Why do I feel this way?

[lobishomen]

So, I posted last week that I had a friend who confused me because he sends mixed signals. I'm just out of a relationship, I care about him but don't want anything to start up again so soon. He's also way more attractive than me so I can't fathom why he's even involved with me in the capacity we are. He doesn't say outright one way or another if he's genuinely interested, but texts me frequently, spends the night about once a week and he gets to indulge threesome fantasies with me. Since we're close and he's never had much chance to do that sort of thing and neither of us is seeing anyone exactly, I think it's cool (in fact, he said he preferred when we host at my place because he's more comfortable because they're on "our turf; in our territory" in reference to my apartment).

But he also gets a little jealous when I hang out with other guys (although we're not actually dating, we have this no hookup without the other person agreement) but covers it by joking about it. He sometimes denigrates me for things that happened in the past (see Confused About A Friend) and he talks about other guys he's attracted to. He is all the time on Grindr, though he has told me that he does it just to kill time. He talks about how there are no guys worth marrying, but then talks about how wonderful some guy is in almost the next breath. He never says anything truly direct about his emotions toward me, but has said "why can I feel you smiling" via text one time when he bought me something. He hangs out with his "group" of friends which includes no shortage of gay guys that, to my knowledge he's never fooled around with, but never invites me to join the group (I'm ok with this since, aside from one or two of them, I don't think I'd get along with them much).

The real problem comes from the fact that I have feelings for him. I don't want to have feelings for him. I don't think he reciprocates those feelings, first and foremost. But secondly, I'm not ready to have feelings for someone. I'd much rather we just have a happy FWB kind of relationship, laugh, flirt, have fun and when one of us meets somebody, we call it just a friendship. With my feelings for him, though, I know I would feel hurt and upset if he started seeing somebody, although I'm as loyal as an old hound dog (and almost as smart), so I'd always be there for him. I also wonder if I'm not his dirty little secret or something.

Why do I feel this way when it seems pretty clear that he doesn't share those feelings?

Does anyone think he cares for me and is just hiding it?

How do I stop caring so deeply about him so I won't get hurt when he finds somebody to date?

[ChadCoxRox]

Your poll is invalid because more than one of the choices have pieces of the actual truth possibilities. So I'll bypass that and simply say, he cares...for what he gets...and your last question is impossible because your feelings are irrational. I'm being blunt because I'm in a rush but I saw "0" replies and thought you deserve some feedback before I retire for the evening.

It's okay to care deeply even though part of you is clear about the likely chance he's after what he wants, getting it and may easily shift to the next "thing" he wants as it comes up. Most all people are capable of both your feelings and his apparent propensities. The only way to minimize your own potential suffering is to see the rational versus the irrational without letting fear or shame stop you.

You likely will need to make this distinction with more objective help than by yourself. So I suggest you sort it out in more detail here on GS. I hope you'll find comfort in healthy ways.

[HIkerSkier]

You're confused? We are confused. Your profile says almost nothing about you. Are you very young, like 20? You are in some sort of dating relationship where you have sex and emotions for each other, and you agree not to have sex with other guys unless it's a 3-way with you two. You have feelings for him, and you think he does not reciprocate (yet he gets jealous). Sounds like a reality TV show. People get the relationships they negotiate. Like you said, it sounds like you two are not on the same wavelength. If you don't want to be hurt when he leaves you for someone more permanent, you'll have to stop sleeping with him. You want a FWB relationship, but you also want more from him because you want him/love him/ are infatuated with/ him (which is more than a FWB relationship includes). So talk to him and let him know your desires -that you want him. It sounds like you anticipate his answer - he won't want you in that way. Or just prepare to be hurt when he breaks things off suddenly.

[Bowyn Aerrow]

You two need to sit down and talk and put all the cards on the table.

YOU need to tell him what you are feeling, and ask him WHY he is attracted to your less than attractive to him self... And why he gets jealous even though 'we ain't married' and all of those other questions you are trying to get answers for from any source other than the one who is the most important and is the only one that really knows.

Clearly you are not cut out for casual sex. So stop it.

[TwisttheLeaf]

Bowyn Aerrow may be blunt, but he's not wrong here. You really need to have some serious hear to heart, straight and direct communication on all this with the guy in question.

And not screw casually if you can't manage the emotional detachment that needs to go along with it.

[EvenOlderButWiser]

Seems to me that you both have feelings for each other that extend beyond POF (plain old friendship) but both of you are avoiding the the discussion.

You do need to be wary, to some degree, of jumping into a new relationship so quickly after a relationship has failed, but then again, if you fall off a horse you should get right back on

BA has summed it up nicely

ObW
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