Homosexual Rules of Attraction

[King]

Hi everyone,

My name is Chris. This is my first post on here. I'm rather new to this scene and still pretty much in the closet. Don't know much about homosexual dating/attraction yet but I know I am attracted to men (as well as women). My question is better suited to bisexual men (because they can more easily relate to what attracts a woman) but really could be answered by anyone who is familiar with the rules of attraction. I am wondering if the rules of attraction are the same for heterosexuals as they are for homosexuals. Below are a couple actions that I know will cause a woman to be unattracted to a man:
- Being too nice to the person (for instance always agreeing with the other person or offering to pay on a first date)
- Showing too much interest in the person (ie returning texts too soon, being the first to text after meeting, always being the first to text when you haven't talked)

Does homosexual attraction work the same way? ie are being too nice/showing too much interest actions that will cause most men to not be attracted to you?

Thanks for your help! I look forward to some discussion.

[Uneunsae]

First rule of attraction: There are no rules. Some men like this kind of affection, some dislike it greatly.

Edit: There is ONE rule. Have self-esteem and confidence.

[TwisttheLeaf]

First rule of attraction: There are no rules. Some men like this kind of affection, some dislike it greatly.

Edit: There is ONE rule. Have self-esteem and confidence.

^^^

Uneunsae pretty much covers what I was going to say. I would like to add...

Instead of playing games and pandering to what you think chicks (or guys) may or may not like, you'll have a much better success rate at finding something meaningful if you just be yourself.

Games and pandering always show themselves as fake eventually and leave a bad taste in the mouth of those interested in getting to know the real you.

(Not to mention that the rules you stated? Totally haven't applied to ANY of the women -or- men I've flirted and/or dated in my past.)

[Adam]

Rules?? There are rules?? I wish someone had told me that a long time ago lol...
Seriously, the previous posters have laid out the best rule - just be yourself and do what comes naturally.

[CellarDweller]

just be yourself and do what comes naturally.

Absolutely correct.

[ChadCoxRox]

Consideration is a skill learned through trial and error, not just an innate inherited talent. Its practice develops character and appeal, but more importantly, adaptability and compromise. People can sense (see, hear, feel, taste and smell) the quality of a person's consideration to varying degrees. If this is too complex or unworthy of one's time then the potential for significant attraction becomes more about superficiality and less need for consideration beyond the visceral instincts involved in hook ups and fake relations. Yep, that's some deep shit bro.

[MikeW]

Everyone says "be yourself" but it isn't quite that simple. First, to 'be yourself' you have to know who you are. If you are bisexual you need to be clear about that in yourself. If you're gay, you need to be clear about that too.

I think "be yourself" means be honest, both with yourself and the people you're relating to (whether men or women).

As for "rules of attraction", there actually are many although they are going to vary from person to person. It largely depends on what you *want* if you can be honest with yourself about that. Example: Do you just want to hook-up with guys, NSA? Or are you more interested in getting to know the personality, finding a relationship that could become a partnership? What do you want to do (or not do) sexually with these men? Are you a top or a bottom or not interested in anal sex at all?

To "be yourself" you need to have some idea what your truth is around these things.

Most (not all) gay men are superficially attracted to how you look. IOW, they tend to be visual and appearances matter a lot.

The first way to think about this is just observe yourself as you walk down a crowed street. What men do you find attractive and why? Is it a particular age group, demeanor, physical body type, or what? What is difficult to understand is that out of those men you find attractive only a small fraction are gay or bi and each of them will have their own 'set' of what they find attractive, a 'set' which you may or may not fall into.

So the real question is, "what are the rules of mutual attraction?" because, obviously, nothing much is going to happen if it isn't mutual. This is why knowing your own preferences is so important. But it gets even more complicated. How do you *know* a) whether or not someone you find attractive is gay; b) whether or not he finds you attractive; c) whether or not you want the same things… and so on.

I would say the biggest obstacle to "being yourself" is that most people aren't honest with themselves to begin with. Seriously, if you just want to hook up with guys, although it is still somewhat complicated, it is far easier to find that, especially if your attraction 'set' is fairly loose or broad. Some guys will go for anything with a dick. But *most* (not all) are going to look at you and either see 'hot' or 'not'. It is very superficial and often becomes a sort of 'mutual objectification' for the sexual fantasy to play itself out. Slam, bam, thank you man, bye bye, NSA.

That's all well and good but chances are it isn't going to be enough for very long. Once the inner slut gets his fill of the candy store, he hungers for something more. This is when "being yourself" really begins to matter. Now if the self you're being has no integrity, no depth, nothing beyond superficial attraction, you're going to strike out no matter what you 'look' like.

So, its not true there are no rules. There are. Figuring out what they are begins with finding your own 'set' of rules and, working from there, finding out what the 'rules' are for your prospects. Dishonesty will get you dishonesty. That can be fine as long as you're in the realm of NSA sexual fantasy (they may not even want to talk to you or even know your name!). But dating rather than just hooking up is different. Now who you are matters.

Hope this helps.

[MikeW]

BTW, your poll question is a bit different than 'rules of attraction'. The word "excessive" in it suggests a rule set of your own. IOW, *of course* excessive interest can cause someone to 'run away'; it implies interest that is unbalanced (not equally mutual).

There is a whole realm of inquiry here worthy of looking into: Why do we find some people interesting and not others? What are appropriate ways of expressing that interest? What happens if the interest isn't mutual? What happens when it is? What causes interest to be sustained through time? Or, alternately, what causes interest to wane?

You're going to find, too, that some guys want a lot of attention. Other guys are the opposite and many are somewhere in the middle. It's all sort of like Goldilocks and The Three Bears.

The only way to work it all out is through communication--which is *not* a one way street, btw. Learning to express what is going on in yourself *and* be open to actually hearing (listening to and empathizing with) what is going on in another guy, is THE big issue so far as relationships are concerned. But, again, reiterating what I said above, it begins with knowing yourself. If you can't be honest with yourself about who you are, your own feelings, your own hopes, wishes, fears, desires, and so on, chances are you're not going to be able to express them honestly with anyone else. Same for whoever you're relating to.

[JimmyEcho]

Guys are a lot easier to pick up than straight women who play hard to get.
As for texting back , and calling right away. The same rules apply, like being clingy, it's not pretty. However some might like that.

I also have to agree with Uneunsae.

[Bowyn Aerrow]

For every needy person in the world, there is someone who is needed.

IF you're needy, then cop to it and seek out someone who needs you to be needy.

If you need a needy person, then admit and find a needy person.


If you are hiding some part of you trying to get a guy, then you are lying to them about the goods you are selling. And eventually the day will come when the real you slips out and then there comes the confusion, the 'why did he change?' and all of these other things that usually end relationships.

These rules that people apply to dating are all attempts to make everyone sell a bill of goods which ain't what they have to offer.

No matter the sexual orientation, humans seem to be hell bent on lying their asses off in order to get someone that they think they want, but not someone who can actually be the best mate for them.

It is just plain wrong to resort to playing games in order to trick people into relationships. Ultimately who ever you are will will get to see the real you, for all of your faults and good traits. If they can't accept your faults from the start, they ain't going to change in that accept those later.