Therapist convinced my boyfriend to refrain from sex

[East]

In reading some of these responses...I think if you dismiss his therapy or therapist with ridicule or shame or laughter you may risk your relationship....

I think it is fair and reasonable to ask him what might be the motivation behind cleansing so you can at least understand where he is coming from as it involves both of you but if you ridicule him or his therapist you might do a lot of damage that you may not be able to undo.....

[Uneunsae]

Holy assumptions Batman! @ many of these responses...

[Borg69]

Have you tried Googling this woman to see what the BBB and/or other patients have said about her?

[MikeW]

I read this thread yesterday and had a lot of feelings about it but couldn't find the words to articulate them. Not sure I can do a good job of it today but I'm going to give it a shot. (By the way, I grew up in Indiana but left ages ago.)

My boyfriend has been seeing a therapist for a while now because of some anxiety issues. It’s really nothing too serious and I don’t think he needs therapy, but if he feels he does, then who am I to say he can't.

First of all, this opening statement suggests you're having conflicting thoughts and feelings about your BFs choices, which further suggests to me that you do not really understand him. You're 'putting up with' his choices but you're not overly supportive of them. I would even go so far as to say you don't really respect them and, by extension, don't really respect him. Is this correct?

However, this 'therapist’ isn’t really a therapist: she’s one of those alternative medicine (read: non-effective bullshit) kind of therapists. It annoys the hell out of me, because in my view all she does is take his money and sell him nonsense. However, it's his therapist, not mine, so I've kept my mouth shut because he's free to decide what kind of help he wants.

Here again I see you do not respect his choices. Understand, I'm not saying you are "wrong" about this 'therapist'. I'd be very curious to know more about who she is, what kind of counseling or 'therapy' she is offering, whether or not she has had any sort of training or is a licensed professional in the mental health field. Your opinion may be completely justified but the way you're writing about it suggests you have strong feelings about it, and that's what I'm curious about.

Up until last week.

We were making out in bed when all of a sudden he stops and says "there’s something I have to tell you and you’re not going to like it." I asked him "what?!”, thinking he cheated or something. He then proceeds to tell me his therapist said refraining from sex for a while would be helpful since it would "clear his mind and body” and some nonsense about energy stuff (What the...?! ). I just laughed and looked like he was insane, but he gave me this dead serious look, then got pissed and said I wasn’t taking him seriously. I told him he couldn't be fucking serious, still kind of shocked and hoping he was joking. Well, surprise! Turns out he wasn't. It's been a week and he still doesn't want to do anything more than making out.

Well, he's right. You're not taking hims seriously. You don't respect his choice, the two of you are not 'together', not 'on the same page' about this at all. And I think this is very important. I certainly agree that his waiting to bring this up until that moment was not good. It's a sign that he was afraid to bring it up, probably because he feared you would react more or less exactly as you have. I assume he knows you don't respect his choices which implies you don't respect something that is of importance to him. Right from the beginning you've indicated you don't think his anxiety issues are 'anything too serious'. But this in itself is a problem. They're obviously serious enough in his own mind to seek help for them (however misguided his choice of 'help' may be). You're displaying an attitude that shows up as an opinion that is judgmental.

Now, you may be quite right. Perhaps his issues aren't that 'serious'. I have no way of knowing. But the fact that you are expressing an attitude about them again suggests to me that the two of you are not clear with one another, are not 'together' on this.

I am most definitely not happy about this, and honestly it kind of irritates me. Now please don't think this is about the sex; I can easily do without for a while, as long as there's a good reason. But deciding on your own because of some bullshit therapist that you wanna quit sex altogether, that's just selfish.

Now he's mad at me for not being more understanding and "pushing him to do something he's not comfortable doing", which is total bullcrap if you ask me. How can it be that some so-called 'therapist’ decides something so drastic as to refrain from sex completely, I hear about it right before I think we’re gonna do it, then when I don’t immediately happily accept it, I am being an unsupportive jerk?

Am I really in the wrong here? Again, it's not the sex (well maybe partly); it's the fact that they decided without even asking me, behind my back, while I think I'm quite a big part of this! It's cool if he wants to see a crappy therapist, just as long as it doesn't affect me. Which now, it does.

I'd just like to know if it's really that weird for me to be irritated by this. It's causing a lot of fights between the two of us right now and as you can probably tell frustrates the hell out of me.

Sorry if this has turned more into a rant than anything else.

No, it isn't "wrong" to be irritated by this. Most anyone would. What I'm asking you to do, though, is look at your own feelings and be honest with yourself and with your BF about them. You aren't being "understanding". You *are* being a jerk. You have an attitude about it. Again, this is regardless whether your opinion of his choices are justified or not. The point is the two of you aren't 'together' in this. You're on one side of a fence (apparently) feeling frustrated, annoyed, perhaps angry. Meanwhile your BF is on the other side of the fence feeling unsupported, cut off, perhaps even judged and ridiculed. At the very least from what you've said you don't think his anxiety is a big deal when, apparently for him it *is* a big deal.

What's really going on here? I wish I were smart enough to figure it out but I'm not sure I can. I take these kinds of 'disagreements' between couples very seriously. There is a dynamic going on here that doesn't feel right to me. Regardless of what type of 'therapeutic' help is sought by one or both guys in a relationship, whenever some strong difference of opinion shows up in a relationship, especially one that leads to one partner disrespecting the choices of the other, there is something *more* than the obvious going on. You feel your needs aren't being met (and, indeed, they aren't) and now your partner feels the same way (his need for acceptance and support). This is a very divided and divisive situation… and the question I'm pondering is, what, if anything, can reconcile it?

Couples get into 'predicaments' like this (could be about anything, really). It is quite common. But if there is no bond of mutual respect that is sincere, not simply a matter of 'tolerance' (which implies, dynamics like, 'I'm ok but you're not but I'll put up with it' and 'I'm not seen and understood, you're just tolerating me but I'll put up with it') then there is a very serious issue beneath the surface. The specific 'predicament' is just the way it has shown up.

Everyone's feelings are valid. We don't alway see it that way because we don't know enough about one another to truly *understand* the other's feelings. The same is true for ourselves. Often times we feel things but have no real idea what is motivating or underlying those feelings. Why is your partner 'anxious'? Why do you feel (beyond annoyed and all that) not 'on the same page' with him, that he is 'wrong' and you are 'right'?

I think if the two of you want to save your relationship and get to the bottom of this you're both going to need counseling by a trained professional. You both need to *understand* where the other is coming from. You both need to go deeper into what is driving your feelings and express them in a safe way so they *can* be understood by the other. This is the 'hard work' of any relationship. Sometimes it can be done without the support of an unbiased third party trained in this field, but not always. So far, from what I see said here, both of you lack communication skills. Talking is only half of it, you know; the other, and more important half, is *listening* and that doesn't just mean 'hearing the words said'. It means 'getting them', fully 'grocking' them, seeing them and respecting them as your partner's *truth*. Thus they are valued by you and your truth equally valued by him. This is understanding. This is being together. This is being 'on the same page'. This is a genuine relationship.

Without that any relationship is going to ship wreck on the stormy seas of conflict and black rocks of misunderstanding. Whether it is this particular issue or something else, doesn't matter; if your hearts are not truly open to one another, intimate with one another, understanding of one another, in it together, working through it together, learning together, growing together… etc… the relationship cannot survive. (Or, if it does, it will be a dysfunctional relationship, an imbalanced relationship with agressive/passive-agressive power trips that is sustained more out of habit and re-enforcing old psychological wounding, than the *partnership* a good relationship can be.)

I wish you both the best, I truly do. I think love and partnership is perhaps the most important thing in life. However, as one who has lived long and hard and outlived two LT partners, I know from experience that good relationships challenge the people involved. I'm suggesting you try and understand what is really going on inside yourself rather than focusing all your attention on your partner's choices. This means validating your annoyance, even anger, but looking deeper to what is driving them. Again, you may be right, your BFs choices may be 'bullshit', but that's not exactly the point. You have every right to feel as you do; what you do not have 'the right' to do in anything approaching a *partnership* is judge and disrespect your partner (putting him and his choices down, making yourself feel superior in the process). Whenever that happens in a relationship there is something seriously wrong.

[East]

...some really great insights Mike but this gets to the heart of the matter better than anything else and bears repeating.....

[SIZE="4"][COLOR="Red"]I know from experience that good relationships challenge the people involved.

I'm suggesting you try and understand what is really going on inside yourself rather than focusing all your attention on your partner's choices.[/COLOR][/SIZE]

GREAT ADVICE

[LucasVonSeattle]

I'm seeing a general trend here, which I am agreeing with, that you need to tread carefully, be respectful of your boyfriend, but diplomatically call bull shit on his "therapist". I didn't read every single post, so sorry if this was said, but I think you should suggest going with him to see the therapist so you can understand the process. Also, I agree there need to be some clear guides as to what he is trying to accomplish. A second licensed therapists' input would be ideal.

[phillyboy1234]

While I'm not a psychiatrist, I am a medical doctor. It seems somewhat b.s. that the "therapist" would say what she said, but I think seeking a second opinion is the best option. As other users have pointed out, the term "therapist" has no regulation, which is unfortunate. In addition your description sounds more akin to a life coach than to someone adhering to science. One user suggested that all treatment is experimental in any given scenario, but based on science I can have a good idea on whether a treatment will work. That is the trouble I have with your scenario: no mainstream psych regimen calls for sexual abstinence.

Anyway, good luck. Keep us posted!

[Evan]

First of all, thanks so much everyone for all the great posts. I never thought I’d get this much help, but it's greatly appreciated!

I can’t respond to every single poster individually, so sorry about that.

Let me start by answering/responding to MikeW's post, because I think by doing that I'll already cover most of it.

First of all, this opening statement suggests you're having conflicting thoughts and feelings about your BFs choices, which further suggests to me that you do not really understand him. You're 'putting up with' his choices but you're not overly supportive of them. I would even go so far as to say you don't really respect them and, by extension, don't really respect him. Is this correct?

Partially. I’d like to think I do respect and support him. I try to, at the very least. It’s hard for me to fully support these therapy sessions, though, because I already absolutely hate therapists, and this one in particular really gets on my nerves. Plus, you’re absolutely right I don’t understand him, but he doesn’t give me a chance to.

Right from the beginning you've indicated you don't think his anxiety issues are 'anything too serious'. But this in itself is a problem. They're obviously serious enough in his own mind to seek help for them (however misguided his choice of 'help' may be). [...]
At the very least from what you've said you don't think his anxiety is a big deal when, apparently for him it *is* a big deal.

Actually I shouldn’t have said that. I know it’s a big deal to him. I was just being grumpy. I’m just.. not a therapist kind of guy.

No, it isn't "wrong" to be irritated by this. Most anyone would. What I'm asking you to do, though, is look at your own feelings and be honest with yourself and with your BF about them. You aren't being "understanding". You *are* being a jerk. You have an attitude about it. Again, this is regardless whether your opinion of his choices are justified or not. The point is the two of you aren't 'together' in this. You're on one side of a fence (apparently) feeling frustrated, annoyed, perhaps angry. Meanwhile your BF is on the other side of the fence feeling unsupported, cut off, perhaps even judged and ridiculed.

I’m not sure how to explain how I feel about this, but let me try.

First off, he used to have some serious anxiety issues (most of them having to do with the fact that he’s been bullied for being gay for years and was physically assaulted two years ago because of it too). However, he’s had therapy, medication and whatnot, and when we met for the first time supposedly he was fine/cured whatever. The thing is... he’s told me the problems have come back since we’ve been together. To be honest that made me feel really crappy, because I don’t understand how our relationship could cause the same feelings he had back then. A relationship is supposed to make you happy, not make you run off to a therapist. It makes me feel like I am doing something wrong. All this wouldn’t be a problem if he would just talk to me about it. Let me know what is bothering him, what I need to do to help him. But he won’t talk to me. I’ve tried so hard to understand what’s going on and what I can do to help, but I feel like he’s just blocking me out. Instead of talking to me about it, he goes to some woman he doesn’t even know, then decides not being intimate with me is part of the solution. Communication is supposed to be one of the most important aspects of a relationship, and I feel like that’s exactly everything we lack. I just feel really left out, and like it’s my fault.

Yes, there is most definitely a fence, but I’ve tried so hard to break it down. So yes, maybe I am not being understanding, but it’s because I don’t understand, even though I’ve genuinely tried to. I think so much of this could be resolved if he would just confide in me, which apparently he doesn’t. I can’t even put into words how awful and left out I feel.

I guess maybe this celibacy thing was the last straw. I just irritates me that he won’t talk to me and acts like it’s no big deal (and it doesn’t look like one either), but then apparently does feel the need to talk to a stranger and make big decisions like this. I just don’t get it.

Kind of odd how typing this out on here makes me realize what I’m really so frustrated about.

I'm suggesting you try and understand what is really going on inside yourself rather than focusing all your attention on your partner's choices. This means validating your annoyance, even anger, but looking deeper to what is driving them.

^ Guess that’s what I just did.

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After reading some of the responses I do feel kind of bad for reacting the way I did. I want him to feel like he can tell me anything. I know I may have sounded selfish, and perhaps I am, but above all I just want for him to be happy. I realize my reaction may have come across as insensitive and unsupportive, so I’ll definitely try and make up for that.

About the therapist, yes she does have a license. She’s just a little unconventional. I’ve already talked to my boyfriend about it (when I was in a calmer mood), and even though he didn’t want to hear about it at first because he thought I just wanted to argue with her and talk him out of going there, he’s now agreed to me joining a session and talking with her as well. So, pretty interested to see how that’s gonna go.

I would ask him to help you understand the motivation behind the request to abstain...

I did. It’s because sex with me "puts him under a lot of pressure (pressure to perform and all that) and stress”. This came completely out of nowhere for me, and again makes me feel like this relationship just makes him unhappy. I seriously don’t understand where all this stuff is coming from, and I’m possibly more frustrated than I already was.

I know it’s not about me, though! Just keeping that in mind and trying to be there for him when he needs me, I guess.

[Iceblink]

One thing I did not see you address was counseling for both of you together, something that was suggested more than once here. From your response here just now, I'm even more convinced it would be a good idea. I know you are not fond of his therapist, but a therapist you two would see together doesn't necessarily have to be the same one he is seeing.

[Camfer]

I'm sorry, but to me it seems that this relationship in its present state is doomed. Your BF has a ton of issues to explore, and he wants to explore it on his own. I don't see him as being anywhere near capable of a relationship with you. He has a ton of work to do on himself before he can meet another man fully and be open and honest about what's going on. He doesn't want to share all this crap with you, and it's completely understandable why. He's afraid he's going to lose you if he shows you all this stuff in his head, and he's probably right about that, but in not sharing it with you, he creates the very division he hopes to avoid. He loses either way.

I commend you for trying to understand, and for being willing to address whatever issues he's willing to share. But you cannot be the hero here. He has to fix himself. Your relationship is not making him unhappy. He is unhappy because he has so much inner work to do. You can try to be supportive but honestly I don't know how much your support will really help.

You have found yourself in a relationship with someone with a lot of issues. Now it's you who has to figure out to what extent you want to deal with him and his issues. You might end up concluding that you are better off being a good friend to him rather than being his boyfriend.

When I was your age I was in a relationship with a bipolar man who was my same age. I tried everything to make the relationship work. It was impossible to deal with his mood swings. He even took me once to his therapist, and made me pay half the fee so that I was "engaged in the process." The therapist basically said the issues were all my partner's and not mine. When I refused to live my life around his problems, the relationship ended. I am so damn glad it did! I felt so free, and I was.

Crazy people end up making crazy demands. For a while we try to do our best to accommodate them if we are in relation to them. There can come an awakening when we realize we aren't really obligated to deal with all their issues. Being strong and true to yourself can sometimes look like moving on, just a much as it can look like sticking around and honoring a commitment made. I wish you great insight so you make the right choice.