Okay, so my boyfriend and I recently split up. I myself am devastated. We are not speaking right now, and it kills me. The other night he and I were just fine. I thought things were going perfect. We were texting, and he had been acting slightly odd. I asked him what was wrong, and he told me it was something he could not talk to me or anybody about, which did upset me a bit, he asked me not to argue it, so I didn't. Sadly because of that though I did ask him a question that has been lingering in my mind for a little while now. I had been worried about him since the 4th of July. I asked him if he still wanted to be with his ex. Ironically that is exactly what he said he couldn't talk to me about. Somehow I just knew, and I do understand there will always be that part that loves him, and i'm fine with that. I was just upset that he hid it from me, he said he didn't know how long its been going on, but I do find that hard to believe. At that point we were both upset, and I was trying to figure out what he wanted to do. If he wanted to break up, or take a break. Finally he told me take a break. I was fine with that, give him time to get his head on straight. We talked off and on a little bit the next day, and then he told me he had come to a decision, so I drove out to him, and we went on a drive. He told me he still wanted to be my friend, but didn't want to be with everyone. His reason was he wanted to take time for himself, and that he didn't want to hurt me or himself. I lost it, broke down, was literally begging him to reconsider. We fought and fought. Now don't get me wrong I am fine with him wanting to take time for himself, but it made no sense to me, because just 24 hours before he was telling me he loved me with all his heart, and he wanted to fight for us. What happened in those 24 hours? Now I will admit where I'm wrong, and I'm not gunna lie, I went all psycho ex. I was desperate trying everything I could to save this. Now he won't even talk to me. I feel so lost without him, like my other half is gone. During that fight i told him everything I was feeling. Over the next few days I did tell him the one thing I kept from him. I know secrets in a relationship are bad, but I had a reason. You see I have been dealing with medical issues, which he knew that, but I kept the big part from him. They had been testing me for testicular cancer. He was wondering why I had been so depressed lately, and that was the source. I have since told him about all this, and he seemed like he didn't even care. The reason I kept it from him is because his grandfather just got diagnosed with skin cancer, and his best friend is being tested for cancer, so I didn't want to add another to him. I planned on telling him once I had the answers, which thankfully I am fine. Over the past few days more drama has come my way. I am being told by reliable sources that he said I pushed him into all this, and that now he doesn't really want anything to do with me, because I tried saving us. Like I said I did go psycho ex, and I will own up to that. He doesn't want to talk to me, because I wasn't giving him time. I feel horrible about it all. He told this person that he doesn't even miss me. I feel so used honestly, like I was a rebound for his last ex. I honestly wonder what all was a lie in our relationship. Now I am not trying to make him out to be the bad guy, because we are both guilty of things. I am now not bothering to message or communicate with him, to try and give him time. I just so badly want to fix this all. I feel like I have lost my best friend. His roommate is one of my closest friends as well and she will barely speak to me. I just I'm not sure what to do at this point. I don't know what to do to show him I care, and let him know I didn't intend to push him away. I just feel lost. Any tips? I seriously feel like a horrible person right now. It makes me feel terrible knowing hes fine while I'm a wreck. What should I do? I want to save my relationship, or at least my friendship, he and I were best friends before this.
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I suspect he isn't as 'fine' as he may lead you to think. As a general rule, take anything anyone else tells you about how he is or what he says with a large lump of salt.
My advice: Just step back and play it as cool as you can. 'Cool' is not 'cold'. Memechose is the expert on 'cool'. Sometimes you just have to step back, take a deep breath, try and disentangle all your own feelings and get a little perspective on yourself and the relationship. Sometimes there are huge blowups in relationships and it takes time for the dust to settle and for everyone to find out where they really are, what they really feel, beyond the emotional upset. Sometimes these things can be worked out. Sometimes not. But for sure trying to 'force' something (as you now see) isn't going to work--or, even if it did, it wouldn't work for long.
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MikeW Wrote:I suspect he isn't as 'fine' as he may lead you to think. As a general rule, take anything anyone else tells you about how he is or what he says with a large lump of salt.
My advice: Just step back and play it as cool as you can. 'Cool' is not 'cold'. Memechose is the expert on 'cool'. Sometimes you just have to step back, take a deep breath, try and disentangle all your own feelings and get a little perspective on yourself and the relationship. Sometimes there are huge blowups in relationships and it takes time for the dust to settle and for everyone to find out where they really are, what they really feel, beyond the emotional upset. Sometimes these things can be worked out. Sometimes not. But for sure trying to 'force' something (as you now see) isn't going to work--or, even if it did, it wouldn't work for long.
This is what I'm trying to do. One of my co workers was talking to him, and he told him that I pushed him away, and that there were things about me he couldnt deal with and things about me that made him uncomfortable. Not gunna lie it bugs me because I just don't see why he couldn't just tell me, so we could work on our problmes.
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TwistedxD Wrote:This is what I'm trying to do. One of my co workers was talking to him, and he told him that I pushed him away, and that there were things about me he couldnt deal with and things about me that made him uncomfortable. Not gunna lie it bugs me because I just don't see why he couldn't just tell me, so we could work on our problmes.
Some people chose not to work things out as it creates an easy escape route for them to flee back to their ex. If they feel like you have the problem and the relationship is beyond repair then they ultimately feel better about ending it and going back to an old flame, no matter how untrue the lie is.
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TwistedxD Wrote:He told me he still wanted to be my friend, but didn't want to be with everyone. His reason was he wanted to take time for himself, and that he didn't want to hurt me or himself. I lost it, broke down, was literally begging him to reconsider. We fought and fought.
Now don't get me wrong I am fine with him wanting to take time for himself, but it made no sense to me, because just 24 hours before he was telling me he loved me with all his heart, and he wanted to fight for us.
I went all psycho ex. I was desperate trying everything I could to save this. Now he won't even talk to me. I feel so lost without him, like my other half is gone. During that fight i told him everything I was feeling.
Over the next few days I did tell him the one thing I kept from him. I know secrets in a relationship are bad, but I had a reason. You see I have been dealing with medical issues, which he knew that, but I kept the big part from him. They had been testing me for testicular cancer. He was wondering why I had been so depressed lately, and that was the source. I have since told him about all this, and he seemed like he didn't even care.
he said I pushed him into all this, and that now he doesn't really want anything to do with me, because I tried saving us. Like I said I did go psycho ex, and I will own up to that. He doesn't want to talk to me, because I wasn't giving him time.
I just I'm not sure what to do at this point. I don't know what to do to show him I care, and let him know I didn't intend to push him away.
I just feel lost. Any tips?
I cut out the parts of your post that I wanted to accentuate. That's what the quote above is.
This? All this above? It's drama. He felt lost and vulnerable and, instead of giving him time to get his head on straight, you essentially attacked him with a barrage of drama, yeah? Even the medical issues, in this situation it could easily be viewed as a ploy to get him back (not saying it was, just what it could look like from his view).
It's not surprising, therefore, that he wants MORE distance than he initially requested. He's trying to get away from the drama.
What should you do? MikeW said it best.
MikeW Wrote:Sometimes you just have to step back, take a deep breath, try and disentangle all your own feelings and get a little perspective on yourself and the relationship.
You need to examine not just the relationship but, IMO... do a little work on yourself as well. Being alone is not the worst thing in the world. As much as you may love him? You need to work on yourself during this time. Find the confidence to be your own man, to be independent. To realize that being alone isn't the end of the world.
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If you have to find out what he thinks or how he feels from other people something else is wrong....
If it were me...and I found out from someone else what he was thinking or feeling and it had to do with "us"...and he didn't tell me...I wouldn't be wondering how to get back with him. I would be wondering how I could have nothing to do with him from now on and the best way to go about it. I would give up mutual friends if that is what it took.
That's me though.... you gotta do what is right for you...
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TwisttheLeaf Wrote:I cut out the parts of your post that I wanted to accentuate. That's what the quote above is.
This? All this above? It's drama. He felt lost and vulnerable and, instead of giving him time to get his head on straight, you essentially attacked him with a barrage of drama, yeah? Even the medical issues, in this situation it could easily be viewed as a ploy to get him back (not saying it was, just what it could look like from his view).
It's not surprising, therefore, that he wants MORE distance than he initially requested. He's trying to get away from the drama.
What should you do? MikeW said it best.
You need to examine not just the relationship but, IMO... do a little work on yourself as well. Being alone is not the worst thing in the world. As much as you may love him? You need to work on yourself during this time. Find the confidence to be your own man, to be independent. To realize that being alone isn't the end of the world.
I agree with you, it is drama. I probobly did explain poorly. I did want him to know it wasn't a ploy. He did want to know about it he said, and was glad I told him. I explained to him why I decided to tell him, and he did thank me for that. I also will admit where I was wrong, and pretty much at this point I am punishing myself for it all. I think the reason it is hitting me so hard, not only because I do love him, but because this is my first relationship in 5 years. I spent so much time building my walls, and finding myself, getting to the point of being happy on my own, just to mess it up, if that makes any sense.
So now I am just leaving him alone. I no longer have any contact. I am at the point I gave up, and I will survive.
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When the relationship on one door closes, the opportunity for a new one opens. That period in-between the doors closing and opening can be hard to get thought, and you did what most people do which is to analyse every detail of the relationship to find out where it all went wrong, the signs you missed etc.
Your through the hard part. You've accepted its over and stopped pursuing him, which can only be a good thing. Now delete his numbers/email address/social networks from your life and move on.
Life, as always goes on and doesn't wait for anyone. Take your experiences of this relationship and use them to build on the next one.
Good Luck,
ObW
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Your (Ex) has no clue what he wants....
He is flakey and unstable and is about to succeed in making you a carbon copy of himself if you do not find a way to put this unfortunate situation to rest.
It hurts...and it's awful..
This is usually the outcome when selfishness prevails.
Reach for those boot straps... pick yourself up and move forward.
Hugz and good luck.
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