Abusive relationship...?

[Anocxu]

There is some truth here ^^^, and I agree with aspects of this.

While I don't think you (the OP) should have to walk on egg shells around him and let him get his own way on everything, there does seem to be a certain amount of "Cause and Affect" going on.

They have evolved to a bad combination.

I believe the boyfriend is extremely reserved emotionally and the Op desperately needs him to open up..and has no clue how to proceed.

Here are the telling signs of the boyfriend's character.

1) Whenever he feels disrespected. ..he leaves. .. (Rational)

2) Initially the boyfriend froze after being confronted by Ender.

Now what would make the love of your life freeze in his tracks?

I say being extremely surprised..
Surprised at Ender's choice of words or reaction to a situation.

3) Grabbing his hands and screaming in his face.., out of anger?... that was a major boundary violation.


I believe Ender was the original hot head in this relationship. ..

I believe his boyfriend has developed misguided violent reactions to cope...

I see Ender's way with words.. smooth... exacting...

Just Imagine if they were "sharpened".

Ender is exactly one half of a violent duo.
One uses provocation
The other has learned to use his fist.

[LJay]

There is a great deal of very good thinking above. It will take me quite a while to sort.

The one thing that does seem obvious to me is that the two should separate immediately. Because of the possibility of violence from either side, the OP needs to get help and have a third party or parties there in order for the separation to be accomplished. I would contact social services and/or the police for help.

OP, you should not worry that your partner will not b able to support himself. He will manage. When given no choice but to do so, he will learn very quickly. In any case, it is for his good as well as your own that you should separate.

Yes, therapy is a good idea for both of you, but you must take care of yourself first.

There is manipulation on both sides of this fence. let the therapist help you deal with it.

Good luck.

[Ender]

I see Ender's way with words.. smooth... exacting...

Just Imagine if they were "sharpened".

Ender is exactly one half of a violent duo.
One uses provocation
The other has learned to use his fist.

I feel like this should offend me, but it doesn't. I guess because it's true. I have no excuse for what I've said to him before, or the way in which I spoke to him, in order to get what I want. I guess I was never used to conflict in relationships before him, and didn't know how to deal with it, or how to deal with simple, often trivial, disagreements. I know I need to improve on this.

In any case, it is for his good as well as your own that you should separate.

Yes, therapy is a good idea for both of you, but you must take care of yourself first.

There is manipulation on both sides of this fence. let the therapist help you deal with it.

Thanks LJay, I believe you are right. It might be the only way... and that he will eventually get better. I just wish I could have been better from the get go and maybe avoided this whole thing. Like I mentioned, I was never like this in previous relationships, but, something about this one changed me somehow. In the beginning of the relationship I think I was really hurt from my previous one and was so afraid of losing him... that I made a lot of mistakes... and then eventually things became how they are.

In the future, and from now on, I will try very hard to stay calm and think carefully about what I say before I say it. I just wish I learned this in a previous relationship and not with him.

[Bowyn Aerrow]

Thanks Bowyn and Stevie for the information and suggestions. It means a lot to me.

I will start gathering more info and probably making some calls tomorrow. I think my best bet is to first find a therapist myself. Maybe when he sees that I am going he will get more incentive himself to find help. I will try to impress on him the importance of seeing somebody and see if he can find a way to be able to afford it. There is a bit of hope that he might get a different job soon with medical benefits so there's that possibility, too...

I have always wondered if maybe he was suffering from PTSD, or some other sort of personality disorder. It would explain a lot of things. But I too don't want to jump to any conclusion without him getting first diagnosed.

Since I also agree it may be inevitable that I have to break it off, I'll start preparing myself for that route as well.

Yes, if he knows you are going to therapy this might make him feel less singled out.

And too your therapist may actually have a list of resources and idea on how to assist your partner. you can give a lot more data to a therapist than what you could (or should) put on a public forum.