Why am I jealous of my gay friend while being straight myself?

[Anonymous]

I’m 30 years old man and I’ve some kind of a problem that’s bothering me for a long time already. I’ve a friend, we know each other for many years. He’s gay, but that has never been a problem for me, I’m very liberal and gay friendly person.

The thing is that I don’t understand my feelings towards him anymore. I feel terribly jealous when he tells me about his love interests and his partners and I don’t understand why. I’m totally straight, but for some reason I feel horrible when he’s together with someone. For some years he had a boyfriend. Every time he told me about how much he loved his boyfriend and how wonderful it was with him, I felt like I could explode. When they broke up, I felt relieved that that guy will not paw him again. I probably makes me a bad person, I should have felt sad that a good friend of mine has lost his lover, but I felt joy. Every time he tells me about some guy that he has met, I have to act like I’m happy for him. But later in that night I cannot sleep, when I think about that they are kissing, making love and so on. I feel indescribably jealous, that somebody is touching him.

Don’t get me wrong, it’s not because I would want my friend for myself, that’s not true. I’m only interested in women. It’s also not because he would have less time for me because of being in relationship. The time that we’re spending together is more than enough. So I don’t understand what’s going on with me. Most of my friends have girlfriends, lovers and relationships and I don't care at all. I only feel like this towards him. How should I understand this strange jealousy? Why do I feel like this? Maybe I need professional help?

[ChadCoxRox]

I think you should use it to flatter him. Sharing it will expose it. Exposing it will minimize any potential for it to fester into something beyond the simple process of actually caring for the person while not being interested sexually in the man. Since he is gay he'll love the wonderful compliment and you might strengthen the friendship even further.

[Fides]

I think you have deep feelings for your friend. I don't know if you're in love with him or not, but the feelings are there.
It's not impossible for someone to fall in love without being attracted to the person.

What I can suggest is... First, try to figure out what those feelings are, how strong they are. If you've had strong feelings for women before, then it should help identify what it actually is.
When you figure it all out, think about what you want out of it.

You say you don't want him all to yourself... Well, your words are expressing otherwise. Maybe you don't want to go out with him, or be in a relationship with him, but your reactions to his breakups and mingling clearly show that you're somewhat possessive. (The other theory would be that you enjoy his pain, but he's your friend and you care about him, so that wouldn't make sense)

Now, about what you want out of it... Since you don't want to go out with him and you're not attracted to him, then to me, you have 3 options (and that's just my personal opinion, anyone is free to agree or disagree) :
Door 1 : You express how you feel, which results in 2 outcomes, he understands and it changes for the better or it gets awkward and the friendship is no longer the same.
Door 2 : You don't tell him how you feel. You suck it up, you support him and you learn to get passed the feelings.
Door 3 : You just tell him that you'd prefer it if you guys didn't discuss his conquests. Reassure him that it has nothing to do with him (in case he questions your gay-friendliness... Don't even know if the word exists) and things will continue as they were.

I'm just sharing thoughts, and I might be wrong, in which case you're more than welcome to correct me, and if you're interested, I can give my opinion according to your answer...

[swalter]

Hey anon, thanks for sharing this predicament with us. It sounds like you've got some complicated feelings for your friend, and need help unpacking and making sense of them. I think reaching out and getting some different opinions is a good first step, but you should probably make an appointment with a therapist who is better suited to helping you get real answers. Personally, I think everyone can benefit from having a therapist; someone with training and experience who isn't connected to your life. That being said...

We've talked about this here before, but it bares repeating: sexual orientation is a spectrum, with "homosexual" on one side, and "heterosexual" on the other. We all fall somewhere on the line between the two sides, with most people landing somewhere close to the heterosexual end-point. Those of us who identify as "gay" fall somewhere on the other side, closer to the homosexuals end-point. Keep in mind that there's an infinite number of points in between, and with few exceptions, all of us occupy a point between the two poles; very few people are absolutely straight, or absolutely gay. On top of all this, sexual orientation is fluid, and changes throughout our lives.

From what you've described, I suspect you've fallen in love with your friend. I also suspect that while you identify as "straight", you actually fall somewhere between the endpoints on the heterosexual side. This doesn't mean you are gay, or would be comfortable identifying or living as a gay man. But it has left you open to falling in love with a person who happens to be of the same sex.

Given how complex and unique your feelings are, I really think it would behoove you to get some help working it out and understanding. I think you should continue with your friendship, and refrain from bringing it up to your friend before you've had the opportunity to make some sense of your feelings.

Good luck with this. If you'd like to talk privately, you're welcome to PM me.

[Bowyn Aerrow]

How many other people to you own in this manner?

If its just him then you are most likely emotionally gay - meaning attached to him in a semi to totally Romantic sort of emotional way. This isn't to say you want to have sex with him, its means that your closeness to him is such that its semi-romantic.

I think the term 'bromance' attempts to address that super closeness two guys can have without taking it to the sex level. Its an emotional attachment, not a physical one.

If you do this jealousy thing with other friends it may simply be you are an 'alpha male' who feels he must 'own' his pack or maintain his territory.

[Jake]

That's a boycrush... and boy crushes happens to non gaymen... just like BA said it's an emotional affection for your friend... not sexual but emotional. You might want to search a little deeper in what make you have this feeling. And dude, being straight doesn't salvage you from being in love with a man. You can be straight and be extremely in love with someone but sex isn't part of it. Damn I'd love to have this kind of love for somebody where the end result is pure affection for one another without the feeling that we need to fuck our brains out. But I also like the fucking part though LOL.

[Charon]

You are why the term "bromance" was coined. As long as the two of you have been around each other, it was almost axiomatic that he'd get around to loving you. Of course you're a little puzzled, even a lot puzzled because some of his affection is returned, has been for some while. Now you feel as if you must make a choice that, in fact, you do not. You can stay his very dear and close friend, give him a hug, let him hug you, some intimacy between people is pleasant and just affirms the friendship. However, if he asks to borrow your Levi's while you're wearing them, it's time to draw some lines.

[Anonymous]

He's the only person that has made me feel like that. I've never been so jealous ever in my life, not even when I had relationships and my woman was flirting with another man.

Why does it happen with him alone? I've many other friends and I couldn't care less about their love life, But with him, just can't stand seeing someone touching him. He doesn't know about it and probably he'll never know.

[Bowyn Aerrow]

You are 'emotionally gay' for him.

Understand that most people fall on the bisexual scale. While you may be predominately straight, say 98% of the time, there is the potential that 2% of the time you can have 'gay tendencies'.

Most people who claim to be totally straight (or for that matter totally gay) do have a minor percentile to swing the other way when the wind blows from the right angle, when the stars align just so, when they meet that one off individual who does 'it' for them.

While you may not be sexually active with men, there may be a bit of wiring emotionally speaking that makes you able to form a deeper bond (lovers with out the sex type bond) to a few (perhaps very few) males.

Clearly you are far more emotionally attached to this fella. Emotionally you expect monogamy from him - which is what lovers expect of their partners. Practically you understand that you can't have him that way - but that practicality comes from the newer rationality/reasoning part of the brain. What you are feeling comes from the older, animal part of the brain and I fear that chunk of brain is not only older and more experienced, but also larger thus often more powerful.

I suspect that he actually loves you as much as you love him. Thus undoubtedly feeds your emotional beast those clues that scream 'I'm your partner' however you are both capable of reasoning and know that the circumstance is not going anywhere because you are predominately (not totally) straight.

None of this is to imply you should bed him. Sex is only a small part of sexuality. Sex is a far more complex thing than what most people believe, and its part of a larger set of behaviors and activities humans do for socializing and forming bonds with other humans.

Bromance is a newish term which may be applied here. I don't know, the definition of Bromance seems to change depending on who one talks to or which site ones goes to.

Love as a general concept is vastly complicated. The Greeks did the best by coming up with a few different words to attempt to address that complexity. English has only one word, thus one can love their mother, love their dog, love ice cream and love their spouse/SO and everyone pretty much knows that those are different forms of love.

Love also comes in all sorts of depths and strengths. And manifests a lot more symptoms than most people believe. Thus ones love for their first SO mayn't be exactly the same for the Second. Thus the love of one friend isn't as strong/deep or manifests specific behaviors as with another.

I would love nothing more than to link you to psychological papers that definitively explain love and what you are feeling. However even the fields of mental health have yet to agree on that subject... And poets and philosophers also tend to disagree.

Love is an individual experience that a person feels differently for each person in their life.

If it helps you are 'normal' - I hate that word normal. I'm using it to tell you that you fall within nominal parameters of human experience.

[larafan25]

wow. Thank God for this emotionally gay thing

I had this for a few of my friends in elementary school. I was always afraid it meant I was straight or bi or something. But like. Im gay.