Hitting On Guys Who Are Taken...

[Adam]

Recently, I've seen threads in which someone is talking about a guy he's crushing on and wanting advice on pursuing the crush, and somewhere in the middle, drops in a casual "he's married".

And it's not just here, I see it IRL too. I mentioned in another thread that my best friend's husband gets hit on a lot. And, to a lesser extent, my friend, my BF and I also do.

IDK. When I was single, if I found out that a guy was married, engaged, or in a long term relationship, he was off limits. Have things changed that much in six years? No respect, no rules, no moral code of any kind? Everyone and anyone is fair game? My friend's husband tells guys that he's married (but they already knew that) and the reply is, "So what?" I've been told that it's the responsibility of the attached guy to decline if he wants to. But why deliberately try to screw up something that two people have worked hard to create?


In what alternate universe is this OK?

[Uneunsae]

I would never hit on a married or taken man. If he approaches me, on the other hand, that's a different story.

[East]

I observed this behavior from behind the bar for years every day and though it varies from person to person...why they do it...these are just a handful of the things I observed....

Sometimes I call myself an "ethical slut" because if a guy was involved with another guy...I would not go out with them on any level. It was the same if the guy was an ex of a friend...off limits. I am too loyal for that.

Some people like to "win" stuff....anything...everything is a competition with them

Some people learned to play mommy and daddy against each other early on in their lives and never really got over it

Some people like the challenge and aren't even interested in the guy

Some people are psychic vampires and they create conflict around them and pit people against each other and after they initiate the fire and fan the flames they sit back and get off on it

Some people are just evil

Some people like to create their own soap opera

Some people love rejection so they can be a victim and they set themselves up for it by going after men who do not want them

Some people like to play puppet master with other people...especially couples... and will own whatever part of you that you don't own.

Some people who are flirting with the one person will bed them and create conflict just to get to the other

[bilkiba]

I think it's totally stupid and I would never hit on someone who's taken. I have to know the person has interest in me and is available before I'll flirt at all... but maybe people like me are "old fashioned" nowadays.

[TwisttheLeaf]

When I was single, if I found out that a guy was married, engaged, or in a long term relationship, he was off limits. Have things changed that much in six years? No respect, no rules, no moral code of any kind? Everyone and anyone is fair game? My friend's husband tells guys that he's married (but they already knew that) and the reply is, "So what?"

In what alternate universe is this OK?

I firmly believe that this is a direct result of there not being hard, fast consequences for such bad behavior.

*Shrugging* If more people got punched in the face for this kind of bullshit? It wouldn't happen.

[CellarDweller]

Karma bites back, so if you try to take someone's guy, when you get a guy yourself, you'll see how it feels when it happens to you.

[Borg69]

In my younger years when I was more adventurous and promiscuous I've slept with a few married men...

I guess I justified it in that it wasn't MY job to police their fidelity. If they wanted to cheat, they were clearly going to... either with me, or someone else. At the time I falsely saw it as an ego boost. Look what I could do! I'm so arousing I could lure straight men from their women! The taboo of it was exciting. The sneaking around, the hiding, the secret looks, winks, grins, touches... in public.

Now that I'm grown up? I still don't think it's my job to police other peoples' fidelity... BUT I want more for myself, and have higher standards for myself than to be 'used' by someone I can't have full time who has no intention of being in a real relationship with me. If I know before hand they're taken I wouldn't pursue them as I know if they'd cheat on them, they'd certainly cheat on me.

[Iceblink]

I notice the encouragement of this kind of behavior usually comes when there is a question of the person's sexual orientation that someone is going after. On the other hand, I also notice that if a person that is in a heterosexual relationship makes a thread in an online forum and is questioning their sexual orientation or is in the early stages of ending a lifetime of denial and is wishing to begin exploring same-sex sexual relations, there are people that encourage them to do so, without giving advice about first dealing with the relationship the person is already in. The odd thing is this type of encouragement often comes from people who would never think of giving the same advice to a heterosexual person who was thinking of cheating on their spouse with an opposite-gender person or a gay person with a same-gender person. I have even seen this type of encouragement/advice on these forums. Suddenly wanting to explore your bisexual or homosexual side when you are already in a relationship is not a legitimate excuse to cheat. Before exploring this other side of you, you first need to deal with the relationship you are in.

[Buzzer]

I guess I justified it in that it wasn't MY job to police their fidelity.

I feel this way as well. It's not a rationalization of homewrecking. But I do think there is a difference between going after people and not giving a crap if they're married, and being hit on by someone who isn't single-- and perhaps did or didn't reveal this up front, and suddenly you're in a "mistress" situation. And while it seems like a meaningless distinction, I've seen people castigate both parties equally for it.... only one of them was breaking vows and trust.

[Uneunsae]

Now, if I slept with a married man, that's all it would be. I would have NO illusions of a relationship whatsoever. He's cheating, for god's sake! But I've never actually done this so it's a moot point personally.