Controlling Guys!

[Bowyn Aerrow]

"When I was younger, I figured that dating another guy would be easier than dating a woman."

Surprise! - dating in general regardless of gender, sexual orientation, race, age, and I believe species is a difficult process which requires a lot of sorting and getting to know not only how the species of your choice thinks and acts, but getting to know the most scariest part of that relationship equation. Self.

Foolish thought? No, one that is highly naive, but given that you are are 22 talking about when you "were younger" that naivety is suppose to be there. Children know very little about a lot of stuff and learn through the process of experience.


And yes, the young 20 something crowd are not actually seeking to settle down and start off on a long term relationship and all of that. Young men are guided by their heads - not the ones on the shoulders, and young testicles being the producers of sorts of interesting chemicals that can really run havoc on the logic centers of the human brain, sex and pretty much nothing but sex is the thing that men your age are worried about, thinking about, seeking, wanting, etc.

This isn't to say there are not young men out there who desire and are seeking a mate for more than just a roll in the hay. They do exist, however not in the large numbers that would make that whole dating thing far, far easier than it is.


Controlling:

Frankly I see little about your plight here with this particular fella that says controlling. And I think you should give up your career in the mental health industry because clearly you do not know what bi-polar is, or you would not have pulled that diagnosis out of your hat.

Who I was with, who the guy on Facebook is, why is he commenting on my pictures.

I would wager that you have a minor myth-understanding of what controlling is if these are the best examples that leap to mind of a controlling person.

Asking questions and getting to know who you hang with, what these people are to you gives any potential mate a better understanding of YOU.

The opposite of love is not hatred. No. Indifference is the opposite. Indifference means a person doesn't care. If they didn't care they wouldn't ask questions. Thus asking questions is a symptom or sign that a person cares thus potentially loves.

A real controlling person is the one who either directly tells you he forbids you X or through manipulation and coercion causes you to do what s/he wants. They set limits and makes laws, they will through any means insure that you do their will, meet their time schedule.

I am my own person. No one needs to know everything I do.

That ain't going to work out well for you in the long run.

Yes actually your partner should know just about everything there is to know about you and know what it is you plan to do with all of those bodies you have been stealing from the cemetery... Or whatever your horror story is.

Being part of an 'us' is not about being 'my own person' it is about being part of 'us' 'we'. My stuff becomes 'ours'. We share the burdens and risks, we have a confidant and a person we can take all of our troubles to and know that we ain't facing this world by our self.

There is no "I" in team - and a realtionship is the ultimate team sport.

Since you want to be your own person then I strongly suggest you give up the notion of having a relationship. Most humans who enter into a relationship with a person are not going to be happy if you isolate yourself and constantly remind them that they are there for your amusement and that you don't need them because you are your own person.

Coincidentally... Most people who place such an emphasis on being their "own person" usually tend to display those characteristics of a controlling person. The Drive to maintain perfect control over ones own life and to be separate necessitates control over ones partner thereby insuring that one remains their own person.

Of course with the years of psychology or psychiatry that leaves you with the ability to diagnoses the disorders of others, you already know this.

[Uneunsae]

^^ I agree whole-heartedly with this and cannot fathom why the behaviour of the OP's boyfriend is considered "controlling" by so many.

[Virge]

Believe it or not, I'm laughing about this for a lot of reasons but not important, except one. In 6 month my BF will have his PhD in psychology and if he read all this he's throw up his hands and shut off the computer....

Uneunsae hit on something that needs to be repeated and repeated until everyone gets it in their head...

""Online interactions are missing so many cues and it is by nature a bit secretive even if it's not intended that way. Also, boundaries seem to get blurred online. People are more aggressive, flirt more, and generally go past boundaries they would not in RL. This is one reason I stay out of social media.""

THIS IS THE REASON ME AND MY BF HAVE BEEN OUT OF SOCIAL MEDIA FOR ALMOST FOUR YEARS.

Now... let's talk about control in relationships. from my perspective which is limited cuz I'm in my very first and hopefully only relationship I will ever be in.

The short version is I don't give a damned about anything he does that seems like control over my life or our life as a TEAM.

When he was here in May and we started talking about him FINALLY moving here and living with me... He started in about things that were going to have to be changed about MY house. As soon as he opened his mouth about it all I said was , "I don't give a shit! Tell me what I need to do to help."

Most guys would have tried to argue about something like that... It's not control... It's EGO... and it screws up "the big picture" when it starts getting involved. He told me the 9 ft long wet bar I built with old wood to make it look like an old cowboy bar had to go... "Fine! Send me pictures of what you want and I'll build it before you get here!" That damned bar meant a lot to me and I've been real proud of it... but my EGO isn't going to get involved over that crap when it come to making my guy as happy as I can AND make him feel like this is his home too. I'm building a new bar from pics he sent. My friends are freaking out and acting like I should be upset.... "I don't give a shit about that type stuff!"

He cleaned out my closet and got rid of old shirts I loved. I didn't even get the east bit upset about it cuz I knew why he was doing it. He likes me when I'm dressed up to look nice and it makes him feel good to pick out clothes for me. "I don't give a shit!"

In fact I LOVE him feeling he has to take care of me, protect me and even keep up with my spending. (Imagine HIM protecting me! He's 5"9" 150 and I'm 6'5" 185 with guns and 14 years of martial arts experince!!!) But he has this big big big need to be protective and... "I don't give a shit!"

To be honest... It's one hell of a turn on!!!!!!!!!!!! Just writing about it has gotten me horned up! If he was here now I'd be throwing him down and doing something about it!

[Uneunsae]

Thank you for emphasizing that point I made. People have gone so far off the deep end with social media, that my way of thinking is the minority and people try to convince me that I'm insane. Well, I know I'm not.

[Virge]

To be honest, when I read what you wrote I wanted to hug your neck for FINALLY saying it and doing a Great job at it!

Anyone trying to make a social media relationship work is wasting their time. Anyone trying to make a LTR work relying on social media is crazy. Jay and I are 16 time zones apart and have private one on one time 3 times a day via cam. We blog together on a PRIVATE blog. We use the internet as a tool for our relationship with each other, not for the frackin' universe. That's how we've made it work so far and so well. If he wants to check what I've been doing on line he doesn't have to ask, he knows the passwords and I know all of his.

I've had 3 serious answers in a row and I'm going to hunt up some fun crap to get me over all this!

[HumbleTangerine]

Haha yeah! Some gay guys are like "I'm glad I can date guys - less drama and less problems that way" and I'm like "Oh, sweetie..."

They have no idea what they're getting themselves into. As it turns out, men can be just as dramatic as women.

[matty7]

just to reply to Malek , no one should give up control to another ... to me that's abuse - not a relationship , dump him is the only way - then find a nice sexy open guy