Don't know how to help

[Anonymous]

So I got a buddy of mine who's in a bit of a tight spot and he's looking to me for help (there's really no one else for him to go) and I'm not at all sure what to tell him, so I thought I'd come here to see if anyone could tell me what to say or help me understand where he's coming from better, cause I'm having some trouble empathizing. I'm making this anonymous just in case... idk, just in case. lol

Alright, so here's what I know: My buddy is gay and his best friend is straight. They've been best friends since pre-school and they're in their early 20's now. He's never had "feelings" just an attraction, which they both know about, it's no secret. haha He's not into him romantically; actually, he's always behind any of his major hookups and even set him up with his sister once to see if they'd hit it off.

Anyway, my buddy has always wanted to hook up with his best friend, which the dude knows, but it's never been the defining thing of their friendship. Like, it's not the reason my buddy is friends with the dude. They're really close. Anyway, the dude has always told him he would never do anything with a guy and he's really not interested in that at all. Not in a mean way, just a he's straight and not curious way.

So my buddy's friend went for vacation over spring break a couple months ago and wound up getting drunk with a friend and a random gay spring breaker offered them head after flirting with them the whole night at the beach, and in their state (and after many failed attempts at roping in some chicks) they went through with it.

Just a couple days ago they were at a party and my buddy's best friend told him about the whole thing and now my friend's really upset. He's telling me it hurts his feelings that he always got told it would be way too weird to do anything with a dude, but the first time some random guy offers a bj he goes for it. He says it just feels insulting and that it was just about HIM and not guys in general, which is making him feel a little weird about himself, I guess?

His friend is freaking out saying he didn't realize it was such a big thing and he was drunk off his ass. He's talked to me and made it clear it was a one-off college thing and the whole experience was super awkward and uncomfortable and he's sticking to girls from now on. He's kicking himself for hurting my bud's feelings and he's scared they aren't friends anymore.

My friend is saying he got betrayed and his friend had to know telling him would hurt him so why say it at all, or why do it if all that stuff about not wanting to was true?

Honestly, my friend's great but I'm having trouble fully understanding where he's coming from. I guess I can see how he doesn't like it, but he's acting like his buddy doesn't care about him or their friendship at all, and I think that's unfair and totally untrue. I was hoping some of you could help me understand cause I want to help him but I can't if I can't see his side really. :/

I told him it's probably that he was just super wasted and that he sees him as a brother and doing something with him would be like fooling around with family. I feel like shit cause I know he loves my friend like blood and it's killing him having their friendship being potentially thrown away. I want to help, but I need some help myself in order to do that. Any thoughts on what to say?

[deltalover4]

I think he was just that drunk.

[jogu656]

I think your friend needs to understand that its not betrayal, actually its great he doesn't want to jeopardize the friendship. Besides you cant get sexual with a friend without it being awkward for either one. This reminds me if Brian and Michael from Queer As Folk, Michael always wanted Brian but Brian never messed with Michael because he loved him too much he didn't want to lose him and he respected him too much to make him one of his hook ups haha. I think your friend needs to cool it before he loses a great friend which BTW are hard to find.

[EvenOlderButWiser]

It sounds to me as if your friend is infatuated with the other (straight) guy, to the point that he feels he's been cheated on despite the fact that the other guy has no romantic interest. As a result of this, jealousy is taking over, and once it gets a grip it can be mighty hard to shake it off, and if not controlled can become very self destructive.

I think you need to sit your friend down and tell him that if he doesn't back off with the infatuation, then he's endangering his lifelong friendship with the other guy, which would be a real shame.

You sound like a good friend, to both the guys. Can you mediate with them separately, then arrange to meet both of them at the same time and see if they can both come to their senses and make up. Your gay friend has to see how jealous he's becoming, and understand if he doesn't get it in check now, he's going to loose his friend, and possibly you as well over this.

The straight guys already tried to apologise. You need to try and get them in a room and knock their heads together and get them to both understand the path of destruction their on, and that you won't be friends with either because you don't need this drama in your life.

May just work!

ObW
X

[Bowyn Aerrow]

Someone hasn't fully accepted that this is just a friendship - not a relationship. The whole 'you betrayed me' thing is 'you cheated on me' which reflects the mindset that someone feels this friendship is one of lovers.

You are a third party. There is little you can do. State an opinion and don't try to force anyone to do anything.

The guy who is all 'you are cheating on me' needs to figure out on his own the differences between cheating, friendships, relationships and get it through his head that no straight dude is going to be able to give him a relationship.

Even if this event tears the friendship apart, he needs to go through that to learn whatever lesson he needs to learn.

Pining for a dude you can't have because dude is not gay is an exercise in futility, it hurts a lot to have to go through the process of unrequited love. There is no advice one can give a person in such a state that will break them away from it.

This blow-job event will, undoubtedly, do what words cannot - send a clear message that straight guys ain't worthy 'lover' material. Friends - sure - lovers, never.

[ChadCoxRox]

Maybe you should offer your buddy benefits while he sorts it out? Just saying...

[Anonymous]

Well, it's still going on. Apparently my buddy's friend had always said if he ever did anything with a dude my friend would be the one he'd go to, and that's the main point of his hurt feelings. They're sorting it out. Thanks everyone.

[Cuddly]

It's so crazy... If I ever were to fool around with a woman, it sure as hell wouldn't be a friend... You don't just have casual sex with your friends. The relationship changes after you've been intimate.

[Jake]

A while ago and on a previous account I have posted the 13 scale levels of bisexuality and I'll do it again hoping that this can help you understand what happened that night.

Just remember alcohol is the truth serum... what one does when they had a glass or two or three is often what they really wanted to do in a normal state, but are too shy or scared to let it out without any type of psychotrop subtance influences.

But first, let's go far in the past (my past) when I used to call myself straight, then bisexual and later on gay. It took me from age 13 to age 29 to acknowledge that I wasn't straight, bisexual or curious. Yes, I know it's a long process, while some people just go straight up saying they are gay, I went through the phases. I still consider myself bisexual because, it is true, I can and I am still interested in girls, but they are certainly not my first pick. And when I finally to decide to marry, I married a dude LOL. But I digress, so let's go back to the subject at hand.

See below the 13 levels of bisexuality... Those are very complex, and while many gays or straights would say that a bisexual is sitting on a fence, you'd be surprised how many of them are not considering themselves as sitting on a fence. Some have compared bisexual to agnostic and atheist... But that is absolutely not the same since being agnostic was developed by Blaise Pascal which we call "The Pascal's wager" which implement that one should be in a safe spot by saying if god exist I believe in him and if not just "basta". Bisexuality doesn't work like that, it has a lot of shade of gray.

Alternating bisexuals:
May have a relationship with a man, and then after that relationship ends, may choose a female partner for a subsequent relationship, and many go back to a male partner next. (That's actually the type of bisexual I am, although I am considering myself gay at the moment, nothing said that a girl would not win me over if ever I was to end my relationship with my husband (not likely) but it could happen)
Circumstantial bisexuals:
Primarily heterosexual, but will choose same sex partners only in situations where they have no access to other-sex partners, such as when in jail, in the military, or in a gender-segregated school. (I went to an all-boy private college so yes there was a lot happening in the dorm rooms, but yet I was not considering myself as being gay even though I'd go full blown sexual with a guy)
Concurrent relationship bisexuals:
Have a primary relationship with one gender only, but have other casual or secondary relationships with people of another gender at the same time. (that happened when I was with my daughter's mother)
Conditional bisexuals:
Either straight or gay/lesbian, but will switch to a relationship with another gender for financial or career gain or for a specific purpose, such as young straight males who become gay prostitutes or lesbians who get married to men in order to gain acceptance from family members or to have children. (Never did give a shit about what my family thought of me lol)
Emotional bisexuals:
Have an intimate emotional relationships with both men and women, but only have sexual relationships with one gender.
Integrated bisexuals:
Have more than one primary relationship at the same time, one with a man and one with a woman. (from 15 to 20 yes it was totally the case)
Exploratory bisexuals:
Either straight or gay/lesbian, but have sex with another gender just to satisfy curiosity or "see what it's like." (Your friend's buddy may have been in this category)
Hedonistic bisexuals:
Primarily a straight or gay /lesbian but will sometimes have sex with another gender primarily for fun or purely sexual satisfaction. (that was the old me... I was labelling myself as straight but had quite a lot of gay sex as well)
Recreational bisexuals:
Primarily heterosexual, but engage in gay or lesbian sex only when under the influence of drugs and/or alcohol. (that's another possibility that your friend's buddy may have been)
Isolated bisexuals:
100% straight or gay/lesbian now but has had at one or more sexual experience with another gender in the past.
Latent bisexuals:
Completely straight or gay lesbian in behavior but have strong desire for sex with another gender, but have never acted on it. (There's more of those than gay or straight themselves)
Motivational bisexuals:
straight women who have sex with other women only because a male partner insists on it to titillate him.
Transitional bisexuals:
temporarily identify as bisexual while in the process of moving from being straight to being gay or lesbian, or going from being gay or lesbian to being heterosexual. (as much as it may have sound like me it wasn't... when I understood and apprehend my bisexuality I was not considering myself either gay or straight)

So the case of your friend's buddy here does appears in the 13 levels of bisexuality and as a conclusion SEX is SEX and it doesn't matter who it is when it is or how it happened. History has proven that bisexuality and homosexuality we're there way before we even think about it or label it. It's just a matter of accepting.

But at the sametime, I understand your buddy's friend not wanting to jeopardize its longlasting friendship with his friend by letting him suck his cock which will obviously create a nasty boomrang effect of one falling in love and the other not being interested because it was just a one time deal. I did lost a friend that way and it's not fun. It has been 15 years and we still don't speak to one another and he lives three block away from my house.

DON'T FUCK YOUR BEST FRIEND! That's it that's all.

[ChadCoxRox]

A while ago and on a previous account I have posted the 13 scale levels of bisexuality and I'll do it again hoping that this can help you understand what happened that night. DON'T FUCK YOUR BEST FRIEND! That's it that's all.

I like J.R. Little's work on Bisexuality. Here's a link to a more complete text of the work:
http://www.cat-and-dragon.com/stef/poly/...exual.html

Last, I agree that it is not wise to have sex with your best friend, in general. But I also know some very stable and strong relationships that have resulted from best friends figuring out they needed to have sex and give it a try. I suppose they were fortunate, but I'm not certain it was just luck.