Help please :/

[supasyd]

I don't really like talking about these things, but I've got a lot of things bottled up. When I was in secondary school I had a bout of psychotic depression. I was suicidal, paranoid, thought the devil was trying to take over my soul; basically a total nut. I managed to somehow oppress this and live a 'normal' life (I'd like to think I no longer hold such crazy beliefs), but despair and loneliness sneak up on me at times to bite me in the behind. How thoughtful of them.

At the age of about 17 I met a guy online, we started getting serious and I fell in love. (didn't happen quite as fast as this sentence makes out, but I am summarizing). I wasn't 'out' at the time and so it was kind of a secret thing for the year. One day he disappeared totally, which is typical. It was long-distance as it was, and so it was difficult for me to find out where he'd vanished to. I thought he had just got up and left me and then all these familiar depressed feelings came back. Yay.

A week after starting a new college course, I found out from his sister that he had hung himself (and I'd even missed the funeral). I never recovered from this, and cried every night for the next year pretty much.

It was hard because I had really wanted to get on this performing arts course I was on, so I couldn't drop out. So I hid my feelings and played the class clown and concentrated on my work and nobody knew what I was going through. To this day only I've only ever told three people, and I've always been rather vague about the details. Basically life sucked, but hey I got a good grade!!

Out of all these events concerning my ex, feelings of guilt and blame arose (of course), and it was a struggle everyday, but somehow I got through. It left my self-esteem in a total mess. My parents hadn't long split up at this point and I wasn't feeling very loved in any aspect of my life. I whored around a bit trying to seek some validation, but obviously it didn't work.

I also met a guy in Salford from PlentyOfFish, who turned to be a total nut (even more than me) who has been stalking me and harassing me non-stop for a year. We went on one date and now he seems to think we're an item. I've tried blocking him from everything but it just doesn't work. PlentyOfFish isn't a fitting name. If fish behaved like this I would sue.

In January I finally had my heart stolen again, and briefly started to feel a little good about myself, but it's turned out now I was just a rebound for his ex, and I can't handle the rejection. (also psycho stalker spread lies about me to split us up right from the beginning) I've gone so batpoo insane he is an inch away from getting a restraining order against me, and all I want are answers and closure from him but I can't get him, and I just feel like I can't go on without him, but then i remember that I've felt like this before....but it hurts more now because it's like accumulated. I just feel like nobody will ever ever love me, and I have this ridiculous insecure need to be wanted. I'm confident in who I am and I wouldn't pretend to be something I'm not, but I look in the mirror with disgust these days. I am spending 75% of my life in bed and I used to be so social. My ex is just letting me rot while he whores about with REALLY stunning 18yo (who make me feel extremely inadequate and unattractive), and I don't feel like I've ever felt so alone in my life. Even now I'm still texting my ex, partially because i DO genuinely love him, and partially because I just can't cope with loss again, because it just re-affirms all the negative things I think about myself.......I don't know where to go from here. I just need to be needed...........Anyone got any advice for me?

I apologize for the epic novel I have written.

[supasyd]

bump could really use some help :'(

[50Plus]

Any particular advice that you are looking for? The advice you receive may not make you feel any better.

If it matters, yes you are a cute good looking guy.

Head to the local chippy and get something to eat. Eat it.

Its a great start to get you out of the house and also provides nourishment.

Many directions to go after you have ate.

And yes, I am being totally serious. Not joking or kidding.

Have had similar experiences myself.

jb

[supasyd]

Thank you for answering. I really am trying but I'm just not coping. It's one thing after the other and It's too much now. Anxiety has skyrocketed and I can't even phone a doctor because of it (I've been meaning to for months). Just trapped. Don't know how to get out of it.

Also the reason I feel I'll never be wanted isn't just because of how I look, but because as soon as they get to know me and realise how much of a mess I am they all run the other way

[princealbertofb]

So, hello Supasyd, and to GaySpeak. You've had a lot on your plate for a young man. Losing someone you cared for at such a young age, learning you weren't even there for the funeral, etc will take out of lot of your self esteem and energy. Understandably you are a mess. It would have taken it out of most of us.

Have you tried counselling? The doctor, if you see one, will probably diagnose some form of depression and put you on some antidepressants which might work for a while (I hear they take some time to start kicking in, so you have to keep at it for long enough), but they do tend to suppress other feelings, such a libido, and other stuff... so you then need to find a way of getting weaned of them, once you start to feel better.

What is it you're afraid of about phoning the doctor exactly? I get it that you're in a state of anxiety, but what do you expect they'll say? Maybe you want to concentrate on getting your health back before you start seeking a new love prospect. If you need help, you have to get it where you can. It may begin in the form of a few pills.

What might happen is that while you're on that course of getting better, something will come to you out of the blue and you won't feel ready for it, but it'll still be better than feeling lonely, so you'll tentatively try going with it, only to discover that it's all worth it. Anyone you meet during that time will see that you're trying to get better and will help and support you in your endeavour, rather than run away. That is, if they're worth their salt.

Good luck finding some ways out of this.

[supasyd]

So, hello Supasyd, and to GaySpeak. You've had a lot on your plate for a young man. Losing someone you cared for at such a young age, learning you weren't even there for the funeral, etc will take out of lot of your self esteem and energy. Understandably you are a mess. It would have taken it out of most of us.

Have you tried counselling? The doctor, if you see one, will probably diagnose some form of depression and put you on some antidepressants which might work for a while (I hear they take some time to start kicking in, so you have to keep at it for long enough), but they do tend to suppress other feelings, such a libido, and other stuff... so you then need to find a way of getting weaned of them, once you start to feel better.

What is it you're afraid of about phoning the doctor exactly? I get it that you're in a state of anxiety, but what do you expect they'll say? Maybe you want to concentrate on getting your health back before you start seeking a new love prospect. If you need help, you have to get it where you can. It may begin in the form of a few pills.

What might happen is that while you're on that course of getting better, something will come to you out of the blue and you won't feel ready for it, but it'll still be better than feeling lonely, so you'll tentatively try going with it, only to discover that it's all worth it. Anyone you meet during that time will see that you're trying to get better and will help and support you in your endeavour, rather than run away. That is, if they're worth their salt.

Good luck finding some ways out of this.

Truthfully, I feel his death came at a bad time, I was loathed by everyone my own age growing up, all the way through school, and when my parents split up I think I invested myself totally into the relationship as an escape, and so when that got taken too, I've been left quite unhinged...Over the years my behaviour has become more and more erratic........The way I've behaved with my most recent ex this past week....let's just say people have been institutionalised for less

I have developed a phobia for ringing people I don't know on the phone. I'm also due to go to court soon because I couldn't pay for a train ticket ages ago due to an on-train cash machine not working, and I couldn't ring them in time to sort it and now I could get a criminal record. Ringing the doctor AND having to talk about personal things just seems impossible.

[Uneunsae]

Hi, I'm sorry you're going through so much. You aren't alone as far as that goes. I have severe PTSD that affects every aspect of my life. I know that making that phone call to the therapist is difficult, but please do it. It's a huge step towards getting help and easing the pain.

[princealbertofb]

If you can't ring these people, Syd, is there a chance you could walk over to the practice and just ask for an appointment? Or maybe another way of going about it would be to e-mail the practice?

[supasyd]

the clinic where I'm registered is a bit of a distance away, so it wouldn't be ideal. I tried counselling when I was in school but she was a bit judgemental with me and it made me feel a lot worse. I lost a lot of weight at this time (My BMI was 13) and I think she kept trying to imply I had an eating disorder, when I was just stressed, and it just put me off counselling. I feel very alone. I can't tell my family either, and the two friends I do trust I don't see very often at all. Will tablets really substitute trustworthy human beings???

EDIT: Also I've always been scared that I'll be too tempted to overdose. This is another reason I am unsure...but I definitely cannot go on the way I am

[princealbertofb]

No, Syd, tablets will not be a substitute for true care and friendship, and you know that. They will, however make you less anxious, and feel calmer and more able to deal with things that make you totally stressed out. Once in a calmer, more collected place, you might get the ball rolling for things you want to change.
As for counselling, I know that some counsellors are not very good at their jobs but you can't paint every counsellor with the same brush, and it seems to me that you should try to find one that doesn't judge you, and who can actually help you to find a way to solving your problems, maybe not all of them, but some of them, to start with. A good counsellor would be one who helps you to see a way to overcoming your problems, your distrust, your anxieties and would help you either see things in another light or help you to find ways of dealing with issues. As I said, and repeat, no two counsellors will be the same, just as no two people will be the same. Give it another try, maybe? And if you don't find the right one, once more, try another? You owe it to yourself not to settle for someone that doesn't fit the bill, your bill.

Am I to understand that your family has not been able to detect the slightest bit of anxiety in you? The slightest bit of unrest and despondency? How can that be, Syd? Are you such a good comedian/actor now?