My partner is into B & D (he likes being sub) but lately some of the stuff he wants seems to be more like S & M --- IDK, I'm starting to feel a little uneasy. He says it's just a game but I'm afraid of hurting him and to be honest, some of the stuff makes me feel ridiculous.
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I like a little vanilla flavored Dominance and Submission but the S&M stuff isn't my cup of tea. I don't see anything wrong with it though...I am cool with anything two or more consenting adults want to do.
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Jace Wrote:My partner is into B & D (he likes being sub) but lately some of the stuff he wants seems to be more like S & M --- IDK, I'm starting to feel a little uneasy. He says it's just a game but I'm afraid of hurting him and to be honest, some of the stuff makes me feel ridiculous.
The key to any relationship is communication, and this is especially true when you add the BDSM element to the mix. I would suggest that you sit down and talk about things, let him know your hesitations and limits and find out his. Maybe set up a set of safe words. (Green, Yellow, RED) So he can let you know where he is on his pain threshold and how far you are from those hard limits and actually -hurting- him.
And also, if you're the top or dominant in this situation, then you are ultimately in control. Your limits are just as important as his are, so keep them in mind and if you have to back off? Then explain why or else you might end up with -him- feeling inadequate instead of it just being your own limitations in this area.
Not sure if this helps or not...but good luck, man.
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Gideon Wrote:I'm personally more into the D/s aspect than the S&M. Though I -can- be a bit of a sadist with the right motivation. But nothing really compares to that moment when he -surrenders- to me completely and just...comes apart in my hands. It's beautiful, it's amazing and very, very intimate.
It's a high that the chemical doesn't even get close to.
That's kinda exactly what I was trying to describe earlier in the thread.... But added to that moment is the afterwards. It's a HUGE bonding thing that happens...
Difficult to explain in words
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Gideon Wrote:The key to any relationship is communication, and this is especially true when you add the BDSM element to the mix. I would suggest that you sit down and talk about things, let him know your hesitations and limits and find out his. Maybe set up a set of safe words. (Green, Yellow, RED) So he can let you know where he is on his pain threshold and how far you are from those hard limits and actually -hurting- him.
And also, if you're the top or dominant in this situation, then you are ultimately in control. Your limits are just as important as his are, so keep them in mind and if you have to back off? Then explain why or else you might end up with -him- feeling inadequate instead of it just being your own limitations in this area.
Not sure if this helps or not...but good luck, man.
Safe words is good advice, but the sub is always in control. Never the top. The top must always limit to what the sub is experiencing, Without that the trust goes
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I'd do BD but not SM. I don't like hurting people during sex. Pain is anger, not passion.
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TimeSage Wrote:I'd do BD but not SM. I don't like hurting people during sex. Pain is anger, not passion.
I think that's too simplistic.
The "pain" you refer to is the "element" your "partner" wishes to explore.
Unless you (as the administrator) go beyond that which the sub indicates <safe words> it is for the sub pleasure
If B&D is the limit to which your partner wishes to go good & well, then both of you will experience that special something, but if he wishes to go further then why not be that special person that's going to take him to where he wishes to go?
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trialbyerror Wrote:Safe words is good advice, but the sub is always in control. Never the top. The top must always limit to what the sub is experiencing, Without that the trust goes
I think this might depend on the dynamic of those involved. For example, if the sub is willing to go -way past- the dominant's thresholds and limits, then it's ultimately the Dominant that's in control since the chances of the sub hitting 'RED' are next to none.
I'd agree that in most cases, it's the other way around tho.
With Gideon and myself, I know if I say stop, he'd stop. This, though, puts me in a lull of feeling safe to the point I may forget to say it. I depend on him to know me well enough to -check- and make sure I'm ok tho, or stop before it goes too far.
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trialbyerror Wrote:That's kinda exactly what I was trying to describe earlier in the thread.... But added to that moment is the afterwards. It's a HUGE bonding thing that happens...
Difficult to explain in words
That would be the aftercare...and yeah, it's a very important part of the process, at least to me(Twist and I) And that aftercare, for us, can be needed sometimes for days after an intense scene. Especially when subdrop occurs.
And you're right as well, I should have phrased myself a little more carefully in my advice about communication. Though in my experience, a submissive, especially one who trusts fully and is able to completely hand over that control...most of the time that safe word won't come out. It either doesn't occur to them or they don't want to feel like they are..disappointing or they're just too far gone in that subspace to realize they should be pulling the red flag. In that case(and in the case of possible danger/harm) it is the dominant or top's responsibility to be in charge. To assess the situation, to know their bottom/submissive well enough to know when to stop or slow or ease up.
But then I am very protective of mine...even sometimes to the point of protecting him from himself.
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S & m
