My BF Deleted My Account

[Adam]

OK so my bf has really pushed it this time. He has this thing about control - well, he doesn't admit it's about control, he calls it "looking out for me". He doesn't want me to participate in online forums, chat, etc. - Two years ago I picked up a stalker in a chat room and it got really unpleasant. But I wasn't very smart at the time about protecting my privacy and gave this person way too much info. When I told him I was going to join this forum because it seemed friendly and interesting and non-threatening, he flat out said No and we had a bit of a discussion and I told him it was my decision, not his. So a couple days after I joined, he just went in and deleted my account. And yeah, I know I'm lazy about using the same passwords for a lot of things, but that's not the point.
We've been together 6 years and are planning to be married in August. I've never in all that time done anything to make him distrust me. He says it has nothing to do with trust, but rather what he calls my "faulty judgment".
I rejoined because I feel like if I don't start asserting myself, the whole control thing is just going to get worse. I want a partner, not a parent - and I want the freedom to make mistakes and learn from them.
IDK, I don't make sense even to myself, I know how I feel but can't really express it. I don't think I'm being unreasonable... he's 7 years older, which I never thought was an issue, but now I'm beginning to wonder.

[sillyboy86]

Welcome back, and this is not a nice thing... I don't know which kind of advice I can give you cause if someone would do something like this to me, like CONTROLLING me... I would go crazy.
I think you need to set some limits in this relationship. He had to know that he's your bf not your boss.
Also you cannot accept something like this from a parent, cause you're an adult, not a kid...

[Wolfpack]

Welcome back and hope you manage to work things out with him, he has to learn to trust your judgement , but at least he cares deeply for you.

[ChadCoxRox]

It's probably fine. The age difference isn't significant. The values and judgment and perception are.
You express yourself perfectly fine you're just struggling to find more in the matter than is really there so you can fully understand your mate's actions.

For the record, his actions are reprehensible and unacceptable, over caring and in his mind quite justifiable. Well, heads up, you're a grown adult! And success in relationships is largely predicated on communication not supervision.

Decide to LOVE and communicate in love first and foremost. And change your damn password!

Encourage him to join just to observe. Tell him he does not have to post once he intros and he can post anonymously too. There really is no excuse not to entertain the idea unless he is simply unable to be reasonable. If that is the case GOOD LUCK!

Keep us posted!!!!!

[Iceblink]

Welcome back. I made a comment in your original intro thread about you leaving. Perhaps your boyfriend is jealous? Some people have this idea that the only reason to be on websites where you talk to other people is for hooking up and dating, although since it seems he has looked here since he deleted your account, he should know that is not true here.

A word of caution about stalking since you had that problem. When it comes to online stalking, most of the time infiltration into your real life can be controlled by controlling how much personal info you give to people online. Addresses, phone numbers, email, social websites that you use to communicate with your real world friends, you should be cautious about sharing this info until you really get to know a person.

[LJay]

Do not marry this person. You are being treated like a child by a control freak.

DTMFA*

*translation at savagelove.com

[Cuddly]

I think it's nuts to ban yourself from every forum out there, just because one crazy person stalked you... Are you sure he deleted your profile? Seems a bit over the top.

[Bookworm]

The fact that he's older than you doesn't give him the right to treat you like a child who can't think/make decisions for himself.
At the end of the day, we don't know the history between you, and I'm trying to decide whether he's just being overly protective or a complete control freak. Either way, I personally wouldn't be able to function for all the alarm bells ringing in my head if it were me in this situation, but it's your relationship in the end and you know him best.

Maybe if he joined the forum himself it would alleviate some of his concerns. This is just a chat forum, not a hook up site (although I know of some members who have met on here and gone on to develop a wonderful life together...) mile:

[TwisttheLeaf]

I rejoined because I feel like if I don't start asserting myself, the whole control thing is just going to get worse. I want a partner, not a parent - and I want the freedom to make mistakes and learn from them.

This makes perfect sense to me. Welcome back to the forums, man.

It sounds like you need to lie down some boundaries. I know that can be hard, especially with someone more dominant and domineering than oneself. But it definitely sounds like it would be a good idea in this case.

[Adam]

Thanks for all the supportive input --- and yes, I'm sure he deleted the account, he admitted it.

DTMFA -- yeah, I know the translation lol, but I haven't quite reached that point...yet. But that being said, I think this seemed so huge because it was something like close to the final straw --- at any rate, he's agreed for us to see a therapist together. He seemed honestly shocked at my reaction. I know he thinks that a trained professional will show me the error of my ways, but I think he may be in for a bit of a surprise.