For cat owners - the bath

[LONDONER]

Cat Bathing As A Martial Art

A. Know that although the cat has the advantage of quickness and lack of concern for human life, you have the advantage of strength.

Capitalize on that advantage by selecting the battlefield. Don't try to bathe him in an open area where he can force you to chase him. Pick a very small bathroom. If your bathroom is more than four feet square, I recommend that you get in the tub with the cat and close the sliding-glass doors as if you were about to take a shower. (A simple shower curtain will not do. A berserk cat can shred a three-ply rubber shower curtain quicker than a politician can shift positions.)

B. Know that a cat has claws and will not hesitate to remove all the skin from your body. Your advantage here is that you are smart and know how to dress to protect yourself.

I recommend canvas overalls tucked into high-top construction boots, a pair of steel-mesh gloves, an army helmet, a hockey face-mask, and a long-sleeved flak jacket.

C. Use the element of surprise. Pick up your cat nonchalantly, as if to simply carry him to his supper dish. (Cats will not usually notice your strange attire. They have little or no interest in fashion as a rule.)

D. Once you are inside the bathroom, speed is essential to survival. In a single liquid motion, shut the bathroom door, step into the tub enclosure, slide the glass door shut, dip the cat in the water and squirt him with shampoo.

You have begun one of the wildest 45 seconds of your life.

E. Cats have no handles. Add the fact that he now has soapy fur, and the problem is radically compounded. Do not expect to hold on to him for more than two or three seconds at a time. When you have him, however, you must remember to give him another squirt of shampoo and rub like crazy. He'll then spring free and fall back into the water, thereby rinsing himself off. (The national record for cats is three latherings, so don't expect too much.)

F. Next, the cat must be dried. Novice cat bathers always assume this part will be the most difficult, for humans generally are worn out at this point and the cat is just getting really determined. In fact, the drying is simple compared with what you have just been through. That's because by now the cat is semi-permanently affixed to your right leg. You simply pop the drain plug with your foot, reach for your towel and wait. (Occasionally, however, the cat will end up clinging to the top of your army helmet. If this happens, the best thing you can do is to shake him loose and to encourage him toward your leg.) After all the water is drained from the tub, it is a simple matter to just reach down and dry the cat.

In a few days the cat will relax enough to be removed from your leg. He will usually have nothing to say for about three weeks and will spend a lot of time sitting with his back to you. He might even become psychoceramic and develop the fixed stare of a plaster figurine. You will be tempted to assume he is angry. This isn't usually the case. As a rule he is simply plotting ways to get through your defenses and injure you for life the next time you decide to give him a bath. But at least now he smells a lot better.

[MikeW]

As someone who has bathed cats I can both confirm that bathing them can be a challenge and insist that most of the above is unnecessary, even counter productive.

First, it is *best* to begin bathing the cat from a very early age… as a kitten. Properly trained to tolerate it (for them it is perceived as a life threatening experience), almost none of the above is needed. But, even without having that advantage, a few general rules will help.

1: Understand that a cat does NOT like to be in water, period. But especially water that is everywhere or something they are standing in, such as a tub. The latter especially elicits a 'flight/fright' autonomic response. They literally have no, or very little control over it.

2: For this reason it is best to wash them in a sink with a small hand-held sprayer. The drain is not plugged so the water does not get deep around their feet.

3: The water needs to be the right temperature, neither hot nor cold, BUT it does have to be warm enough that the temperature alone will cause them some drowsiness.

4: You do have to have everything ready: Cat shampoo, sink (everything that they can grab onto moved out of the way), and towels for mopping up and drying off the cat.

5: You have to hold the cat by the scruff of the neck, just as their mothers do when they are kittens. Even adult cats can be, to a certain extent, rendered 'paralyzed' by holding them tightly from the scruff of the neck. The trick is to set them in the sink, begin wetting them little by little, speaking in reassuring tones while holding tightly, then messaging in the shampoo and rinsing it off as quickly as possible. Don't be surprised if the cat wails as if it is being murdered. From its point of view that is what is happening. Don't be surprised if the cat attempts to escape. He will. If your cat is not used to this treatment and has a tendency to bite or scratch YOU, then wearing long rubber gloves is advised. However, these do make it more difficult to both hold onto and bathe the cat.

6: In any case, it is best to get the whole thing over with as quickly as possible.

A concluding note: Cats LIKE to be clean. Bathing them full on as described above is not necessary with any recency. In fact, it isn't healthy for them. If a cat has gotten something on his fur that is potentially messy for the house or likely to harm him if he licks it, one solution is to take a damp sponge and simply wipe as much of it off as possible. As a general rule, cats don't mind this so much. Especially if they are used to you 'grooming' them (brushing their fur, which they usually love). But, on the occasion when full-on bathing is required (such as a flea-infestation) the methods outlined above generally work. Again, it does in part depend on the temperament of the animal, your relationship to him, and your understanding of what he is experiencing and how you can minimize that trauma for him.

[LONDONER]

While I appreciate your undoubted knowledge of the subject Mike, did you not realise that my post was meant to be humourous? It was posted under Humour after all.

[MikeW]

Of course I knew it was meant to be humorous. I even LOLed while reading it. But cat bathing is a tremendously serious topic. Ask any cat.

[TwisttheLeaf]

I bathe my cat.... about once every 3 months, yeah?

#1 of the OP is exactly right in my case. I usually pick her up and carry her into the bathroom, nudge the door shut and step into the bath, close the shower door then set her down on the floor of the shower.

I then shower first. (Shampoo, soap, etc. Getting MY shower out of the way before tackling hers.)

Once showered, I pick her up by the scruff and hold her "toddler style" so that she can wrap her arms around my neck. (My cat will at this point then latch onto me like a python.) By this time, she's already soaked by being in the shower with me, so once she's settled and clinging (yes, it hurts) I add her shampoo to the mix and give her a good rub.

I then step under the spray with her (this is about the time she draws blood, but it's usually only a few puncture marks on my abs and shoulders) and quickly rinse her off.

Turn the water off, wring her out. Dry myself off, then wrap her securely in the towel and get out.

I then dry her the best I can with the towel before setting her free to do the rest herself. (I close off the room with her litter box for a couple hours tho. Since I use clumping litter, that could be a god-awful mess. I also close off the bedroom so she can't get the bed wet.)

Voila. Showered cat.


Meanie the Cat

[Uneunsae]

It's a similar battle to get my cat into the carrier so I can take her to the vet. The only way I can do it without looking like I've gone through a shredding machine is to wrap the poor thing in a towel (while locked in the bathroom in case she escapes the towel so I won't have to chase her around). I'm glad I don't have to take her often.

[50Plus]

wow, what is wrong with your cats?

Mine are quite easy to get in the carrier and the last time I bathed Alex he didn't bitch too much and I did not bleed at all. Then again he is 17 and getting mostly senile so perhaps he thought he was just wetting his bed (again).

[MikeW]

Then again he is 17 and getting mostly senile so perhaps he thought he was just wetting his bed (again).

^^ This. I can totally relate.

[MikeW]

It's a similar battle to get my cat into the carrier so I can take her to the vet. The only way I can do it without looking like I've gone through a shredding machine is to wrap the poor thing in a towel (while locked in the bathroom in case she escapes the towel so I won't have to chase her around). I'm glad I don't have to take her often.

My cat *liked* his cat carrier and would often sleep in it. Not sure what to suggest. Poor thing!

[MikeW]

...Voila. Showered cat.


Meanie the Cat

Well, now I never tried that. Actually the last time I had cats (currently do not) they were two brothers from the same litter. Both total sweethearts. But I can't imagine cradling them as you depict. But, then, I'm a wuss when it comes to pain. I taught them as kittens they were NOT to bite or scratch me, least they get bitten on the ear (yes, by me). This they could readily understand.

It was interesting. As adult cats, they liked to PET me to sleep. They'd come lie down next to me as I was falling asleep and one or the other would reach out with there paws and ever so gently draw them across my face without ever extending their claws (often quite near my eyes). Quite wonderful, actually, given how difficult it is for them to do that against their own natural inclination to scratch.