What's on Your Mind

[Jay]

That I finally willing to admit the reason why I'm avoiding guys completely is because I don't feel I deserve them because I'm not good enough for any of them.

I don't want to go into details but I hope one day I can defeat this demon. But if not, oh well.

[Bhp91126]

Hey Jay, you have so many great qualities that other men would appreciate. So, your not-deserving-guys attitude is an excuse not to engage in the messy and dangerous dating game.

[CellarDweller]

Bernd is right! Just from your posts here, we can see that you are a great, smart, and interesting person. Anyone would be lucky to have you.

[Jay]

Thanks @Bhp91126 and @CellarDweller for the very kind words. I really need those encouragement words. I'll do my best to strangle my inner demon and put him to sleep.

Thanks again, guys!

[InbetweenDreams]

That I finally willing to admit the reason why I'm avoiding guys completely is because I don't feel I deserve them because I'm not good enough for any of them.

I don't want to go into details but I hope one day I can defeat this demon. But if not, oh well.

Jay, you're totally worthy of someone's love. You're a good looking guy with a great personality and don't ever doubt that.

   

[Jay]

That I finally willing to admit the reason why I'm avoiding guys completely is because I don't feel I deserve them because I'm not good enough for any of them.

I don't want to go into details but I hope one day I can defeat this demon. But if not, oh well.

Jay, you're totally worthy of someone's love. You're a good looking guy with a great personality and don't ever doubt that.

Thanks Mike. I really need those kind words these days. This is the territory that I still fail to conquer. I'm a very confident guy but I guess I am still insecure in some ways. Normally I'm very open to talk about my problem but this particular one makes me a little discomfort. So I'm going to try to solve it by myself really hard. Again, I really appreciate your encouragement, Mike.

[InbetweenDreams]

@Jay It seems that it is very common that we're harder on ourselves than we are with others. I have insecurities myself and similarly I feel the same way about certain guys. I often feel that someone is out of my league because I think they're too good looking, too successful, too wealthy, too much and in a way I feel like I'm being honest with myself but I also feel in retrospect that I'm cheating myself.

About 6 years ago I met someone who I had a huge crush on. I become a bit infatuated, jealous and anxious because he was such a good looking guy and through my rose tinted glasses felt that he was just the perfect guy. I mean he was smart, sexy, we had some things in common, similar interests. Because I was so insecure about myself and had become anxious and jealous I pushed him away (there's more to it). I didn't push him away because he was so much better looking, or because he was going down a more successful career path, I did it myself. What am I getting at? People tend to appreciate and value things about you that you simply aren't cognizant of. I really regret having pushed him away in the manner that I did, as a result, hasn't spoke to me since and unfortunately that's the way it is.

[Jay]

@Jay It seems that it is very common that we're harder on ourselves than we are with others. I have insecurities myself and similarly I feel the same way about certain guys. I often feel that someone is out of my league because I think they're too good looking, too successful, too wealthy, too much and in a way I feel like I'm being honest with myself but I also feel in retrospect that I'm cheating myself.

About 6 years ago I met someone who I had a huge crush on. I become a bit infatuated, jealous and anxious because he was such a good looking guy and through my rose tinted glasses felt that he was just the perfect guy. I mean he was smart, sexy, we had some things in common, similar interests. Because I was so insecure about myself and had become anxious and jealous I pushed him away (there's more to it). I didn't push him away because he was so much better looking, or because he was going down a more successful career path, I did it myself. What am I getting at? People tend to appreciate and value things about you that you simply aren't cognizant of. I really regret having pushed him away in the manner that I did, as a result, hasn't spoke to me since and unfortunately that's the way it is.

Okay, understood, Mike @InbetweenDreams. I appreciate you sharing your story. I'm sorry to hear about this. But hey, just to let you know, I think you're an amazing guy. If I live next door, I would already ask you out.

So since you shared your story, it would only be fair for me to tell mine.

So a quick background 101, I used to be Super Obese 363lbs /165kg with 64 inches waist. Pretty much the size of two men. Then I changed my life, worked out and so on. Many years later, I lost weight and all. I'm a happy boy.

Unfortunately, one part of post super obesity still haunts me. So back in 2011, I did two excess skin removal surgeries out of four. I just need two more to complete. But the other two were cancelled by my surgeon in 2012 because he was resigning and moving to a private hospital in another state. He did ask me to follow him but it was impossible for me to do so because of the medical cost. I did the first two surgeries in a semi government hospital therefore the cost was manageable. I told him that I will continue to do the remaining surgeries in the same semi gov hospital. The semi gov hospital told me that my surgeries will be delayed until they can find a new surgeon to do it.

I was fine and wasn't upset. I took the opportunity to work harder with my body. So eventually I accomplished and reached my peak. I got six pack and all. I just need to snip off the excess skin on my tummy and inner thighs.

So I waited every year for a call from the hospital. In the beginning, they did call. Excuses were given. First, there was no surgeon. Then there was no machine to do my surgery. And so on.

I continued to maintain my six pack, working out in the gym etc. Although deep down I was wondering when the surgeries going to be because I would like to live a 'normal' life like going to a beach shirtless without people looking at my excess skin. 

Fast forward to 2016, I was informed by the hospital that I've been short listed and on their waiting list. I was so happy to hear that. Until they explained further. The hospital told me that waiting list doesn't mean that my last two surgeries will be performed on that year or the next year or another year. They could be in another 5 to 10 years. Priority in the waiting list is given to burn patients and other critical patients that need constructive surgeries.

I was shattered. I worked so hard to fix my body only to end up with this?

But being me. I managed to pick up myself and boost myself up a few days later. I was like, don't worry because life is more than that. I believe it's true but life can be a pain in the butt and unfair too. The pressure starts to appear when few gym guys praised me for having a beautiful body and in my mind I'm like, dude you haven't seen me without my sleeveless t-shirt. These people do not know my background obese story. I got the same praise every year. Their high expectations put a pressure on me bit by bit. Worse when few of them asked me out. 

I can accept my imperfection and all because I'm used to what I see. But these guys? As shallow as it sounds, my mind cannot comprehend with the idea of these men looking at my naked body with excess skin. What if they freak out? What if they walk away? So many ifs.

There's this one particular guy in my gym that I really like since 2016. Long story short, he eventually approached me at the end of last year. I automatically stepped back because I was scared. As usual. I know that the most rational thing to do is to give it a try, to give the guy a chance, probably let him know about my obese story so he can soak into my life slowly and so on but I'm scared to make that first step. 

Knowing how superficial gay community (at least in my country) can be, well that doesn't help to ease my mind.

I lost count on how many guys I've avoided and said no to because of this whole thing.

Sorry, this whole thing probably sounds shallow, petty or such but for someone who has body image problem since he was a kid (I mean because of obesity and all), this whole thing is a big deal to me. 

I know that I'm the only one who can solve this and I need to be brave, rational and all. I've tackled a lot of things in my life but this one is real hard to crack. But I will try my hardest to tackle this problem or I will end up regretting for the rest of my life.

[InbetweenDreams]

I can accept my imperfection and all because I'm used to what I see. But these guys? As shallow as it sounds, my mind cannot comprehend with the idea of these men looking at my naked body with excess skin. What if they freak out? What if they walk away? So many ifs.

There's this one particular guy in my gym that I really like since 2016. Long story short, he eventually approached me at the end of last year. I automatically stepped back because I was scared. As usual. I know that the most rational thing to do is to give it a try, to give the guy a chance, probably let him know about my obese story so he can soak into my life slowly and so on but I'm scared to make that first step. 

Knowing how superficial gay community (at least in my country) can be, well that doesn't help to ease my mind.

I lost count on how many guys I've avoided and said no to because of this whole thing.

Sorry, this whole thing probably sounds shallow, petty or such but for someone who has body image problem since he was a kid (I mean because of obesity and all), this whole thing is a big deal to me. 

I know that I'm the only one who can solve this and I need to be brave, rational and all. I've tackled a lot of things in my life but this one is real hard to crack. But I will try my hardest to tackle this problem or I will end up regretting for the rest of my life.

It is difficult to deal with rejection coming from someone you really like. If someone really likes you for who you are that's not going to be an issue. Yes, there is a real chance that some guys will reject you because of that. That stuff hurts. I'm pretty well overweight and there's a lot of guys who won't give me the time of the day because of that. Not sure how one get's better at dealing with those type of people because it is hard for me not to feel bad about myself and feel hopeless. Just remember that sexy doesn't mean the same thing to different people, sexy doesn't always mean 6 pack abs or being a certain weight or having certain color eyes and so on. So yeah, I think you should give things a try. You have managed to do what many people fail at repeatedly, it takes an insane amount of self control and discipline and I would think that says a lot about you as a person and I think other people would agree.

[CuriosityCatCalled]

I've been looking through craigslist for all the sharing apartment stuff and you often see stuff about woman roomates getting a free room and it comes of as kinda preditory and such. Anyway, then that got me thinking about the social roles that completely change when you get to be into gay stuff, like that offer for "just live with me for free" doesn't really exist as prevalently but some bigots want to think that gays are the perverts. In conclusion, where the gay simps at??