bilkiba Wrote:Well... people don't have to be pretty for you to get to know them and come to love them. In fact, they usually aren't. The first time I saw my partner, I didn't like anything about her looks. Not a single thing. I came to like her looks AFTER I started falling in love with her. And I kept talking to her after the initial meeting because she is fun and smart and entertaining to be around... looks had absolutely NOTHING to do with us getting together. I myself am far from attractive. I'm overweight and hairy, that doesn't look good on women ever. But that doesn't matter, because my partner came to love me the same way I came to love her... We met on a forum, for crying out loud.
And don't try to pull "that's different because you're women" because it's NOT. Women and men are just as likely to be superficial as each other, and just because the men around you are superficial does not mean all gay men are. If people are interested in a relationship of any kind, then your looks won't be a factor, at least not if that person and you will actually have any emotional connection. Meaning if you can't find anyone because they're all superficial, you don't want those people anyway, so why even worry about them? Why make a thread about them? Why ask "do most gay men always look for someone "better"?" if you don't want people to answer you with their own observations if they happen to contradict yours?
^^^ THIS ^^^
When I became involved in a very unhealthy pseudo threesome relationship with a married couple a couple years ago that I am free of now, thankfully , I had no attraction to either one of them. In fact I thought the dude was an ugly dork and the chick was a plain Jane stuck up snob who I felt was not as attractive as she thought she was.
Soon after meeting them and getting to know them both however, I became physically attracted to them because I had a deep emotional connection to them, it was to the point I popped wood even just thinking about them and leaked pre-cum just being near them and hanging out with them. The three of us were so hot for each other, it was like a drug addiction. Their physicality in all it's flaws became adorable and cute to me and made me just love and appreciate them both more.
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I just found a post I made back in February of this year http://gayspeak.com/showthread.php?t=30155 ...It is pertinent to this thread and my experience with one individual.....take from it what you will...
I was taken in once (well...many times...I am just using this one...and the last... example) from a guy who was always thinking he was too fat and ugly and "gay men" were assholes so I spent a good year + helping him see himself in a more positive light...lose weight...lose the attitude...and he had an amazing transformation. A lot of guys started having an interest in him...he thought it was the weight but I definitely think it was the attitude....
...and then he hit me with a shocker one day when he whined about the men he was interested in weren't interested in him and he thought the guys who were interested in him were "too ugly". HE was the same guy he complained about for so long....
I realized I had wasted my time. I didn't like it but I finally got it though my head that the problem was never with the other guys.
Attitude is everything IMO.
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I wont be forgetting that
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To start with, you say "lose weight" like it's that easy. I still maintain that generally the gay community is more interested in seeing guys who are on the skinnier side on the scale, on the more looking side of the scale, etc. etc. But clearly I am in the minority.
what I find particularly disturbing in this and other threads, is the basic lack of humanity shown by those who maintain that "no, gays are not superficial than straights" towards the others.
Yes, we all have it in our power to try to change our attitudes and think more positively. But do you guys REALLY think it is that straightforward? As much as we would love to think otherwise, people's self-esteem GENERALLY comes from (usually indirect) conformation from others. And no, I'm not saying that we should be constantly desperate for others' approval. and yes, we SHOULD be in a position to wake up one morning and go "oh, it's a lovely day, I think I'll have a change in attitude and be positive" but even so.
When you have spent years being told that you are too fat and not good looking enoguh (whether explicitly by some he bitch saying "you're too ugly" or implicitly by years of no dating), how easy do you think it is to suddenly have a very positive attitude. As if losing some weight and getting a new wardrobe is going to change that overnight.
I'm not saying that you guys don't have a point, but the OP has obviously been hurt by this "community" of ours. And I do sometimes wonder that a little compassion wouldn't go amiss.
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^^^^
The absolute single kindest thing anyone ever did for me was to kick my ass when I was throwing myself a pity party...
I was 100 miles into "It's Not Fair" territory when he brought me back...
I will always be grateful to him.....
Of course....I was capable of being grateful for something and I was capable of being humble....,.not sure if either/or is a requirement or not....
I kick my own ass now and I am harder on myself that you could ever be. The OP would do well to kick his own ass to...just sayin'......
The "image" of nice isn't always real.....
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Oh sorry, my bad, I am evil for daring to suggest being gay is not the answer to everyone's problems....
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ExpatBrit77 Wrote:Oh sorry, my bad, I am evil for daring to suggest being gay is not the answer to everyone's problems....
HUH?????
I'm afraid to ask how you arrived at that point...
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ExpatBrit77 Wrote:To start with, you say "lose weight" like it's that easy. I still maintain that generally the gay community is more interested in seeing guys who are on the skinnier side on the scale, on the more looking side of the scale, etc. etc. But clearly I am in the minority.
what I find particularly disturbing in this and other threads, is the basic lack of humanity shown by those who maintain that "no, gays are not superficial than straights" towards the others.
Yes, we all have it in our power to try to change our attitudes and think more positively. But do you guys REALLY think it is that straightforward? As much as we would love to think otherwise, people's self-esteem GENERALLY comes from (usually indirect) conformation from others. And no, I'm not saying that we should be constantly desperate for others' approval. and yes, we SHOULD be in a position to wake up one morning and go "oh, it's a lovely day, I think I'll have a change in attitude and be positive" but even so.
When you have spent years being told that you are too fat and not good looking enoguh (whether explicitly by some he bitch saying "you're too ugly" or implicitly by years of no dating), how easy do you think it is to suddenly have a very positive attitude. As if losing some weight and getting a new wardrobe is going to change that overnight.
I'm not saying that you guys don't have a point, but the OP has obviously been hurt by this "community" of ours. And I do sometimes wonder that a little compassion wouldn't go amiss.
Honestly it was pretty easy for me. I hated everything about myself, ESPECIALLY my looks up until about a month ago. I was told repeatedly a change of attitude would help and I ignored that advice, choosing instead to wallow in my self-hatred and bitterness towards the world. But then one day after hearing it for about the billionth time, I decided to give it a go, cos why the hell not? I woke up and just changed entirely, rather radically, over night. And I'd been in that funk for at least 7 years up until that point. And I have unmedicated diagnosed depression... so if I can do that, and others can't, then maybe they should be talking to mental health advisors instead of people on a forum.
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ExpatBrit77 Wrote:Oh sorry, my bad, I am evil for daring to suggest being gay is not the answer to everyone's problems....
No one said that. But being gay and choosing to instead be a closeted man to punish the gay world for its perceived superficiality accomplishes absolutely nothing.
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Wait wait wait...........
Quote:From ExpatBrit
"To start with, you say "lose weight" like it's that easy. I still maintain that generally the gay community is more interested in seeing guys who are on the skinnier side on the scale, on the more looking side of the scale, etc. etc. But clearly I am in the minority."
To Star with not one person on this thread has said anything about losing weight being easy. If you expect the entire frackin world to send you apology cards because something isn't as easy as you would like it to be... then you really are your own worst enemy. I can remember many conversations with people (like you)into who I've tried to transfuse optimism and motivation. Like others, you had a frackin prepared list of lame rationalized excuses not to come out of the closet. not to move your life to places more conducive for your own happiness, not to look for people capable of stable relationships, remaining in a culture in which you never attained what you wanted, to remain in a self created vicious circle of excuses excuses excuses excuses excuses so that you could do nothing but gripe about all the things THAT AREN'T EASY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!.
[COLOR="RoyalBlue"]To answer the color coded part above....
Now that you've brought it up
How in hell can you sit back and criticize gays for preferring " the skinnier side on the scale, on the more (good) looking side of the scale" When you and many like you all admit that you yourselves only want the cute skinny boys you hypocritically criticize others for wanting more than men like yourself???????[/COLOR]
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