What can I do?

[rroepcke]

Hey,

So myself and the guy I've been seeing for about three months now are both not necessarily out - we have both come a long way since meeting and have taken steps in the right direction (I've started coming out to close friends and he is also taking me out to dates in public etc) but I'm facing a new problem now and a new set of thoughts and I'm not sure how to talk with him about it.

A few weeks ago he asked me if I'd like to come to a concert with him, I of course said yes because I like who is playing and I enjoy spending time with him. On the weekend we were out on a date and he said his best friend (who he isn't out to) would like to go and he feels bad going with me and not taking her. Of course I said 'that's fine, take her and take your time. I don't want you to rush into coming out, blah blah blah...' Then the next day when we woke up we were having a cuddle and talking about coming out - I told him it's not so bad coming out to your closer friends and asked if he's thinking about doing it with this girl. He got really quite angry and said 'It's not the same with your friends - they all have someone. My friend really believes she's going to marry me.' This has made me so confused and I think it's awful, I worry that I'm just a filler and if he's still not wanting to come out to people close to him that he won't ever do it for me. I actually don't know what to think about the whole thing and some new perspectives and any advice of how to talk about the situation with him would be great.

[TwisttheLeaf]

First of all....

'It's not the same with your friends - they all have someone. My friend really believes she's going to marry me.'

WTF?? Is he -dating- her??

Because right there would be a deal breaker for me, whether he's in the closet or not. And if he's -not- dating her, why does she think that he's some day going to marry her?

This right here would be a HUGE roadblock for me and something I would need to talk to him about that far out-ranks when he eventually comes out and what his motivations are for doing so when he does. IMO, you two need to get on the same page about how you feel about each other, and what you consider each other to be to the other.

Second... he shouldn't be considering coming out "for you". It should be something he wants to do for himself.

[Camfer]

If you are fully out to everyone and you only date people who are also fully out, these problems will not be in your life.

[meninlove]

This: 'He got really quite angry and said 'It's not the same with your friends - they all have someone. My friend really believes she's going to marry me.'
My first reaction would be to say, 'well..I couldn't know that without you telling me.' (and really because of this he has no right getting angry.)

My opinion. As for this woman; he knows her, probably likes her (as a person!) and is a friend he's hesitating to to hurt, and perhaps he can find a way to break it to her gradually rather than slap her with it. *winks*

[Uneunsae]

This would be a HUGE red flag for me. Boundary issues!!! Why is he allowing some girl to think she's going to marry him? Because he feels sorry for her? WTH? These kind of things are what cause me to immediately lose interest in someone. People often have boundary issues and crap like that which I REFUSE to deal with. It always ends up badly.

[meninlove]

This would be a HUGE red flag for me. Boundary issues!!! Why is he allowing some girl to think she's going to marry him? Because he feels sorry for her? WTH? These kind of things are what cause me to immediately lose interest in someone. People often have boundary issues and crap like that which I REFUSE to deal with. It always ends up badly.

Why? That's a good question, and I think it's because neither of them are out, so this is medias res, as they say. (in other words, we're privy to part of an ongoing process of coming out, which some wrestle with over time.)

[Uneunsae]

But just because he's not out, he shouldn't string a girl along like that since he already knows he's gay (unless he was trying to live a straight life), but that's something he should have said in the beginning. "There's a girl who is in love with me."

OP, did he tell you about that girl in the beginning?

[Bowyn Aerrow]

Since he got angry over this gal situation, it is most likely a very sore subject with him, and no matter what others may think, he may actually be honestly uncertain how to break the news to her.

Having had a couple gal-pals fall in love with me even knowing I was 100% gay, I get how confusing, and complex dealing with another persons misplaced love and ideas can be.

Anger is an expression of a lot of things, frustration, fear, hurt, grief - all of those and a few others can be expressed in the form of anger. And most likely in this case he is not angry at you, but himself, the situation.

Knowing women as well as I do, she most likely just kept rattling on about her dreams and plans and he was caught like a deer in the headlights. Caught because he was in the closet and didn't want her to know.

Furthermore, he most likely is terrified that if he tells her now her reaction will be retaliation and that means spreading his little secret to the world.

Don't take it personally.

As for the whole 'we are in the closet' deal. Rarely do two people in the closet come out at the same rate.

The only two this will be more manageable is an honest heart to heart of where we are, where we would like to go, where we have already come from when it comes to where each of you are in the outing process.

It seems to me you both are fearful of stuff which is going to affect the whole total honesty thing with each other. However you two only gots each other to support each other through what can be a miserable process.

Your reaction and the feelings his new revelation brings to you should be told to him. Not in an accusing way.

[rroepcke]

Second... he shouldn't be considering coming out "for you". It should be something he wants to do for himself.

I don't think he's necessarily coming out for me - but I suppose I'm so happy (though there are issues like this one) and want to be out so that the people I love can see how happy I am, and I kind of hope that it would be the same for him.

Because right there would be a deal breaker for me, whether he's in the closet or not. And if he's -not- dating her, why does she think that he's some day going to marry her?

That's what I've started thinking about - is he leading her on? - I don't know, I kind of think he's allowing her to think it because it makes it easier for him to maintain his cover, but at the same time he spends every free minute he has with me so I'm unsure how she's thinking that.

But just because he's not out, he shouldn't string a girl along like that since he already knows he's gay (unless he was trying to live a straight life), but that's something he should have said in the beginning. "There's a girl who is in love with me."

OP, did he tell you about that girl in the beginning?

Yeah I've known about their friendship since we started talking - She's his best friend but I have a feeling he's letting her think these things to maintain a cover. He's already expressed to me that he doesn't have any feelings for girls but then another part of me (the little bit paranoid part) feels as though he may try to live a straight life. I really just want to have an open and honest discussion about it.

[rroepcke]

Since he got angry over this gal situation, it is most likely a very sore subject with him, and no matter what others may think, he may actually be honestly uncertain how to break the news to her.

Having had a couple gal-pals fall in love with me even knowing I was 100% gay, I get how confusing, and complex dealing with another persons misplaced love and ideas can be.

Anger is an expression of a lot of things, frustration, fear, hurt, grief - all of those and a few others can be expressed in the form of anger. And most likely in this case he is not angry at you, but himself, the situation.

Knowing women as well as I do, she most likely just kept rattling on about her dreams and plans and he was caught like a deer in the headlights. Caught because he was in the closet and didn't want her to know.

Furthermore, he most likely is terrified that if he tells her now her reaction will be retaliation and that means spreading his little secret to the world.

Don't take it personally.

As for the whole 'we are in the closet' deal. Rarely do two people in the closet come out at the same rate.

The only two this will be more manageable is an honest heart to heart of where we are, where we would like to go, where we have already come from when it comes to where each of you are in the outing process.

It seems to me you both are fearful of stuff which is going to affect the whole total honesty thing with each other. However you two only gots each other to support each other through what can be a miserable process.

Your reaction and the feelings his new revelation brings to you should be told to him. Not in an accusing way.

This is very accurate of the way I'm feeling. It's quite a hard and confusing time and this is the absolute first time I've ever been in this situation. I too have had Girls fall for me but as soon as they express their interest I'd always be forward and say 'I'm not interested, sorry' or 'lets be friends instead' as I don't want to hurt anyone - I want to suggest this to him as something to say to her as to me it's crueller to allow her to believe that she has a chance.- I just don't know how to bring it up with him in a delicate way without causing anger.