Hello- I'm new here and I'm a bit afraid

[happyschizoid]

Welcome and you may just find what you need here.

Have no fear and take it slow.

[Kha]

no fear !
hi and welcome to GS, there're a lot of guys who are very thoughtful with great advice here, hope you find the answers soon

[Undreamt]

Welcome, I hope participating and reading this forum help you

But first I just want to tell you that you are wrong.

You say you don't know where to begin -
You have already begun, you looked up a gay site, you joined, and you posted. Congrats you are already up to step 4.

Lingo or culture - well most of it is English It really no different to any other community group, it varies wildly depending on which groups you join.

[East]

Hi SC Tony...welcome to GS ...now take a deep breath...and then another...and another...and relax. You will find a lot of people here that you can talk to and hopefully we can make you feel comfortable and safe.

[ddd]

Hi and Welcome to GS! Coming to terms with your feelings is never an easy thing to manage, but it's important if you want to feel satisfied with your life. By joining this forum you made the right step. You will find here a very comfortable place to talk about your feelings and to ask all the questions you have.

[EvenOlderButWiser]

to the Forum SCT.

Your situation is not as unusual as you may think, especially given the age bracket your in. It is becoming less common as the LGBT community is more openly accepted by mainstream society.

I was in a similar situation (married/kids/military) for a long time, however I eventually came out about 15 years ago and have now been partnered for 10. It was definitely not an easy journey.

Your in the right place for advice, so just ask away about anything.

The one bit of advice I will give you is if your using a computer shared with your wife/family is that you ensure you erase all traces of LGBT activity.

Feel free to PM me if you want to ask specific questions you feel you can't ask in the open forum.

ObW
X

[marshlander]

I long for a time when this no longer has to happen, but I suspect that we have a way to go yet.

At the risk of boring those who already know I got married at nineteen and realised on the wedding night that I had made a mistake. A Mormon upbringing and the times I lived in helped channel me away from something I knew at a very deep level and could never admit. My wife had been my best friend since we were sixteen. It took me until I was nearly forty to admit to myself that I wasn't who I thought I was. I began seeking answers in online forums. One thing led to another and I met and fell headlong in love with another man. It was only at that point that I recognised I had experienced similar feelings before with male friends. Anyway, by that time my wife and I had a family and unravelling all the mess I was in was painful, difficult and involved some mental health challenges. That process took years and I daresay is still ongoing.

Now some twenty years later I am divorced, a grandfather and have been in a long-distance relationship with princealbertofb (also on here) for more than eleven years. I have discovered that I have a capacity to love and be loved, something of which I thought myself incapable. Life is good.

We cannot tell which way your journey will go. We do not know what your relationship with your wife is like. If she wants to keep you she will let you go, but our conditioning and the prevailing social attitudes around us often do not encourage us to behave sensibly. My ex totally misunderstood what being gay was all about. She was convinced it was all about wanting to have anal sex. Being gay is much, much more than the sex. All these years later she still cannot talk about it. She sees it as a failure on her part to keep me and is convinced her friends think the same. She is still deeply ensnared in the Mormon cult and its lies have always influenced her thinking.

Whatever you do, you will have some tough decisions to make. If this call to be with a man is strong enough it will be almost impossible to ignore. You won't know how you might respond to such an experience until you have tried it. Reality is packed with sensations not present in fantasy. I don't know for sure, but if you have not been aware of your curiosity until this point, curiosity may well be the end of it. I did have sexual encounters with men throughout my marriage. Each time I hated myself and was determined it would never happen again. I met many men who also did not consider themselves gay or bisexual. We can fool ourselves for decades, but Mother Nature will eventually get her own way.

Best wishes to you. Life is a real bitch sometimes.

[princealbertofb]

Hello everyone

This is my first time posting in a message board- never thought I'd be posting in one called gayspeak. :biggrin:

I am a 49 year old married man living in South Carolina and I've been bi-curious for as long as I can remember. I label myself as curious because I've never taken any steps to act on my feelings other than viewing gay porn on the internet.

I have to tell you all, I'm scared. I want to explore this side of my sexuality but I don't even know where to begin. I don't know the lingo or the culture, I have no idea how to find someone to possibly meet, I don't even know what I'd do if I actually met someone.

On top of that- there's the guilt I'm feeling. I'm a married man and my wife would never accept that her husband wants to be with a man- even if it's only sometimes.

I'm hoping that by reading through the posts on here I will start to learn my way around and gain some insight into what I'm feeling and where I'm going. If anyone has any advice I'd be more than happy to receive it.

Thanks

For the moment, while I sift through all the answer posts, I'll just be wishing you to feel on GaySpeak. It's honestly as good a place as any to start a conversation on how you feel, and how (more or less) scared and desperate you are.
I suspect that this longing is getting to a stage when you feel you MUST explore your sexuality.
Have you been happy with your wife? There's no need to label yourself. Maybe you are just at a crossroads where things need to change.
The only thing I'll say for the moment is, if you do go down the route of exploring your sexual desires for intimacy with a man, you take precautions to protect yourself and your family. Seems obvious to say, but maybe needs repeating. You can't afford, while the whole process of (maybe) coming out is happening, to behave in a reckless way that everyone will regret.
Take care
PA

[princealbertofb]

I'm new here too, but I've been on another [gay] forum and we had guys like yourself drop by. I'm sure this will be a safe place for you to explore what you're feeling in a way that won't get you in any trouble with the missus. Sometimes camaraderie is enough.

Key sentence there. First of all, I'd advise that you try to get a little more acquainted with your feelings and the "culture", so to speak. I don't believe in the "culture" so much as I believe in what we feel deep down inside.

I've just posted a video about a little kid who at age 4 or 5 realised that he isn't a girl but a boy. His parents have taken steps to insure that he grows up happy until he can have the necessary surgery to put him in the right body (if he ever thinks it needs to happen).

As far as your journey is concerned, I'd say read up on what it means to be gay, read about sex, read about feelings, read about problems encountered by the "community" at large, be empathetic for how gays and lesbians have been treated in every corner of the globe, realise how lucky you are to live in an allegedly 'free' country, even if the Carolinas aren't the best place to be gay or bi-curious.

Next, I'd start watching films with gay themes. Maybe watch these with your wife, if she can be so open-minded. It will be a good starter to a difficult conversation.

If she is like Marshlander's wife, she may not even want you to watch these films, so you can watch them on your own. If she shows an interest, then maybe that's half of the difficulties solved.

Again, your curiosity may not mean that you're really gay. It may just mean that you're curious and bisexual, but most of us have called ourselves or acted bisexual while we couldn't get what we really wanted. Something of a transition point.

Gay apps and bars or night clubs are maybe not the best place for a guy of our generation to find a partner for a night, for a few months, for a lifetime. (I'm nearly 55, so we are the same generation )

Consider that you'll have to kiss a few toads before you find a prince charming, if that's what you're finally looking for. In the meantime, maybe you've just got to do a bit of homework, and get a little bit of experience. It's daunting, I understand that, but you're ready if you've asked for help. There are many men who can't be bothered to commit... too selfish, too scared... too entrenched in their ways. But evolution is also possible if you stay young at heart and open-minded. Find those qualities and desires in another male partner and you might be on your way to a beautiful relationship.
Good luck!

[showme]

The one bit of advice I will give you is if your using a computer shared with your wife/family is that you ensure you erase all traces of LGBT activity.
X

Chrome in incognito mode. :-)

Welcome. I'm older than you, but don't have this experience since I've been out forever. But I've seen friends go through it. Be respectful of yourself and your wife is the only thing I can add to what others have said. Sometimes it won't be easy to do both, but that's your main task as you explore your sexuality.

Best wishes.