someone. Besides you can never know what'll happen in life. What if I understand this person is not the one I want to spend the rest of my life with? Divorce, courts, spoiled nerves, etc. No, I don't need that.

[EvenOlderButWiser]

As HT said, your sexuality is something your born with, it's not a choice.

I suspect if you "tried" to be gay, you would find yourself in exactly the same position as you do now in your straight relationships.

If you think gay guys DONT want to get married or have kids, well I have news for you on that front LoL.

Perhaps you think being gay gives you the freedom to sleep around without commitment? Sure it does. It will also get you a reputation as a bit of a slut (yes, there are male versions!) I think you will also find it ultimately unrewarding, as at the end of the day we all need/want to be loved by someone. It's in the genes, gay or not.

ObW
X

[AlfredM]

While being gay is not a choice,I don't see why you can't experiment with your sexuality,maybe you are sexually fluid to a certain man.

Keep in mind though there are romance and sexual part in a relationship,so you might be able to love a guy romantically,but not sexually if you're straight. I know I could love a woman romantically during my bi phase,but not sexually 'cause I'm gay.

The actual choice is experimenting,not being gay. So go on,experiment with another man,and let us know how that works,or not,totally your choice~

[swalter]

There's no choosing your sexual orientation; it's determined in the womb during fetal development. Sexuality is a spectrum, with an infinite number of points between "homosexual" and "heterosexual".

[AlohaShannon]

As all have noted, sexuality is not a choice; your actions are a choice. You can choose to experiment but you can't choose whether or not being with a man will work for you.

Personally, I see this issue from a different angle. You feel that because you don't want to be tethered to someone and can break the relationship off on a whim that no woman would want to be with you. So you surmise that being in a relationship with a man would fit that relationship mold that you want. Whether it is with a woman or with a man, real relationships don't work that way. You emphatically state that you don't want to be legally bound to someone else, which I have to believe goes deeper than being against "the man" and the "establishment".

Men and women, gay or straight, within the context of a relationship, want to feel safe, valued, loved, and know that their partner is committed to them. Refusing to be "bound" to someone is the same as saying that you can't assure your partner that you'll be there tomorrow.

Just my thoughts about the question you raise. Good luck to you on your quest though.

[Wolfpack]

Your sexuality is not a choice, you are who you are

[ddd]

Like many people already have said here - being gay or straight is not a choice. During my teenage years and my early twenties I was trying to convince myself I'm straight. All my relationships with girls failed, because of lack of real attraction. So, you could delude other people who you are, but you can't deceive yourself. Your sexuality is not a button you could push to change your preferences. It's an illusion to think that someone would understand your feelings better only because he is the same-sex as you. I think your problem stems from your fear of entering into a long term committed relationship and it's not a sexual orientation issue.