Really need help

[deepu69]

You are not doing anything wrong.
In fact, to act upon your basic instinct in an attempt to discover yourself needs a lot of courage. In my opinion most of them don't do it and are happy conforming to the established norms, sticking to the 'normal' and avoiding taboos. Don't worry.
Keep faith, you will find your man. No matter how long it takes, it will be worth the wait.

[ETOTE]

ok,

will try to address the many things going on here.

First,

welcome to GS. Please don't kill yourself.

I am a 19 year old male, who has an extreme sexual attraction towards older men (45 years or older.)

although me and my father have never gotten along and don't have a great relationship.

I find that curiously interesting. Not to break into outdated psycho babble about the absent father causing homosexuality... however, if the old adage is true pertaining to hetero relationships that "we marry our mothers or fathers" etc, it would make sense that issues with parents can play a role in our relationships as adults... something to ponder

I am so disgusted with who I have become and what I have done. It has even gotten to the point where I hate myself and recently have been having many suicidal thoughts. The worst thing is this is so taboo and so unheard of that I cannot talk to anyone I know about it. I am undergoing severe depression and find it hard to go about daily things such a work and talking to my friends. Nobody has to go through anything even remotely similar to this, and all of my friends talk about how hot girls are at parties, and I agree with them half heartedly.

so no one in your circle is going through this then. Because it's not taboo and not unheard of. But it sounds like you are saying it's taboo and unheard of in your circle.

You need to get help, get in touch with a suicide hotline or support group.
Also you may want to consider seeking a therapist to help you work this out and help you deal with the depression.

I am a really normal looking 19 year old. I go to college and study engineering, play sports, and have many very normal friends who are in fraternities/sororities, are in clubs, go to parties, and who are very outgoing individuals. I have a decent home life, I am pretty smart, and do well in school. Nobody would ever expect me to be gay, let alone attracted to older men. I don't know what to do or who to turn to. I just want to be normal. I would really appreciate any help. Thank you for reading.

You keep mentioning things that lead me to conclude that in your life and the people in your life see being gay or even bi as being abnormal and weird and they would not accept it or accept you if you came out. What I see here is you are allowing the hetero-normative expectations of our society dictate your thinking and you are feeling like you don't want to be this way but can't help it....

That is normal if you are not thinking for yourself, but just be aware that other people's expectations mean nothing to you or the person you may fall in love with.

What upsets me the most is that I'm worried about my future. I might eventually be able to accept that i'm gay even though im not 100% sure, but I dont want to wait 20 years for a relationship. I feel like ive already missed out on a lot of life, all of my friends are either in relationships or have had them in the past and heres me, never having been in one cause i dont know if im straight or not. I might be able to tell me family and friends that im gay, but that all i like are older men... no way. Any help/advice is really appreciated. Please no condescending comments.

why do you have to be straight to be in a relationship?
why do you have to be in a relationship at all?
have you ever been with a girl?

you are clearly struggling with your sexuality but I feel this struggle is based on false guilt imposed by those around you, reinforced by our culture and those unrealistic societal expectations that do not reflect YOUR reality.

don't let pressures from friends and family or self imposed pressures of wanting to fit in and be like everyone else hinder you from experiencing your life to the fullest.

why do you have to wait 20 years for a relationship?

take a break from the things you are doing and just examine your feelings, don't worry about any labels right now or coming out to anyone, just take it one step at a time and come to a comfort level and acceptance with yourself first before trying anything more with anyone or being in a relationship just yet. Just enjoy your freedom right now.

But def still get some help about suicide and depression.

[Borg69]

I think you have internalized homophobia. You resent being gay psychologically, until your biological cravings win out and you give into them causing the whole cycle all over. If you're gay, you're gay. Stop fighting it and accept yourself. Go make some gay friends who can relate to you whom you can be yourself around.

[17vs41]

I have the opposite problem that you have. Im in my 40's and attracted to younger dudes and this isnt easy to accept or deal with. And i too would never tell anyone. But that is just who youre attracted to, so enjoy it.

[TwisttheLeaf]

I think you have internalized homophobia. You resent being gay psychologically, until your biological cravings win out and you give into them causing the whole cycle all over. If you're gay, you're gay. Stop fighting it and accept yourself. Go make some gay friends who can relate to you whom you can be yourself around.

^^
This pretty much says what I would have said, but much more succinctly than I would have said it.

1) There is nothing wrong with being attracted to older guys. In fact, especially with younger men who are interested in more than just "hook ups", it's rather common.

2) Why in the world would you have to be straight to be in a relationship?? Plenty of gay men enter into committed relationships with each other. Hell, even here on this board we have a number of men that have been in long-term relationships and/or are married.

3) There's nothing wrong with wanting a relationship with a man instead of a woman. It's not an "excursion" away from your path in life. It's not an "abnormality" to "get out of your system" and get over then "move on" from. I really suggest you do some self examination and figure out why you are so prejudice against the idea of being gay and/or homosexuality in general.

[Cuddly]

I was 17 when I met my (now husbear!) sexybear (47!) online. I was just another average guy, in the closet, when I went to meet him after a few months of chat (and webcam sex...)

I am also very attracted to older men. Particularly hairy ones. A white beard on a cute face with a heartwarming smile literally melts my body proper, while solidifying my sexpole.

I came out a few months after I met him the first (and second) time and told my family and friends about him a few weeks later. It's two things to swallow (well 3 really!),
#1, I'm gay.
#2, I have a boyfriend.
#3, he's your age mum....
I'm now 25 and I've lived with this guy since I was 20. After I finished school I moved in with him. So we've lived together for 5 years and been together for 7 (and a half!).

My mum and my husbear are best of friends. And my family as a whole have fully accepted us both. I've had lots of questions over the years; "why him?" "why does he like you?", but it was never an uphill battle. People were much more accepting and goodwilled than I feared. Even my new neighbours and my class mates.
Either I am lucky and surround myself with the best people the world has to offer, or the world is generally more accepting than we fear.

So, my advice to you dear seekingadvice, is to find out what you want and then go for it. You're just another chaser , there's no need to feel bad about that. There are people who feel exactly like you do, all over the world.
There's just one important thing you need to remember, as Uneunsae also pointed out, there's a big difference between fantasy and real life. For instance, I like the fantasy of having sex with random bears and many of them at once. I like the fantasy of being tied down and dominated, to the point of abuse. But in reality, I like neither of those. In reality I like to go to bed with my teddy. Cuddle on the couch with my teddy. Watch the sun go down with my teddy. Walk our dog along the beach with my teddy, hand in hand. We have a very passionate sexlife, don't get me wrong, but we're exclussively monogamous and I wouldn't want it any other way, despite my fantasies.
Oh and about suicide, would you really rather throw the one and only life you have away, than live your life the way you see fit, with or without the crude judgment of your family/friends?

What's the absolutely worst that could happen? The worst is that you die. The second worst is that your family and friends all shun you, which is VERY unlikely! They love you and will continue to love you, just as you are. In fact they'll probably love you more, as you will become a much happier person, if you're truthful to yourself and those around you. The third worst is that a few family members and/or friends shun you. I sadly lost my best friend when I told him about me. He couldn't handle it. Which surprised me........
That just goes to show, you cannot gauge the reaction you're going to get.

Oh and total bonus info sidestory! When I came out to my mum, she was fine with it. She had picked me up after a show of gymnastics and we were headed home in the car. I told her I had two things to tell her, first that I love her very much (I am not the kind of person who says this, in fact I've never said it before or since (to anyone but my husbear!)), second that I'm gay. She was fine with it. She asked me some questions of how long I've known and stuff like that..
Later on, hours or days, not sure, I talked to her about it again while she was sitting down in her home office. She started crying and told me she was so afraid that I'd get sick. I didn't really understand at the time and just assumed it was a cover, like as if she really wanted me to be straight or whatever.. We had (to my knowledge at the time) never had homosexuals in our family or among our friends etc., so this whole "you'll get sick" thing kind of came out of the blue, which is why I thought it was a cover for some other reason.
But! As it turned out my mothers older sister, my favourite aunt, had a boyfriend when she was younger. And he was gay. He died of AIDS.... My aunt was devastated, ofcourse. He was a dear dear friend of hers.
I found out about this, literally a week ago. Why was I never told?!?!??!?!?!?!! That's relevant info for the "only gay in the village"!

[seekingadvice]

wow thank you so much guys for all the great replies. I think I am just going to refrain from meeting people no matter what urges i have for a while and figure out myself. I feel as if I might be reaching out to these older men because I am looking for a release and feel that this is the easiest way to get it. As far as being submissive, I don't really know why? It could be because I want to punish myself for what I have done. Because I am not submissive, actually more bold in every day life. Next school year I am going to start to see a psychiatrist and try and get to the root of my problems. I have no real issue if I were gay, however I need to figure out what my sexuality is before making any further decisions. I talked to my mom about some of my problems, not all, and that helped me. Possibly if I start seeing life in a more positive way and get help with my depression I can figure out myself. Any suggestions as to what to do when I get these 'urges' rather than what i have been doing?

[Borg69]

Maybe psychologically you're submissive to these guys so you don't have to take blame for wanting it. "I didn't want it... it just happened. HE did it to me. I'm a victim! ". That makes him the sinner and you retain your innocence with a faux lack of intent.

[50Plus]

wow thank you so much guys for all the great replies. I think I am just going to refrain from meeting people no matter what urges i have for a while and figure out myself. I feel as if I might be reaching out to these older men because I am looking for a release and feel that this is the easiest way to get it. As far as being submissive, I don't really know why? It could be because I want to punish myself for what I have done. Because I am not submissive, actually more bold in every day life. Next school year I am going to start to see a psychiatrist and try and get to the root of my problems. I have no real issue if I were gay, however I need to figure out what my sexuality is before making any further decisions. I talked to my mom about some of my problems, not all, and that helped me. Possibly if I start seeing life in a more positive way and get help with my depression I can figure out myself. Any suggestions as to what to do when I get these 'urges' rather than what i have been doing?

Awesome news. Good luck with the self discovery - my journey of self discovery started when I was your age and it continues to this day. It is an awesomely brilliant journey.

jb

[Borg69]

I just thought of something... you're the fat girl with the love/hate relationship with chocolate cake. You want it, you deny yourself, well maybe just one piece, you gorge yourself on the whole thing in a dark closet where no one can see you, then beat yourself up over it resolved to do better on your diet... tomorrow.