Hi. This is my first time posting to any type of website like this. I really need help, and I can't talk about this with anyone, and have been holding it inside for a VERY long time.
I am a 19 year old male, who has an extreme sexual attraction towards older men (45 years or older.) I have had this attraction for a while now, and have acted on it many times. When i was about 16, I had my first gay experience with my friend at the time who was my age. I had always thought I was straight up until that point, but I enjoyed it. I started exploring different types of men and found older men overwhelmingly attractive. I will say that I have a very addictive personality, and so once I start to enjoy something its hard for me to stop. I met up with a guy before going away to college and assumed it was just a phase and got over it. After going off to college, I met up with many more and 2 years later I have probably had sexual encounters with 8-9 older men. I do not just meet up with these men, but for some reason or another I want to be submissive (or dominated) by these men. I always play safe, diseases are not my concern.
I am so disgusted with who I have become and what I have done. It has even gotten to the point where I hate myself and recently have been having many suicidal thoughts. The worst thing is this is so taboo and so unheard of that I cannot talk to anyone I know about it. I am undergoing severe depression and find it hard to go about daily things such a work and talking to my friends. Nobody has to go through anything even remotely similar to this, and all of my friends talk about how hot girls are at parties, and I agree with them half heartedly.
I am a really normal looking 19 year old. I go to college and study engineering, play sports, and have many very normal friends who are in fraternities/sororities, are in clubs, go to parties, and who are very outgoing individuals. I have a decent home life, although me and my father have never gotten along and don't have a great relationship. I am pretty smart, and do well in school. Nobody would ever expect me to be gay, let alone attracted to older men. I don't know what to do or who to turn to. I just want to be normal. I would really appreciate any help. Thank you for reading.
What upsets me the most is that I'm worried about my future. I might eventually be able to accept that i'm gay even though im not 100% sure, but I dont want to wait 20 years for a relationship. I feel like ive already missed out on a lot of life, all of my friends are either in relationships or have had them in the past and heres me, never having been in one cause i dont know if im straight or not. I might be able to tell me family and friends that im gay, but that all i like are older men... no way. Any help/advice is really appreciated. Please no condescending comments.
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I find this strange, not the fact that you like older men but that you are so concerned about it. Putting the "taboo" issue aside (and honestly, this wouldn't be any kind of a taboo if you happened to be female, I call double standards!), what is it precisely about liking older men you're bothered about?
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Aike Wrote:I find this strange, not the fact that you like older men but that you are so concerned about it. Putting the "taboo" issue aside (and honestly, this wouldn't be any kind of a taboo if you happened to be female, I call double standards!), what is it precisely about liking older men you're bothered about?
Its not the fact that I like older men that I am concerned about. I really am attracted to them but after we have our fun I tend to feel more guilty than happy (although I do enjoy it while it is happening.) And I force myself to not meet anyone else for a while, 5 months+, but then I just am unable to stop myself. I think what bothers me the most is thinking about my future, and how although this may be fun now I am pretty disgusted with myself and don't know whats going to happen in the long run.
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This seems to be because you're not suited for casual sex. I'm the same way. I often fantasize about it, but it leaves me feeling unfulfilled. Reality is very different from my fantasy. I don't think casual sex morally wrong or anything, it's just not for me.
What do you think about that?
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I've met some guys around your age who are attracted to older men and liked them all. All were intelligent, mature and interesting. When you start worrying about what is taboo what you're really doing is letting other people, even strangers, have more control over your happiness than yourself.
You've found the best forum to be in. People here are the best I've found. They'd have to be to put up with me.
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What uneunsae says is very true. Have you dated an older man, or just had sex with them? There is a difference and this could be a cause for the problem.
You said "I feel like ive already missed out on a lot of life". You have not. You have just started living. Is there some guilt in that the 'casual sex' is wasting time and not resulting in a long term relationship?
Saying "Please no condescending comments" on a public forum? Really? You will get comments, condescending and otherwise. Read them. All of them. There will be nuggets of information and help in each and everyone.
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I was the same age as you when I met my husband who was 20 years older than me,,, so I suppose you can say I liked older men when I was young. I'm now 58 and my hubby is 78.
It sounds like you have three problems that your having difficulty dealing with at the moment;
1. Your not sure about your sexual orientation.
2. Your attraction to older men.
3. Your feeling stuck because you haven't been able to form a long term relationship due to your not being sure if your 100% gay.
Sexual orientation can best be understood by knowing what sex your most attracted to on a physical & emotional level. Put simply: If you have or can fall in love with a male, then your gay. If you have or can fall in love with a male and a female, then you Bi-sexual... If you have or can fall in love with a female but not a male, then your Heterosexual.
Being attracted to older guys is not a taboo,,, and is more common than you may realize. I prefer to tell people that I'm attracted to the more mature men (smile) They are more settled, less judgmental, and the best part - they don't fumble around in the bed trying to decide what to do next!!!! (Big Grin)
You should also keep in mind that what you find attractive in a man right now,,,, may change as you get older. You may become attracted to younger guys when you reach my age bracket.
My suggestion is not to over analyze your sexuality or attractions,, in order to reach a quick solution. It may take time for you to become fully aware of your own feelings. Some of us know in our early teens what our sexual orientation is, and some people take a little longer to figure it all out. You are wise by not getting into a committed relationship until you know exactly what you want.
Best of luck,
Jim
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jimcrackcorn Wrote:I was the same age as you when I met my husband who was 20 years older than me,,, so I suppose you can say I liked older men when I was young. I'm now 58 and my hubby is 78.
It sounds like you have three problems that your having difficulty dealing with at the moment;
1. Your not sure about your sexual orientation.
2. Your attraction to older men.
3. Your feeling stuck because you haven't been able to form a long term relationship due to your not being sure if your 100% gay.
Sexual orientation can best be understood by knowing what sex your most attracted to on a physical & emotional level. Put simply: If you have or can fall in love with a male, then your gay. If you have or can fall in love with a male and a female, then you Bi-sexual... If you have or can fall in love with a female but not a male, then your Heterosexual.
Being attracted to older guys is not a taboo,,, and is more common than you may realize. I prefer to tell people that I'm attracted to the more mature men (smile) They are more settled, less judgmental, and the best part - they don't fumble around in the bed trying to decide what to do next!!!! (Big Grin)
You should also keep in mind that what you find attractive in a man right now,,,, may change as you get older. You may become attracted to younger guys when you reach my age bracket.
My suggestion is not to over analyze your sexuality or attractions,, in order to reach a quick solution. It may take time for you to become fully aware of your own feelings. Some of us know in our early teens what our sexual orientation is, and some people take a little longer to figure it all out. You are wise by not getting into a committed relationship until you know exactly what you want.
Best of luck,
Jim
Thank you so much for your thoughtful response. I guess what I am scared of is this: I feel that I might just be attracted to older men because it is taboo and because, although I'm not entirely sure, maybe because I had a horrible relationship to my father. What is scary though is the STRONG sexual attraction that I have towards them. And its been almost 3 years, it doesn't seem like its going away. I like women and can easily see myself having a relationship with one. One girl that I spend a lot of time with I get kind of emotional and become very attracted to her. But I am nervous that if it got to the point where we were about to do something sexual, whether it be a month or in 5 years I'm not sure if I could perform.. The one and only time I was in bed with a girl before, I could not 'get it up,' and it was very embarrassing. I also dont get an erection from girls naked although if i start trying for a minute or two it will come, while I get an automatic one from older men. I guess you can say I'm just really confused, and I don't want to fool a girl if its not going to work out.
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I'm an older guy (48) and I'm constantly getting kids (18 (I hope) through 20's) making suggestive comments and even bluntly telling me they want to have sex with me.
So this idea that attraction to older guys is something wrong is only based on a society that refuses to accept the reality that a lot of 'kids' want old, old, men to play with.
The just sex part may be the real problem here. Thus far you talk about sex, have you had a relationship?'
You know that is sorta call back for sex again, but with other things like love, romance, companionship, etc.
When you meet that one special guy that floats your whole world, that guilt thing comes to a crashing end. Usually. Unless you have been abused viciously by society and have serious issues over sex, homosexuality and stuff.
Guilt may also be a manifestation of your own secret desire to have a relationship, something meaningful and you feel that you are cheapening sex and yourself with each new casual connection you make, so you come away feeling used and not completely satisfied....
Sex is sort of sedative in a way... We tend to forget aches and pains and consequences during sex - so its typical that after the dirty deed is done that that sedative effect wears off. So maybe you should try keeping it in the pants and striking up a friendship potential relationship with the next guy and see how you feel about yourself and the idea of sex with him after a date or two... And honest assessment of sex, not 'I sure bet he's hot in bed.... 
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I know the feeling of "missing out" very well, as you described it in the last paragraph. I would suggest getting to know people who you have no doubt will accept you for who you are, and then come out to them when you gather up enough courage. Once you have good friends, those feelings of "missing out" start to fade away. I mean, they might stick around, and they might even re-surface once in a while, but they'll be far less intense.
As for being attracted to older men, there's really nothing wrong with that. As Bowyn said, all it boils down to is that our society doesn't like the idea of and older guy being with a younger guy, let alone two guys being sexually/romantically involved in the first place.
Hope you start feeling alright soon, and that your situation will change for the better. Which it will.
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