Controlling Guys!

[Malec]

Okay, so I'm just ranting right now. I love being gay. It's awesome, but dating guys is fucking complicated. When I was younger, I figured that dating another guy would be easier than dating a woman. I was foolish wasn't I? LOL now trying to date, most men either want sex and only sex or they are so complicated I never know what they want! I swear I'm going to become a nun! (not really though) It's been a while since I had an actual relationship so I figured I'd try again. NOPE! This last guy had to have been bi-polar or just crazy! We started talking slowly than hanging out, after a while, it seems like nothing I did was good. We weren't even technically dating and he was constantly wanting to control everything I did. Who I was with, who the guy on Facebook is, why is he commenting on my pictures. Now I don't play that chiz. I am my own person. No one needs to know everything I do. Guy needed to back up. He'd apologize and say he'd calm it down, but than he'd start up again. So I dropped him.

What would you have done? Do you like to be controlled in a relationship or at all?

[Adam]

When I first met my BF, I was 19 and he was 25 - and I saw his controlling/protective nature as a proof of his love. Now, 6 years later and 2 months before our planned wedding, we're in therapy trying to achieve a workable balance. The therapist has made it clear that we're equally responsible for our present conflict.
I think your instincts were good - you seem pretty clear on what you do and don't want in a relationship.
I think I could have saved my BF and I a lot of stress by negotiating this at the beginning.

[Uneunsae]

Okay, take this as my opinion because that's all it is - my opinion.

I hear so many guys complaining about controlling partners, etc especially when it comes to things like Facebook and such. Well, it's pretty normal in a relationship for a partner to be curious about your activites online, who is interacting with you, and what the intent is. It really doesn't mean he doesn't trust you. I know you might say, "If he trusted me, then I could do anything and he wouldn't worry!" but even though people like to say that, it's not completely true. Yes, generally partners should trust one another. However, the online world is a little different. I don't have Facebook and even if I did, I wouldn't "Friend" my partner. In RL, you aren't with your partner 24/7 and don't see every interaction he has with other people. When you are together, it's very easy to tell in RL what people's intentions are, their subtle nuances are, and see how harmless everything is (usually). Online interactions are missing so many cues and it is by nature a bit secretive even if it's not intended that way. Also, boundaries seem to get blurred online. People are more aggressive, flirt more, and generally go past boundaries they would not in RL. This is one reason I stay out of social media.

It's so easy to mis-interpret things online. Even I have a hard time telling what people are saying to ME, let alone an interaction with someone else.

Keep in mind, that in human history of relationships, this "online" element is extremely new. It makes a lot of people really nervous. So I think it's a dialogue every couple should have. If you are a person who has an online presence, you need to make it clear in the beginning (you know, when couples are talking about all the other dos and don'ts in a relationship). It has to be a boundary you set like any other.

I don't think guys who dislike online socialization are controlling necessarily, unless they are telling you to delete your account (especially if they have one themselves!), but they are just very nervous. I don't think people know how to deal with this quite yet. I know that I have had 2 partners cheat on me with people online. I myself don't hang around much online (except on GS because I am house bound mostly nowdays) and probably would do best with a partner with a similar lifestyle as my own. But I've done enough introspection to know this about myself and would NEVER date someone and then tell them what to do!

I've also noticed several friends who claim their interaction on FB is minimal and harmless, but it's really quite the opposite. It kind of goes with the weak boundaries issue I mentioned above.

OP, if this is something that makes you unhappy, then I'd make it clear in the beginning of a relationship that your social media is private and your partner should respect that. Yes, your partner should have respected it anyways, but I think he could have been trying but his insecurity got the better of him. I'm sorry for that.

[East]

What would you have done? Do you like to be controlled in a relationship or at all?

Control is a term that is widely used but I am not sure the definition is widely understood....or maybe there are different types and levels of control....

I see the guy described in the OP as domineering and pushy. The controlling guy I was with prior to my current relationship did none of those things...he looked like an angel on the outside while I was the volatile one...it was part of his game...and he played it well.....

He isolated me from all of my friends the best he could and he daily took me apart..I hid my insecurities from everyone else but he knew what they were and pretty much kept me a prisoner of them. He enjoyed inflicting mental and emotional abuse...it excited him. I had a weak spot in me as my father was like that which is the reason I let it happen in retrospect.....

I thought of myself as a capable and smart guy but I fell into it and couldn't figure out how to get out. I kept trying to stand up to him and assert myself and it was a slow process ...eventually almost succeeded and then he did something really bad to me...I won't go into it but let's just say it was very public and his ultimate effort to try to control me...it pissed him off that I had managed to get out from under his thumb...

...and just when everyone was rallying around me to give me their sympathy I wanted to barf because I knew it took me allowing it to get to this point and I knew if I accepted the role as a victim from my well meaning friends I would forever be one...his. So...I owned it and took 1/2 the responsibility for the entire situation as I knew exactly who he was all along and rejected plenty of nice guys to be with him.

Best thing I ever did. I didn't have to repeat the process...instead I freed myself from what could have been a nasty cycle.

That's my experience in a nutshell so it all depends ....what I would have done in your place...what part of my life I was at.

I eventually did let someone else "drive"....consciously...and that kind of control healed me as I had a hard time trusting men or being intimate with a man...and thanks to him I don't have that problem any longer....

[supasyd]

This is so true it actually hurts....the one thing that sucks about being gay is that there are WAY more controlling men than women (at least that how it seems). I seem to have a knack for being attracted to them too....People say i'm a sucker for a bad boy but I don't do it on purpose!! Totally feeling this thread......

Anyone else have trouble relating to men too? Personality wise i've always been more feminine and all my friends are women, and so this is a massive obstacle for me, and i also feel like being straight is easier because of reasons stated in this thread (sex-pests, controlling, etc)....(even though i'm submissive in nature when guys take advantage of it it is never a good thing)

@Malec you did the right thing dropping him...it takes a lot of guts sometimes. I have been stringed before and never learn!!

[Bluelight]

I've never had a problem with being controlled, I had a brief "relationship" (let's call it that) but that was mostly sex with some cuddling thrown in.

Honestly, dating as a gay man can be really tough; you see all your options, you try all of them (usually only one or two people depending on where you are) and then you realize that they really don't fit you all that well, and then people tell you you're being picky... What?! Excuse you! lol

But yeah, I'll be the first to feel dissatisfied about my love-life (or the lack there of haha) but I believe that love always finds a way and that if I'm meant to be with anyone it'll happen, and if I'm destined to die alone, well I can't say I'd be really pleased about that but it must serve some purpose.

[TwisttheLeaf]

Your ex doesn't sound bipolar at all. He sounds like he has BPD (borderline personality disorder).
And yes. BPD can put someone in a relationship with the person on one hell of ride.

That said? Sometimes when you start a relationship, especially with someone who has a very strong personality or is controlling, you have to establish your boundaries from the start.

This doesn't mean you tell them "you have no business wanting to know what I'm doing online". As Uneunsae has said, when in a committed relationship it's not unusual for a partner to want to watch out for their interests by being informed on online activities, etc. This is the same whether the person is controlling or not, and whether the relationship is straight or gay.

That said. Boundaries..... reasonable boundaries are important. They need to be established as a relationship develops and it can create some rocky moments. But that's a part of new relationships.

[Borg69]

I always thought control freaks stemmed from insecurities, and an inability to cope with unknown situations.

[Iceblink]

Some advice to people in this modern age, stop friending on Facebook the people you are just starting to date because this is the second time this has come up here in the last couple days. In the beginning of a relationship, you really need privacy and time away from that person and Facebook makes that difficult. He sees where you've checked in, he sees when someone tags you, he sees every status update, he sees every picture you post. He sees your friends and family. Someone you have just gone on a couple dates with should not see that much of your life right away. If there is anyone you should not friend right away on Facebook, this is it.

[GuyOverThere]

We started talking slowly than hanging out, after a while, it seems like nothing I did was good. We weren't even technically dating and he was constantly wanting to control everything I did. Who I was with, who the guy on Facebook is, why is he commenting on my pictures. Now I don't play that chiz. I am my own person. No one needs to know everything I do. Guy needed to back up. He'd apologize and say he'd calm it down, but than he'd start up again. So I dropped him.

What would you have done? Do you like to be controlled in a relationship or at all?

That's horrible! You have to ask yourself - if the guy was this bad now, what would he be like in a year (had you have entertained the thought of a relationship to begin with)?

I've never been in a controlling relationship thankfully.