Where I've Been
07-13-2014, 01:10 AM
Some of you may have noticed my absence here over the past few weeks. I'm back, and wanted to shed some light on my situation, and where I've been.
Back on 6/18, I woke up with extreme respiratory distress, coughing up blood. Darin dragged me to the car and drove me to the ER at St. Anthony's Hospital here in Lakewood CO. I have no memory of this.
Once I was in the ER with a team of docs figuring shit out, Darin called my father who got in his car and drove from Madison WI to the hospital. He was going to fly, but it was actually faster for him to drive. It turns out, there were/are severe blood clots in my calves (DVT) and, while I was in the ER, one of the clots traveled to my lungs and I had a pulmonary embolism. The decision was made to intubate and put me in a controlled coma with a combo of versed, fentanyl, and propafol. I remained in this unconscious state for 15 days while they cleared my lungs, installed IVC filters to prevent more clots from moving to my lungs, and got my respiratory system cleaned up and functioning.
During this time, I experienced what they called "ICU Psychosis" which is, basically, a dream-like mental narrative your mind creates from the sensory I put you do get while under sedation. It's like a very vivid dream I fully recall, made up of some components I remember from the hospital (certain people talking and saying specific things, interpretation of physical procedures being done to me, etc). If you saw the Sopranos and remember when Tony was in a coma, but in his dream he was Kevin Finnerty, a totally different person living a different life. It wasn't like that narrative, but the experience was very similar.
I'm back home now, but it's actually little solace. I've got one of those giant plastic trays with compartments for all my pills I have to take throughout the day. I've gotta inject myself with Luvenox 2x a day for the foreseeable future, I'm scheduled to see a Hematologist, as well as a radiology specialist who's going to remove the IVC filters, and I need psychological services to help me manage and make sense of what all this left for me to deal with, mentally.
The doctor told me that most people with my condition don't even make it to the ER, and that there's not a lot of reason for me to be alive. I think he was trying to make me feel better, but it scared the shit out of me and left me trembling with a panic attack. Fortunately, I'm now on Xanax to help control the PA is attacks and anxiety they expect me to have.
Throughout all this, Darin was my biggest advocate and I wouldn't be alive right now if it wasn't for him. He truly is my hero. While I was unconscious, he and my Dad got a chance to bond and really get to know each other. They had met before, and my Dad only ever cares that I'm happy. That I'm gay means nothing to him. But this experience brought them closer, and my dad, maybe for the first time, saw that I had someone (besides himself) who'd go to the ends of the Earth for me, and would always be by my side. So, I'm really happy about that. When I was taken off sedation and could understand what was going on, my Dad spent a good amount of time telling me how loyal and caring Darin was, and how he didn't take shit from the nurses if something was wrong. He basically took control and made sure the nurses and docs were on schedule doing what they had to.
Darin also took off work the whole time and sat holding my hand the entire time I was out. My Dad was on the other side, but Darin never left my side. And when it got to be too much and my Dad broke down, Darin was there for him too. If there was any question before about my relationship with Darin, it's gone now. He's certainly an accepted, loved member of my family now, and that's a big thing for me.
Now that the District Judge here in CO has found the current Civil Union laws unconstitutional, along with the state's ban on same-sex marriage, I'm thinking I'm going to propose to Darin this fall (maybe end of summer), and we're going to get married sometime next year. He's the man for me, and anyone who would do what he did while I was unconscious is a keeper.
Now, aside from getting better, I gotta figure out a good way to propose. If you've got suggestions or ideas, please share (here or PM).
Otherwise, I'm glad to be alive, still, and I'm glad to be back on gayspeak.
-Sam
[email protected]
Back on 6/18, I woke up with extreme respiratory distress, coughing up blood. Darin dragged me to the car and drove me to the ER at St. Anthony's Hospital here in Lakewood CO. I have no memory of this.
Once I was in the ER with a team of docs figuring shit out, Darin called my father who got in his car and drove from Madison WI to the hospital. He was going to fly, but it was actually faster for him to drive. It turns out, there were/are severe blood clots in my calves (DVT) and, while I was in the ER, one of the clots traveled to my lungs and I had a pulmonary embolism. The decision was made to intubate and put me in a controlled coma with a combo of versed, fentanyl, and propafol. I remained in this unconscious state for 15 days while they cleared my lungs, installed IVC filters to prevent more clots from moving to my lungs, and got my respiratory system cleaned up and functioning.
During this time, I experienced what they called "ICU Psychosis" which is, basically, a dream-like mental narrative your mind creates from the sensory I put you do get while under sedation. It's like a very vivid dream I fully recall, made up of some components I remember from the hospital (certain people talking and saying specific things, interpretation of physical procedures being done to me, etc). If you saw the Sopranos and remember when Tony was in a coma, but in his dream he was Kevin Finnerty, a totally different person living a different life. It wasn't like that narrative, but the experience was very similar.
I'm back home now, but it's actually little solace. I've got one of those giant plastic trays with compartments for all my pills I have to take throughout the day. I've gotta inject myself with Luvenox 2x a day for the foreseeable future, I'm scheduled to see a Hematologist, as well as a radiology specialist who's going to remove the IVC filters, and I need psychological services to help me manage and make sense of what all this left for me to deal with, mentally.
The doctor told me that most people with my condition don't even make it to the ER, and that there's not a lot of reason for me to be alive. I think he was trying to make me feel better, but it scared the shit out of me and left me trembling with a panic attack. Fortunately, I'm now on Xanax to help control the PA is attacks and anxiety they expect me to have.
Throughout all this, Darin was my biggest advocate and I wouldn't be alive right now if it wasn't for him. He truly is my hero. While I was unconscious, he and my Dad got a chance to bond and really get to know each other. They had met before, and my Dad only ever cares that I'm happy. That I'm gay means nothing to him. But this experience brought them closer, and my dad, maybe for the first time, saw that I had someone (besides himself) who'd go to the ends of the Earth for me, and would always be by my side. So, I'm really happy about that. When I was taken off sedation and could understand what was going on, my Dad spent a good amount of time telling me how loyal and caring Darin was, and how he didn't take shit from the nurses if something was wrong. He basically took control and made sure the nurses and docs were on schedule doing what they had to.
Darin also took off work the whole time and sat holding my hand the entire time I was out. My Dad was on the other side, but Darin never left my side. And when it got to be too much and my Dad broke down, Darin was there for him too. If there was any question before about my relationship with Darin, it's gone now. He's certainly an accepted, loved member of my family now, and that's a big thing for me.
Now that the District Judge here in CO has found the current Civil Union laws unconstitutional, along with the state's ban on same-sex marriage, I'm thinking I'm going to propose to Darin this fall (maybe end of summer), and we're going to get married sometime next year. He's the man for me, and anyone who would do what he did while I was unconscious is a keeper.
Now, aside from getting better, I gotta figure out a good way to propose. If you've got suggestions or ideas, please share (here or PM).
Otherwise, I'm glad to be alive, still, and I'm glad to be back on gayspeak.
-Sam
[email protected]
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Scorpio
Capricorn
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Aquarius
