feeling of guilt

[BlueStar]

So here’s long story.

I met a guy 3 years ago at school and we quickly became best friends, we trusted each other completely and never lied or kept secrets from each other. The year after he had to move from our private school to a public one because of lack of money. So we barely met but kept in contact and chatted every day for hours, comforting each other as we were both struggling with our lives.

I started having a crush on him, and it slowly grew over time. When next summer started, we started seeing each other more and more often, hanging out in all places we know. My crush on him became more explicit, even saying “I love you” reciprocally, but he seemed having no problem with. I thought he didn't notice my feelings for him.

Then I confirmed he was totally straight, seeing photos of all girls he was dating. Even during school period I kept coming to his because he had transportation problems, but I felt hopeless.

However trying to silence my feelings, I obviously became obsessed with him since last summer. I loved everything about him, admiring him in everything he does, he was my idol. Yet I was jealous of him, he had much more friends than I did and had a more loving family. He was very talented too. My favorite thing about him was his body; he was very muscled and worked out at gym every day. I once imagined being his sex slave, I adored him... he meant everything to me, but I felt I was nothing to him.

And so, every time I saw him I felt strongly aroused, but when I finally knew he was gay-friendly, I told him the truth. He said he already knew I was gay and didn't want to hurt me, because of how I react around him. I felt a bit relieved, knowing that I wouldn't have to lose his friendship.

But still, I couldn't handle my annoying feelings without doing something about it. I felt depressed, he knew I completely fell in love with him and advised me to try curing myself by seeing a therapist. I told him being gay isn't a mental disorder, but deep inside myself I knew that being obsessed with him was. I didn't want to be cured, but I was becoming crazy and unconscious of my thoughts about my best friend. At a time I even became addicted to him.

3 months ago I was feeling weak, depressed and lonely. I tried to become independent of my best friend, but I failed every time I saw him. I desperately tried to making him gay because I couldn't find any gay guys around me. I knew something went wrong in my mind, but last time I saw him 11 weeks ago I swore to myself it would be the last. Since we used to talk about masturbation and size, I had kept trying to convince him to show off ours and compete, he refused. He’s religious. When I saw him napping wearing soft pants, I touched his and played with it, then he suddenly woke up and started beating me, saying I didn't respect our friendship and I ruined it for a simple erotic desire. He kicked me out of the house.

The same night, I sat alone in my room and cut myself. By flooding my blood, I was released from all horrible emotions I had had since I met him. I broke in tears, but comforted myself for I have freed myself from addiction to somebody. I came back to normal life, searching for other gay guys.

However I can’t stop thinking about what I've done the other day. No matter how hard it was for me being beaten up by my best friend, I still feel guilty because he said he’ll never forgive me. We never talked since. Hopefully he revealed none of my secrets to my family including being gay, since I’m still in the closet.

Did I hurt him so deeply? How can I get over this feeling of guilt that consumes me every day and night?

Sorry for the long story, but it’s so hard keeping it for myself…

[Adam]

First of all, cutting is not the solution to anything. The way you talked about it --- as though it was a cure --- scares me a bit. Cutting can become addictive, and it's not a healthy way to release emotions. And I've never known anyone who cut just once --- you really need to get a handle on it before it destroys your life.
As for the situation with your friend. On some level, he obviously enjoyed your obsession with him and got off on the control it gave him. A real friend would have told you in no uncertain terms that he was straight, had absolutely no interest in a gay relationship, and that if you couldn't control your feelings then the 2 of you shouldn't spend time together. That sort of attraction doesn't exist in a vacuum, and some guys are really good at giving you just enough to keep you hanging on while never intending any involvement - it's an ego thing.
And no, feeling him up while he was sleeping was not the best idea you've ever had lol - but his reaction of shocked indignation really doesn't play. He was playing a game and it got out of hand.

You're taking full responsibility here, but he bears some blame too. And as hard as it is, you need to forget him and move on.
And please, if you can't handle the cutting on your own, get help with it from someone that you trust.

[Iceblink]

Falling in love, or at least thinking you have, with a straight best friend, is a very common predicament for gay men, especially young gay men your age. This could be why you haven't seen any replies to your thread, many here may have started reading this and thought they already seen this this thread and moved on. There is even another thread here on this same subject. Part of the problem is for someone your age, your world and who you meet is currently quite limited. You meet people at school, in your neighborhood, the sons and daughters of your parent's friends. You do not yet have that independence to go out and meet people on your own. I don't want to take away those romantic ideas you might have, but a lot of this is your hormones, fantasies, and your desire speaking and you are reacting to it because he is closest man to you that is around your age. At your age, your hormones are running out of control, but you've got to control them. You cannot make a man who is heterosexual desire you in that way. You are not that far away from the age where your social world can be a whole lot larger, so be patient.
Another thing, and I hate to be tough on you because you are through such a hard time with this, but touching him in the way you did is very inappropriate. You cannot do that. Anyone that does not want that type of intimacy, you not touch that way. You cannot not do that with a straight man, a woman, and you cannot even do that with another gay man. I do not want to be mean, but I do not blame your friend for ending the friendship. I would have done the same thing. I'm going to say it again, you cannot touch people that way when it is not consensual!

One last thing, do not cut yourself. That is not healthy, emotionally or physically. If you have those kind of feelings, you might want to seek counseling.

You'll make it through this emotional period, just give it time.

[BlueStar]

I knew it was a shame. Many times I wanted to get as far away from him as possible, like keeping our distance until I can stabilize my whole mind, but each time it happened he followed me and pulled me back. He feared I might do something irrational, with myself or other persons, like cutting myself or someone else. I knew he wanted to protect me from my unconsciousness, I could control my nerves a little bit but couldn't get out of that emotional prison. Then I thought it was my last chance: to let him break our friendship by his will. I hope you can understand why I made that terrible choice, because keeping our friendship until now might have cost a tragedy.

1 more thing: he was so close to tell the world I'm gay and turn my life into more hell, but I trusted he wouldn't do that, & he didn't.

All my thanks

[AlfredM]

Wow.this actually happened to me back when I was younger and a kid,in which,I was you. Did you hurt him deeply? Probably something you could only find out from him himself. To get over your guilt, I sincerely believe that you should talk to him and apologize for your inappropriate advance on him,and tell him how you've been feeling unable to contain yourself from obsessing about him. You do need that time and distance to get over him. So maybe use this chance to get over him first before contacting him again? A friendship like this might never come again,well,it won't be the same since it won't be him,so don't let it go. Oh,and don't hurt yourself like that,look for other safer source of comforting yourself. You could always PM me if you need someone to talk to. Take care buddy.

[Uneunsae]

like cutting myself or someone else.

This needs to be addressed before anything else. You need to be in counseling, ASAP. This isn't something to take lightly.

[BlueStar]

This needs to be addressed before anything else. You need to be in counseling, ASAP. This isn't something to take lightly.

I went to a counselor immediately the next day, it helped me to get out of my thoughts of killing. I'm strangely relaxed ever since, except that guilt...

[MikeW]

I'm not a professional but from what you've said it sounds like you have "boundary issues". As Iceblink said, having erotic feelings for a close friend at your age isn't unusual. It happens and is part of growing up gay. As Uneunsae said, the cutting issue suggests you need to talk with a professional about this. If we grow up in a family that doesn't know about or respect boundaries, we're very likely to not have a clear sense of them for ourselves and others. Everyone has a right to their own personal boundaries. You violated your friend's boundaries and, through cutting yourself, violated your own. Self-harm, self-punishment, feelings of guilt and shame… again, these are not uncommon for young gay guys. Growing up in a world where these kinds of erotic impulses are mostly suppressed, not accepted or understood, pits one against ones self on a fundamental level. The confusion and inner contradictions can show up in all kinds of ways and sooner or latter become serious issues. So, first and foremost, you need to talk with a professional who can help you understand everything that is going on inside you. Just don't beat yourself up about it. We *all* make mistakes! Pretty much all of us have (or will) do things we're ashamed of and/or regret. I certainly have and especially when I was younger and had yet to learn that everyone has a right to their own personal boundaries.

[Borg69]

Hormones and desire/lust are very powerful things... they make us do stupid things that seem like a good idea at the time. Especially when we're young and inexperienced with dealing with them.

Your friend may or may not forgive your human mistake, but you have it within you to learn from it, and hopefully forgive yourself and move on. I've said in another similar thread biology is telling you to be with someone. You need to find someone who wants to be with you in the same way that can return those same feelings and attractions.

[Bowyn Aerrow]

I knew it was a shame. Many times I wanted to get as far away from him as possible, like keeping our distance until I can stabilize my whole mind, but each time it happened he followed me and pulled me back.

Um actually his motivations may not actually be what he lead you to believe.

I have had 'straight' friends who attempted all sort of mind games with me in order to live out their tendencies toward homosexuality in a way where they would not have to take blame for acting on their own desires.

They would state 'Oh I am not gay' and when I pulled away they would do stuff to attempt to get me closer to them.

This is manipulative behavior which rarely ends well and in your case appears to be taking a heavy toll here.

Since he beat the crap out of you, you now have a very, very good reason to put distance between you two and keep it there.

Since you are a cutter I would suspect that you already have sufficient problems with healthy social settings and are unable (not unwilling) to follow many of the rules that society demands.

Furthermore, you live in a nation which has not so tolerant views on homosexuality and you are deeply repressed and are going to have a much harder time finding a real mate.

You have an obsession here, and that obsession is this guy. I don't know if your obsession surrounds him - the real him, or the internal image you have of him. In either case you really need to figure out why it is he has become your obsession and work on ways to mitigate or remove those from your perception of him.

That feeling of guilt you have demonstrates that you have not lost contact with your sanity and you fully understand the difference between right and wrong.

Use it to learn from your mistakes and to keep you from repeating that mistake with him or anyone else for that matter.

Don't use it as a reason to punish yourself over and over again.

I am uncertain of the safety here of telling your therapist the whole story. Most societies have laws about touching another person in a sexual manner without their consent. Most nations have laws where any therapist has to report such situations to the police.

I get your reasoning and can wrap my mind around your motivations. I take into account your age, the nation you live in, the lack of ability to actually deal with your homosexuality in a way that won't end badly for you.

Thus if it helps, I forgive you and I think you should forgive yourself and start the processes of moving on here.