Sharing Costs if Partnered

[dudewithabeard]

I wonder if heterosexual couples have this issue. Most of the couples I have know pool their money in together. After 7 years, do you really consider it your house and the other one his house. At what point in time do you think it will be Mr Anonymous and Mr Anonymous's husbands houses? It sounds like you are two guys in a relationship but who are just co-habitating. Is he your lover or is he your boyfriend?


edit.. I am a single man who has 3 failed long-term relationships so I really don't know what I am talking about.

[Anonymous]

Thanks for taking the time to respond. Lots of food for thought there.

We have been together over 10 years, but lived together for the past 7, so Im not sure if the 7 year itch rule applies.

We have a joint bank account thats always been used for household expenses. Its where the bills get paid out of, but we have also maintained our separate personal/business accounts for salary payments etc.

Ive asked about commitment/marriage a few times over the years, and come to the conclusion that he is the non committal type. I even wanted to sell both houses and buy "our" house but he made it clear that wasn't going to happen.

Perhaps Im just over reading the situation, but gut feeling can be a powerful thing. Im going to approach the subject again, as delicately as I can and see where it leads.

Thanks again everyone for your replies.

[Bowyn Aerrow]

Listen to your gut.

You know him better than any of us.

[ddd]

In every case - communication is the key!

[Iceblink]

I wonder if heterosexual couples have this issue. Most of the couples I have know pool their money in together. After 7 years, do you really consider it your house and the other one his house. At what point in time do you think it will be Mr Anonymous and Mr Anonymous's husbands houses? It sounds like you are two guys in a relationship but who are just co-habitating. Is he your lover or is he your boyfriend?


edit.. I am a single man who has 3 failed long-term relationships so I really don't know what I am talking about.

I do agree with you. It is very odd that gay men in longterm relationships keep up with the mentality of "This is mine. This is yours." In most heterosexual marriages, things are thought of us "ours." This is mine, this is yours gives the idea that it isn't a permanent situation and someday each will be taking their things with them somewhere else. As we are winning the battle for marriage equality, we had better change or thinking because to get out of a marriage, a court is not going to treat our marriages differently in terms of property division than they do a marriage of two heterosexuals.

But, in this situation here, they are both working and in heterosexual relationships if both are working it is expected that the money from both will be contributed to the household.

OP, since your boyfriend has a job and should have money to contribute, before you can figure out what to do about this situation, you need to be a detective and figure exactly what the situation is. Is there some debt or situation that money is going to that you do not know about? Is money being held onto for some reason, expecting that it is going to soon be needed for something? When you figure out the reason, it will be easier to know what to do.

[Uneunsae]

I think the idea of combining everything you own in a relationship is a stereotype and perhaps cultural. None of my Asian exes and I ever did this and I probably wouldn't do it in the future, either. Sure there can be a common account to pay bills and everything, and a general feeling of sharing, but some people have some expectation that everything should become "ours" which is very stifling and suffocating to me. I tried dating one Hispanic guy that freaked out because I don't think that couple should have to sleep in the same bed. He immediately asked me, "What kind of relationship do you want with me?" which left me incredibly puzzled. In many parts of the world, couples don't sleep together or combine 100% of their lives with each other. Couples are made of two individual people who shouldn't lose themselves in the "couple". I could never be comfortable in that kind of arrangement.

Again, maybe this is a cultural thing that I'm noticing.

My point is, there is no "right" or "wrong" way and I don't think it's strange if a couple doesn't share everything.

[showme]

I think the idea of combining everything you own in a relationship is a stereotype and perhaps cultural. None of my Asian exes and I ever did this and I probably wouldn't do it in the future, either. Sure there can be a common account to pay bills and everything, and a general feeling of sharing, but some people have some expectation that everything should become "ours" which is very stifling and suffocating to me. I tried dating one Hispanic guy that freaked out because I don't think that couple should have to sleep in the same bed. He immediately asked me, "What kind of relationship do you want with me?" which left me incredibly puzzled. In many parts of the world, couples don't sleep together or combine 100% of their lives with each other. Couples are made of two individual people who shouldn't lose themselves in the "couple". I could never be comfortable in that kind of arrangement.

Again, maybe this is a cultural thing that I'm noticing.

My point is, there is no "right" or "wrong" way and I don't think it's strange if a couple doesn't share everything.

That way's fine too, the point is that both parties agree to it. The issue here is that OP's partner unilaterally changed the ground rules a decade in and refuses to even discuss it - so the OP is left on his own deciding whether he's willing to foot all the bills. That's not fair.

[Uneunsae]

I understand that. I guess I was responding to the comments that not sharing everything is somehow wrong in relationships. Sorry I didn't really clarify.

[Iceblink]

I understand that. I guess I was responding to the comments that not sharing everything is somehow wrong in relationships. Sorry I didn't really clarify.

Okay, let me clarify. Your personal items- clothing, shoes, jewelry, collectibles, hobbies, those kind of things are thought of as "mine," and there is still money for each to make their own decisions. The home a couple lives in, the furniture, the appliances, the household items, and often automobiles, those kind of things in a relationship are usually thought of as "ours." The idea of a couple living together for years and one saying "you're living in my house," does not really bring to mind the idea of a "home."

[Uneunsae]

I guess I don't see it that way, especially if the house we lived in was paid for by my partner. It wouldn't make it any less "home" for me whatsoever.

Sorry I derailed the OP.