Tres Rosas

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Three Roses
A woman goes to her doctor and says she wants an operation because her vagina lips are much too large. She asks the doctor to keep the operation a secret, as she’s embarrassed and doesn’t want anyone to find out. The doctor agrees.

When she awakes from her operation, she finds three roses have been placed at her bedside.

Outraged, she immediately calls in her doctor and says, “I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!”

“Don’t worry,” he says, “I didn’t tell anybody. The first rose is from me. I felt bad because you went through this all by yourself. The second one is from the nurse. She assisted me with the operation, and she had the operation done herself.”

“And who is the third rose from?” she asked.

“Oh,” says the doctor, “that rose is from the guy upstairs in the burn unit. He wanted to thank you for his new ears!”

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One day while walking downtown, a Human Resources woman was hit by a bus
and was tragically killed. Her soul arrived up in heaven where she was met
at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter himself.
'Welcome to Heaven,' said St.Peter. 'Before you get settled in though, it
seems we have a problem. You see, strangely enough, we've never once had an
HR manager make it this far and we're not really sure what to with you.'
'No problem, just let me in' said the woman.
'Well, I'd like to, but I have higher orders. What we're going to do is let
you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you can choose
whichever one you want to spend an eternity in' the Saint replied.
'Actually, I think I've made up my mind.....I prefer to stay in Heaven'.
'Sorry, we have rules.....' And with that St. Peter put the HR Manager in
an elevator and it went down-down-down to Hell. The doors opened and the HR
manager found herself stepping out onto the putting green of a beautiful
golf course. In the distance was a country club and standing in front of
her were all her friends - fellow HR professionals that she had worked
with. They were all dressed in evening gowns and cheering for her. They ran
up and kissed her on both cheeks and they talked about old times. They
played an excellent round of golf and at night went to the country club
where she enjoyed an excellent steak and lobster dinner. She met the Devil
who was actually a really nice guy (kinda cute), and she had a great time
telling jokes and dancing.
The HR manager was having such a good time that before she knew it, it was
time to leave. Everybody shook her hand and waved good-bye as she got on
the elevator. The elevator went up-up-up and opened back up at the Pearly
Gates where St.Peter was waiting for her.
'Now it's time to spend a day in Heaven' he said. So the HR manager spent
the next 24 hours lounging around on the clouds and playing the harp and
singing. She had a great time and before she knew it, her 24 hours were up
and St. Peter came and got her. 'So, you've spent a day in Hell and you've
spent a day in Heaven. Now you must choose your eternity' he said.
The HR manager paused for a second and then replied, 'Well, I never thought
I'd say this. I mean, Heaven has been really great and all, but I think I
had a better time in Hell.'
So St. Peter escorted her to the elevator and again the consultant went
down-down-down back to Hell. When the doors of the elevator opened she
found herself standing in a desolate wasteland covered in garbage and
filth. She saw her friends were dressed in rags and were picking up garbage
and putting it in sacks for the evening meal. The Devil came up to her and
put his arm around her and laughed at her.
'I don't understand,' stammered the HR manager. 'Yesterday I was here and
there was a golf course and a country club and we ate lobster and we danced
and had a great time. Now all there is is a wasteland of garbage and all my
friends look miserable.'
The Devil looked at her and grinned, 'That’s because yesterday we were
recruiting you, but today you're staff.'

[XRIMO]

I got a good laugh, especially from the second one and my own job, lmao.

[marshlander]

LOL, sounds like Dell's approach to sales and customer service.

[yar]

Loved them, you have quit a range their, from ears to soles.

[Maffyew]

Hahaha i love them both, the first one was funniest for me though haha

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THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE
A beautiful woman walks into a doctor’s office and the doctor is bowled over by how stunningly beautiful she is. All his professionalism goes right out the window.

He tells her to take off her pants, which she does.

He starts rubbing her inner thighs. “Do you know what I am doing?” asks the doctor. The woman replies, “Yes, doctor, I do. You're checking me for abnormalities.”

He tells her to take off her shirt and bra, which she does.

The doctor begins fondling her breasts. “Do you know what I'm doing now?” The woman replies, “Yes, doctor, I do. You're checking me for cancer.”

Finally, he tells her to take off her panties. He lays her down on his exam table, jumps on top of her and he starts fucking her.

He says to her, “Do you know what I'm doing now?”
The woman replies, “Yes, doctor, I do. You're getting herpes. That’s why I’m here!”

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A guy walks into a Pharmacy and says to the pharmacist,
"Listen, I have three girls coming over tonight. I've never had three girls at once. I need something to keep me horny, keep me potent."

The pharmacist reaches under the counter, unlocks the bottom drawer and takes out a small cardboard box marked with a label 'Viagra - Extra Strength' and says,
"Here, if you eat this, you'll go nuts for twelve hours."

The guy says "Give me three boxes."

The next day he walks into the same pharmacy, limps up to the pharmacist and pulls down his pants. The pharmacist is shocked to see his penis is black and blue, and skin is hanging off in some places.

In a pained voice, the man moans out,
"Give me some Deep Heat!"

The pharmacist replies in horror,
"You can't put Deep Heat on that!"

The man replies,
"No it's for my arms, the girls didn't show up."

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FUNNIEST DIVORCE LETTER

[B]Dear Wife:

I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you forever. I've been a good man to you
for seven years and I have nothing to show for it.
These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you quit your job today and that was the last straw.

Last week, you came home and didn't even notice that I had a new haircut, had cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers. You ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps. You don't tell me you love me anymore; you don't w ant sex or anything that connects us as husband and wife.

Either you're cheating on me or you don't love me anymore; whatever the case, I'm gone.

Your EX-Husband

P.S. Don't try to find me. Your SISTER and I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!

@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@[/B]

[B]Dear Ex-Husband -

Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true that you and I have been married for seven years, although a good man is a far cry from what you've been.

I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining and griping. Too bad that doesn't work.

I did notice when you got a hair cut last week, but the first thing that came to mind was 'You look just like a girl!' Since my mother raised me not to say anything if you can't say something nice, I didn't comment.

And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY SISTER, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago. [/B]

[B]About those new silk boxers: I turned away from you because the $49.99
price tag was still on them, and I prayed that it was a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning. [/B]

[B]After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out. So when I hit the lotto for ten million dollars, I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica . But when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason, I guess. [/B]

[B]I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won't get a dime from me. So take care. [/B]

[B]Signed, [/B]

[B]Your Ex-Wife, Rich As Hell and Free! [/B]

[B]P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this, but my sister Carla was born Carl. I hope that's not a problem.[/B]

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A father watched his young daughter playing in the garden.

He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was.

Tears formed in his eyes as he thought about her seeing the wonders of nature through such innocent eyes.

Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground.

He went over to her to see what work of God had captured her attention.

He noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.

'Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?' she asked.

'They're mating,' her father replied.

'What do you call the spider on top?' she asked.

'That's a Daddy Longlegs,' her father answered.

'So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?' the little girl asked.

As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question he replied, 'No dear. Both of them are Daddy Longlegs.'

'The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then lifted
her foot and stomped them flat.

'Well, we're not having any of that poofter shit in our garden' she said.