He pretends it never happened

[happyschizoid]

He was only after the sex and I knew that.

It's been 5 years and he's moved on with a woman and got married. I have accepted that and we still get on well. The problem for me is he wants to pretend that things in the past never happened. I don't know if it's embarrassment, shame, or something else but if I bring up the past he changes the subject and doesn't want to discuss it. The sex happened between us, and for me it can't be forgotten. It is not something I bring up every time we talk but he will not discuss it when I do.

Things are good between us and I get along well with his wife. I see them2 or 3 times a year. She may suspect something happened between us and I'm undecided how I would respond if she ask me about it. I think I will ask him how he wants me to respond.

If anyone has any experience with situation should I push him to acknowledge what happened or should I just accept his thinking and pretend it never happened?

If he can't be honest with me I have to question how close our friendship is.

[CellarDweller]

if you are not together and never will be, it's time to let it go and move on.

If you have happy memories from those times, hold on to them, and keep them to yourself. Any attempt to bring them up will only cause him to respond by glossing over it.

I know, I went through it with an ex of mine. Not only did he refuse to talk about it, we were both members of the same online community, and he went and deleted a lot of posts between the two of us, and pics of the two of us, so they were wiped out of the forum's memory.

However, a number of our mutual online friends came to me and asked who he thought he was fooling, and they all had pics of us together and remembered our conversations, even if he did his best to erase what we were.

Don't put yourself through the attempted erasings......keep it to yourself, where he can't get to it.

[happyschizoid]

CellarDweller
"If you have happy memories from those times, hold on to them, and keep them to yourself. Any attempt to bring them up will only cause him to respond by glossing over it."

I think you are right but it still hurts.

[ETOTE]

I've been there with a few friends, currently there now with one.
Also have family members who have been there.

Think of it this way, it's not that he is being dishonest with you, obviously you both know what happened. It obviously bothers him as he clearly has some unresolved issues with his sexuality that he will deal with on his own in his own way on his own time.

You can't force someone to come to terms with something just for your own selfish need, benefit or desire. If and when he wants to talk about things, let him come to you, just be there for him as a friend. He may have far more complicated things to deal with in his life right now than you being able to talk about the sex you two had years ago.

[CellarDweller]

CellarDweller
"If you have happy memories from those times, hold on to them, and keep them to yourself. Any attempt to bring them up will only cause him to respond by glossing over it."

I think you are right but it still hurts.

Yes it does, you're right. I'm not going to lie about it.

Just because it didn't mean as much to him as it did to you doesn't mean your feelings/memories are not right.

Try to find a sense of satisfaction in the fact that you remember, and no matter how much he would want differently, those memories won't disappear, because you won't let them.

[TwisttheLeaf]

Sometimes the only way that people can move on.... is to -move on-. And that can mean putting what you did in your past behind you, especially if it's something you feel ashamed of, embarrassed about, or uncomfortable with others knowing.

I agree with the others. Cherish your memories, but don't push this.

[meninlove]

You said, "He was only after the sex and I knew that. "

Then I think you need to go by this and move on and away. You didn't matter to the point he married someone else. Aren't you worth more?

[Borg69]

Sometimes when the planets align right two people come together and share a moment and bond in ways that can't really be explained. It is (was) what it was. He needed something then you were able to provide that he doesn't need from you now. He's married. He only sees you 2-3 Times a year. There's nothing to talk about.

You both know it happened. He seems to be the only one of you two that knows it's not happening again. Obsessing over it and making his wife suspicious and forcing him to dredge it up isn't helping what's left of your friendship.

You shared a moment. That moment has long past. Move forward.

[happyschizoid]

With the opinions I have gotten here tells me to let it go and I knew that from the start. It just seems like he is lying to himself but as was mentioned we both know it happened. I have decided I will not bring up the past again with him. Cherish the memories and enjoy the friendship we have. It sounds easy in theory but I'm not sure it will be that easy in practice.

[ETOTE]

^To share something with you...

Sometimes people find themselves in a situation where they are in over their head.
And not ruffling the feathers for the time being is the easiest and smartest thing to do for everyone involved.

I have a buddy who is in this exact scenario.
He's in a long term relationship with a girl, has a kid with her. The relationship is extremely rocky as she is abusive to him and very mentally unstable.

When we lived together as roommates, we messed around here and there and he overcame many of his insecurities about sex, his size, sexuality. But he still has some level of interest in guys, me in particular. He is wanting me to move back in with him but can't come out and say all the reasons why.

I've managed to coax one reason out...that he wants to break up with this crazy chick he's with and wants to use me to move in with to leave her. But there is an obvious reason we BOTH know is true since he can move out on his own in his own place whenever he wants, or he can just as easily find any roommate to move in with....he wants me specifically...so we can go back to "messing around". Of course, there is the obvious need for friendship, emotional and physical support he apparently does not have where he lives.

I love this dude like a brother and we've been through way too much together to just cut him off completely or think that he is lying to me about sex or just using me or whatever. He obviously still has some issues to work through and has a hard time coming to grips with them or accepting them and he obviously does care for me more than just as a "surface friend". On the other hand, I provide some much needed mental relief for him and someone to go to, talk about things he would not and cannot talk to anyone about. Many things he can't even admit to himself but he knows that I know and can help bring them up and help him deal with some things even if he doesn't necessarily feel comfortable talking about them. He would rather just be there together in the moment and work through it by brooding or taking action rather than talking.

Sometimes you just need to be there for people even if they don't talk about it, they still know and they know you know, so in a way there is almost no point in talking about it, just being there with each other through actions can be far more effective.


If any of this makes sense...rambling.