Sunday bash-wake for Joan anyone?

[ChadCoxRox]

This is what I found about it...

Excerpted from http://7online.com/health/private-memori...ay/294407/

The funeral will be private, despite Rivers once famously saying she wanted to go out with a "showbiz affair."

"I want my funeral to be a huge showbiz affair with lights, cameras, action," she said. "I want Craft services, I want paparazzi and I want publicists making a scene. I want it to be Hollywood all the way. I don't want some rabbi rambling on; I want Meryl Street crying, in five different accents. I don't want a eulogy; I want Bobby Vinton to pick up my head and sing "Mr. Lonely." I want to look gorgeous, better dead than I do alive. I want to be buried in a Valentino gown, and I want Harry Winston to make me a toe tag. And I want a wind machine so that even in the casket my hair is blowing just like Beyonce's."

I imagine there will be a public memorial to celebrate separate from the private funeral.

[LONDONER]

Here are some of Joan's more controversial remarks. I have to admit that the recipients would have to have pretty thick skins not to be upset about them.

http://www.independent.co.uk/news/people...12947.html

[LONDONER]

And here are 20 of her best jokes quoted from The Independent:

1) I like colonic irrigation because sometimes you find old jewellery.

2) My love life is like a piece of Swiss cheese. Most of it's missing, and what's there stinks.

3) All babies look like Renée Zellweger pushed against a glass window.

4) I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

5) I said to my mother-in-law, “My house is your house.” She said, “Get the hell off my property.”

6) Madonna is so hairy. When she lifted her arm, I thought it was Tina Turner in her armpit.

7) I said to my husband, “my boobs have gone, my stomach's gone, say something nice about my legs”. He said, “Blue goes with everything.”

8) I blame my mother for my poor sex life. All she told me was, “The man goes on top and the woman underneath.” For three years, my husband and I slept in bunk beds.

9) Mick Jagger could French-kiss a moose. He has child-bearing lips.

10) Elizabeth Taylor was so fat that whenever she went to London in a red dress, 30 passengers would try to board her.

11) My daughter and I are very close. We speak every single day and I call her every day and I say the same thing, "Pick up, I know you’re there." And she says the same thing back, "How’d you get this new number?

12) I bought a pedigree dog for $300. My friend said, "Give me $300. and I'll shit on your carpet."

13) I wish I had a twin, so I could know what I'd look like without plastic surgery.

14) Joan Collins lies about her age so much we should have her body carbon-dated.

15) When I saw her sex tape, all I could think of were Paris Hilton's poor parents. The shame, the shame of the Hilton family. To have your daughter do a porno film... in a Marriott hotel.

16) My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on.

17) Don't cook. Don't clean. No man will ever make love to a woman because she waxed the?inoleum. "My God, the floor's immaculate! Lie down, you hot bitch."

18) You want to get Cindy Crawford confused? Ask her to spell 'mom' backwards.

19) Style is like herpes: You either have it or you don’t.

20) I once dated a guy so dumb he could not count to 21 unless he was naked

And here's another one:

My first sexual experience was rape. Rape! Luckily he didn't press charges.

[Virge]

Here's the full one hour UNCENSORED comedy roast of Joan from 6 years ago. It contains so many politically incorrect insults that it's amazing it got on the air at all. Watch just past 6:00 minutes for Joan's entrance to see what I mean.





I woke up the guys who stayed over and we had four more come in this morning around 6am to have a wake, pancakes, daquiris and view 2 hours of Joan. A fun time.

[larafan25]

Her entrance at the roast killed me.

"Say something!"

"..."

"okay that's fuckin enough!"

[Virge]

I'm still laughing about "oh look! Brad and Angelina are having a garage sale!"