Mother lost her shit about parter being gay don't know how to help him

[SunDog]

I’m in a new relationship that I’m happy with. Last night at a family dinner my partner’s mother absolutely lost it and aired all of her fears about his sexuality. He is an only child and he nearly died in a car accident 5 years ago. I can understand her fear of AIDS. It as the first time I’d met her and she was polite and acted okay right up until my partner inadvertently referred to sex in an innocent and G-rated way. That seemed to flip her switch. She went from questioning if this life is what he really wants to worrying about him going to hell — she’s a Catholic.

My partner is 22 and has been out to her since he was 16. He never had a permanent relationship before and maybe she found that comforting. I don’t know. But meeting me and seeing the potential for something lasting just really was too much for her to handle. It probably didn’t help that we were having dinner with her brother and his long-term partner (to be married as soon as it’s legal.)

My partner is a basket case today. He is so depressed he doesn’t want to get out of bed. He’s cried until there aren’t any tears left. He took the brunt of her anger and fear. He’s a gentle man who loves her very much and has always tried to make her proud of him. He never knew how she felt, well, he had some idea that she would prefer that it had been a phase, but she seemed to want to meet me.

I don’t know what to do to help him or to help him help himself. His uncle and partner will be over later tonight to try to talk to him. He’d been laid off probably partly because his back was still hurting him from the accident where it never completely healed. He’s telling me I need to go find someone who isn’t “crippled” and who doesn’t have “a crazy mother.” I have no intention of leaving. I’m pretty much in love with him and want him in my life.

I know I need to just be there for him but what does that mean besides being sympathetic. When I came out to my family my father told me I should have died when I accidentally got shot when I was a kid. He’s a LOT better now, but I remember how much it hurt and how much I had wished I’d died. It was really rough for me so I know its about killing him.

Any advice would really help. Thanks.

[MikeW]

It's sort of like a grieving process, right? Your partner has experienced an enormous emotional shock. It's going to take time for him to integrate all this, time to heal. Being there, being open to just letting him have his feelings, whatever they are, and sort of letting them spill though you, listening to what he says but not taking it as 'the absolute truth', I think is about all you can do. It's like holding something open in yourself. Just being present with him in his 'grief' (and all the other emotions, such as fear, anger, rage, sorrow, etc.) that are bound up in it.

However you handle it (and it sounds like you're doing just fine), this is going to be a process. Even if he begins to get beyond the immediate shock in the next week, there are going to be things to deal with. The mother is still in the picture. But what attitude should you, as his partner, take in relation to her? Think about that. What she did was injurious, wounding, perhaps not unforgivable but serious enough that this can't be just passed over. She needs to apologize to both of you (I'd say). Now whether or not she will, whether or not she can engage in a healing process within herself and with her son (and by extension, with you) is something we don't know yet.

Welcome to the forum and don't hesitate to post more if you need. There are many here who will listen and give what advice they can. This is a difficult life situation but, from my limited POV, not an irreconcilable one. Healing may yet happen and in the long run everyone may be better off for it.

PS: My father used me for target practice with his 22 rifle when I was a kid and, later in life, told me I was the biggest disappointment of his life. Just saying, parents can do things to their children that pretty much *are* unforgivable. Yet, my father and I *did* reconcile on his deathbed, for which I am grateful.

[17vs41]

Because the mother has religion influencing her, not much is ever going to change in regards to her views. In her eyes she can never fully accept her son and this is going to be a problem until she removes religion from the equation.

Try your best to be there for your friend and don't let him fall into that dark world that is near impossible to get out of. Explain to him that his mom is very proud of him, but because of her religious beliefs, she may not always show it. As much as it sucks, he and you must respect her beliefs and everyone needs to live their life without judging.

I'd wait until all of this settles down and then the three of you sit down and each of you needs to clearly open up and explain your views and this should bring clarity to everyone. From that point forward everyone should be at peace and life will go one for everyone. No judging, no pointing fingers, no yelling, etc etc. Just let everyone state their case and let it be.

[Anocxu]

I did not read anything in your post about your boyfriend' s relationship with his mother ending..
He needs to wait for the right time to have a long talk with her.
Her concerns are valid.. she just has to open her mind ... I think her son might be the one to help her do that..
At least thats better than Him sitting around crying..

[Camfer]

You can help him figure out what he is going to say to his mother. I suggest he set some boundaries with her, that she is to refrain from saying hurtful things like he's going to hell. I suggest he set some consequences if she does not respect his boundaries, that he will have to minimize his interactions with her if she insists on being a negative influence on his life. If she has nothing positive to say about her son's sexuality and gay relationship, then she can simply remain silent about it.

[Cuddly]

In my mind a longterm relationship decreases the risk of getting HIV. I think that's a major reason why my family so readily accepted my husbear into the family. That and his adorable smile.

Do we know anything of the mother since the incident? Is she sorry and does she regret her outburst? Was she simply overwhelmed and reacted out of panic? Or does she still feel exactly the same? Sometimes we say things we don't really mean, but couldn't find other ways to communicate at the time.
Forgive, but don't forget. Also, how do you feel about what happened? Your boyfriend is probably doubledipping on this; first it offends and saddens him directly, but it also indirectly hurts him because it's his "fault" that you were hurt, or so he might think.
Maybe you can help him feel better about the last part, by assuring him that you're alright and that you can imagine how his mother feels and understand her reaction.

[Bluelight]

The mother might come around. She may be a delusional Catholic (and I say "delusional" because not all Catholics take the extreme sin-labeling and self-righteous finger-pointing to heart), but she loves her son. If you are part of her son's happiness, then she will come to terms with it. She'll definitely keep all those fears for the rest of her life, but she probably won't have another episode like what happened at dinner the other night.

What I don't understand about people like her is that they're so afraid of hell, so afraid of "sinning", yet they manage to dredge up little pieces of hell to earth.

[ObeyTheB]

Hopefully things will cool down between the both of them. My Grandmother is the very same way about my sexuality...Always preaching to me that it's a sin...How all gay people will surely be put to death. I just let her ramble because it's how she was raised. I believe in a God that loves each and every one of us for who we are and who our partners are. My Mom was a different story...She knew all along that I was gay but I think she's going to have a hard time when I finally do bring a partner home. Maybe I am wrong and I hope I am but time will tell...Just like time will tell with you and your partner. I think once things cool off...She will talk to him and reassure him that it's just something she has to get used to. <3