Hello Everyone. I'm kinda here looking for advice, answers or opinions help I don't really know so happy for everyone's input. I'm 25 year old guy, I'm gay, I'm not out to anyone and I have a good career. I have been with my boyfriend for 4 years, he is 33 and is also not out. We both have family's that's really wouldn't approve/agree or whatever with being gay. We both love our family very much and this isn't in question it's just to add a bit of colour to the picture.
My boyfriend and I love each other very much but lately I feel that I'm not 'in love' but just love him and I'm a bit of of loss on what direction to go on. He is the first guy I I have 'really' been with and been in a relationship with so I don't know if this is a normal to feel like this or if I'm feeling like it has come to an end.
Not being out means my social peer group doesn't know about me or him and thus means my 'gay' mates are non existent. I find this hard as it limits who i can talk to about my problems or seek advice from. We don't have any joint friends and don't interact together with our friends it's all very separate. I find it really hard to meet new people straight or gay 1. Because I find it hard anyway and 2. Hiding that fact I'm in a 4 year relationship with a guy I think people know I'm not being honest with them. I find it hard to trust gay guys who are out with my secret and his and you don't really meet guys who are not out for the obvious reasons. When you do you have to kind of lie and then you think shit how will they react if they knew I wasn't being truthful to them.
We have moved in with each other 6 months ago and it's 'nice' but I find myself wanting more and on one hand I feel like I need to go my own way and experience more relationships and on the other I don't know if I feel like I'm lucky to find someone who loves and cares for me.
I feel alone sometimes as we have certain things in common but there are days it's all very serious and we don't laugh or joke. I'm scared that if it is the end and I have 'fun' that I will never find a guy who genuinely cares for me or who I will click with. I see so many gay guys just out to have a good time and they don't really like to settle down and when they do I have seen a lot of guys cheating on their boyfriends and this scares me to as I don't want to get hurt like that.
I want to go out and meet new guys, have a wider like minded social peer group and find a guy who makes me laugh and who I am head over heels for and who feels the same about me too. Is this just me being silly hoping this will happen?
Before I wrote this I thought I would get everything down and anyone who reads this would have a really good picture of me, my boyfriend and our relationship but in hindsight this is just the surface. We have been though a lot, traveled the world and genuinely care for each other. But now the spark has gone we don't laugh or go out together and different things make us happy.
I'm confused so any advice would be cool. Thanks!
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I'll probably come back with a longer reply later, but I wanted to put something out there for you to consider.
Love changes over time. That "first blush" of love? It doesn't last. You've been wit your partner for quite some time, and that 'first blush' is fading.
You need to consider that a new relationship? It too will have that "first blush" period. But it will fade and you'll end up in the same boat again..... and again..... and again..... and again.
Do you want to become someone who essentially runs through serial relationships because that three year or seven year itch starts niggling and dictates your life and decisions?
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To me, it sounds like you just need to try and hang in there a little bit longer. Maybe you two need to do something different from your usual lives. Sometimes when relationships get into ruts similar to this, it's because everything has become routine. You expect the same thing every day for the most part. This might also be why you feel like you want a different relationship (correct me if I'm wrong). The mystery of it all is no longer there.
I truly wish that I had an easier answer for you. Personally, you shouldn't be living a lie. I get not wanting to come out. And if you do, if his and your family can't respect your lifestyle, than you might be better off. Yes, losing family will be very hard, but than on the other hand it will feel like weight has been lifted of your shoulders.
The not being open to others might actually be a strain on your relationship as well. I really hope it works out for you. Not being with the first guy you have strong feelings for is hard. I also understand the fear of being hurt. It's a big flaw of mine as well. If you let this fear control you, it will make your life more difficult.
I know an online friendship is far different from a public friendship, but if you ever want to talk to someone you know where I'll be. You can always PM me. Or I'm sure others will be willing to listen whenever. I hope that what I have said can help you. Or at least makes sense lol. I'm not proofreading this right now. HAHA
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I went through the same thing, in my case the love just faded away between my guy and I, we stayed together because we both wanted to make it work but eventually he cheated and I just parted ways, we chit chat here and there because it is nobodys fault, if the love dies there aint nothing you can do but move forward and hope you find something else that meets the needs the previous didnt meet or that you both gave up on, love takes a lot of fight, but in my case it wasnt enough, so I say explore your freedom, experience new people, dating is full of ups and downs but its fun and its part of life. dont be afraid most people go through this, eventually a guy will come and you both together will keep the flame of love burning by equally putting in the same effort without anybody giving up.
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It sounds to me like the "honeymoon period" is over, but the love and commitment is still there.
Do you spend too much time with your partner? Maybe focus more on your social life for the time being. Take up a new hobby, meet new people, hang out with friends more.
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Have you talked to your partner about the way that you're feeling? If not, then I really think you need to and thee2 of you kind of take stock together and see where the relationship stands.
I've been with my BF for six years, and over that time the nature of our relationship had changed. And yeah, like someone said, the honeymoon is over - but the love is stronger than ever.
Talk to him.
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I will tell you this much, you two are very lucky to have found partners that would put up with your being in closets. That is a near no-go situation for most gay guys.
Love changes with time, it has stages. Go ahead, Google 'Stages of Love'.
The world runs on the fairytale version of love - And they lived happily ever after - apparently deeply, madly, profoundly in a perpetual state of high passion. They didn't, it was a royal mess with lots of ups and downs and if they were fortunate they managed to figure out how to not kill each other through the bad years, and learned how to cherish the good years.
The other aspect here is that you feel you are missing out on something - I don't know, more gay experiences, more attempts at gay relationships whatever by sticking with the guy you have.
I hate to tell you this, but the grass is not greener on the other side of the fence and the situation you find yourself in right now you will end up in again until you get it through your head that love isn't that hot passionate things all the time, that relationships are a lot of work and a few other things.
The notion that we all must be in love with our partner in order to have a good relationship is another one of those terrific lies which have done far more damage to perfectly good relationships than other things like cheating, abuse and other very real problems relationships have.
Consider yourself fortunate that you love him and that he loves you. I fear that that is as good as it gets. That is the pan ultimate to a good relationship.
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"The world runs on the fairytale version of love - And they lived happily ever after - apparently deeply, madly, profoundly in a perpetual state of high passion. They didn't, it was a royal mess with lots of ups and downs and if they were fortunate they managed to figure out how to not kill each other through the bad years, and learned how to cherish the good years." --- quoted from, the above post from Bowyn Aerrow --- (Sorry, I keep screwing up the quote thing apparatus) ---
And may I add a resounding AMEN to that!!!!
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This is a very common situation for young men who get into relationships in their early 20s. Yes, you must talk with your partner about how you are feeling and possibly in the context of a relationship counselor. Not doing so will likely lead to feelings of resentment which, even if both of you remain faithful, can eventually bring about the end of the relationship.
You need to understand that you have choices such as: 1) Staying in the relationship, working together to rekindle the 'spark'. 2) Implementing a 'trial separation' during which time you both may hook-up with, perhaps even 'date', other men. 3) Ending the relationship out-right. 4) Redefining the relationship; for example, remaining emotionally monogamous but allowing for sexual exploration outside the relationship (or even within it).
There may be many other options as well but all options have positives and negatives associated with them. The fundamental question is, how strong is your love, the tie that binds you together? How much can it stretch to encompass not only the needs of both but the reality that people grow and change through time and *need* to? How much are we willing to 'give' or 'compromise' to make something work? What is non-negotiable for us?
There is much more that could be said. The fact that neither of you is out may make all this considerably more difficult.
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Thank you so much for all of your input. I didn't really know what to expect from this, if anything, however some of you have really help put things in perspective.
I didnt want to sound selfish or ungrateful for what i have its just how im feeling right now. I suppose i feel quite alone with some aspects and without any other form of long term relationship to compare it to i found myself at a loss.
I think from your advice i gather it is normal to have feelings like this. Believe me when i say there have been some truly rocky moments in our relationship that wasn't cheating but i fear if i explain what it is here and one day he finds this he will know exactly thats this is me about him - but we are working through that issue together.
I think i will talk to him, more so about having a healthy social life together. We both work alot and see our family's but he has always been resistant to build friendships with other gay people from his experiences before. I think that is what i crave more so in our life - friends to share are relationship with i know it sounds corny but hey.
I do worry that i would never find love like i have now and a respect for each other and i do believe i am very lucky to have found this in a non out relationship.
Thanks for your helps guys i will reply properly later 
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