How to move on

[S1mpl3]

Hi all,

I need some advice

I posted in another category and got a few replies, all helpful.

Here's the thing. Guy I was seeing travels abroad. Things get odd between us (lack of affection) and yesterday, I find out he's started dating a girl were both into. Because we've both got African heritage, we're closeted bisexuals. I can kind of understand the freedom he has with his relationship now because he can post pics of him and the lady on Instagram and Facebook, things he couldn't do with me. It doesn't stop it from hurting. We haven't officially broken up. I asked him if we were cool before he posted these pics and he said we were, that absolutely nothing was wrong.

I want to know how best to move on from this. Usually there's a purge but is that overreacting now? Should I have a conversation with him first? He always has a story for everything this one and I don't think he is 100% honest. I should say, I've never been in a guy-guy relationship before. I just know I want to get past this.

[Bhp91126]

Cool it with the "let's remain friends" idea and don't make any dates with him for some time, no flirty texts, no innuendos.
Do stuff with your other friends for a while and don't think about dating. If you ever wanted to try something new, like a cooking class or so, now's the time.
Moving on takes time, so, don't beat yourself up when you catch yourself missing him.

[ExpatBrit77]

to be honest I have a similar situation. I was friends with a guy for many years, essentially we were both keen on each other - very keen in my case, to the point that I realised too late that actually I had fallen in love with him. Unfortunately it took him moving to the US for me to realise this.
I will state in my defence that all the time we knew each other he was with someone.
anyway, we kept in touch and at one point I visited him in the States (I was there with work anyway) and he confesses that he often thinks of me and wonders what "might have been" (as I do, more often than I care to admit). But in the same breath he chooses to mention that he's met someone and they're getting married.....
this was about a year ago and I will confess that it's only thanks to therapy (recently) and giving myself time and space away from him that I'm able to get my head straight.

Getting over him will take time. In the meantime don't give yourself a guilt trip when it doesn't happen as you feel that it "should".

[TwisttheLeaf]

Cool it with the "let's remain friends" idea and don't make any dates with him for some time, no flirty texts, no innuendos.
Do stuff with your other friends for a while and don't think about dating. If you ever wanted to try something new, like a cooking class or so, now's the time.
Moving on takes time, so, don't beat yourself up when you catch yourself missing him.

^^
This. Absoutely.

It's going to hurt for a while, and letting yourself be around him while you're trying to heal is just going to set back the process. Give -yourself- some TLC and time for a bit, yeah?

[ChadCoxRox]

When I was your age I would have got my own girlfriend and kept my friendship with him. If I was "falling in love" with him I'd tell him it was going to be a challenge to distance to protect the friendship but something I'd want to try rather than part with hurt feelings. You are not clear but it sounds like the relationship was more to you than it was to him. If so, distancing yourself and focusing on your own pursuits are the best advice as said but this does not mean the end of the friendship. I will add that as I matured and had more experience I became MUCH more monogamous and learned to not allow myself to became involved in a relationship that was not clearly defined openly before proceeding. I got laid a lot less but I had a lot less heartache too! That said, I would NOT give up the sexual experiences I had experimenting and trying out many escapades as safely as I could. Live and learn dear. Don't be afraid to get hurt or take some risk....

[S1mpl3]

Thanks a lot, guys!

It was a rough weekend but I'm getting better now. I'm gonna learn my lessons from this one and be better with the next one. We still haven't broken up and the affections returned but I'm taking it with a pinch of salt for now.

[ETOTE]

ok,

I'm confused (easy to accomplish, happens easily and frequently). you say you haven't broken up and the affections have returned.
so does that mean he is then cheating on the girl he is dating with you?

are you both in a relationship with each other?
would that not mean he is cheating on you with the girl?

closeted or not, sounds like you have it in your head that you are in a monogamous relationship with this guy where he just sees it as a fwb thing.

also, if you're both closeted bisexuals and in a relationship with this dude, why does your profile say single, gay? what does having African heritage have to do with anything?

does this girl know of his interest in guys and the stuff he is doing and did with you?

not trying to be mean here, just sounds like you both are being dishonest about many things to many people and this poor girl is a clueless beard being used for social reasons to keep your closet doors closed tight.

something about all this is not sitting right with me.

[S1mpl3]

ok,

I'm confused (easy to accomplish, happens easily and frequently). you say you haven't broken up and the affections have returned.
so does that mean he is then cheating on the girl he is dating with you?

are you both in a relationship with each other?
would that not mean he is cheating on you with the girl?

closeted or not, sounds like you have it in your head that you are in a monogamous relationship with this guy where he just sees it as a fwb thing.

also, if you're both closeted bisexuals and in a relationship with this dude, why does your profile say single, gay? what does having African heritage have to do with anything?

does this girl know of his interest in guys and the stuff he is doing and did with you?

not trying to be mean here, just sounds like you both are being dishonest about many things to many people and this poor girl is a clueless beard being used for social reasons to keep your closet doors closed tight.

something about all this is not sitting right with me.

1) Yes probably. If it means more to him than flirting
2) We didn't define much but the whole purpose of this is I thought he was doing so
3) I may be the only one who thinks I'm in a relationship here
4) I just put whatever on my profile (I personally think I'm more gay than bisexual though)
5) Africans have a lot of homophobia
6) No idea if she knows
7) Would suck if that were the case (she being a beard) but I wasn't involved in that decision

[ETOTE]

^if he's still going to date her, you may want to consider having a little talk with him about getting some clearer understanding as to what you two are: fwb, fling or pseudo-relationship?

Just as a matter observation, if you are both in the closet, trying to have a relationship is prob not the best thing to do atm until you both come to an acceptance about yourselves with yourselves individually.

Maybe even ask him if he would think it best to take a little break if he is going to continue seeing the girl.

Do what is best for you right now so you are not going to get hurt here. You can still be friends with him, just get a better understanding of where you stand and what he really wants.

[50Plus]

ok,
this poor girl is a clueless beard being used for social reasons to .

What does this mean? I have never heard of the phrase before. I need to know prior to using it on the female employees at work . Yes, I am a bastard. heee heee