Experienced peoples opinions needed please!

[Steve]

Taking risks in life can lead to rewards. Taking no risks makes you a dull person. The choice is all yours.

You just said a cotton pickin' mouth full. Or you wrote it anyway. Was your mouth full when you wrote it?

Thanks for all the advice folks. I suppose the question comes from wanting to have some level of relationship with another guy. Where or even how to start is beyond me. As for coming out, I really can't see that happening, well definitely not in the near future. But I don't want that to stop me. I guess I'm using this forum as a platform to figure myself out, get advice and try and find where my life is going.

Even one year ago, there would've been no way I'd be on a forum airing who I am and how I feel, all be it very anonymously just in case there's someone out there who would know me!

Don't back yourself in any corners about whether you'll ever be open about being gay. Almost everything changes, and people usually have to change with it. Your opinions about having a relationship and coming out have probably changed since you've started coming here, haven't they? You said it yourself,

Even one year ago, there would've been no way I'd be on a forum airing who I am and how I feel, all be it very anonymously just in case there's someone out there who would know me!

You don't have to dive into anyone's deep end first you know. There's nothing wrong with getting a little more brave everyday. Find a place where you can watch the gay world walk by, a cafe, or a mixed crowd bar. You should really start to find small ways to come to terms with this side of your personality. Being open about who you are isn't going to solve every ill in your life. Often coming out can complicate things in the short term. In the long term, acknowledging who you are and living freely among people you love is like having a huge stone lifted from your shoulders. Keeping in secrets eats at you.

[bilkiba]

You live in London, yeah? I'm given to understand it's a very accepting place... So what's holding you back from coming out? Your family? A homophobic boss at work? Your own fear? If it's just the last one, I highly recommend NOT staying in the closet... I live in a place that just ruled that it is constitutional to ban gay marriage even though the rest of my country is moving forward, but I have no regrets about coming out.

As for a relationship, as others have said, even bad experiences can be worth it (I had a really dreadful ex, needed friends who wouldn't talk about him to get over it, and where I went seeking new friendships lead me to the most amazing SO I could ever imagine) and you don't have to be out to get into a relationship. You could potentially even find someone who lives near you on this very forum... But don't deny yourself a relationship, and like Iceblink said, don't stay in the closet and get together with a woman.

[TwisttheLeaf]

OMG!... NO!
Close to 30% of murders in the U.S. every year are spousal related.

A broken heart is not always the worst outcome...
There is abuse (Emotional, Physical)

Murder is the only thing I would leave off the "worth it" list.

My ex stalked me, broke into, beat the crap out of me and raped me on the bathroom floor. He then, while in jail, convinced someone else to come to my home, commit a home invasion and attack me. I -died- on my kitchen floor (and was resuscitated by paramedics).

The relationship was still worth it. The -experience- was horrible, horrifying.... it left debilitating scars on my psyche. But it was still -worth it-.

Why? Because I LEARNED from the experience. Because I am a different person today because of those experiences.... a better person because I learned from them. Because, in my time of need, I found who I could lean on for support, who I could trust. Who would be there, no matter -what-.

Was it horrible? yeah. Fuck yeah it was. But as horrible as it was, in the end, now that it's over.... it was still worth it. The relationship, and it's outcome, still had value.

There are some people that you should never let in your life!
Choose your partner wisely!

I DO agree with this, though. No reason to intentionally put yourself in harms way. Although I see, and recognize, the value of the experiences I've had... there's just some shit that no one should have to experience.

[Gideon]

Murder is the only thing I would leave off the "worth it" list.

My ex stalked me, broke into, beat the crap out of me and raped me on the bathroom floor. He then, while in jail, convinced someone else to come to my home, commit a home invasion and attack me. I -died- on my kitchen floor (and was resuscitated by paramedics).

The relationship was still worth it. The -experience- was horrible, horrifying.... it left debilitating scars on my psyche. But it was still -worth it-.

Why? Because I LEARNED from the experience. Because I am a different person today because of those experiences.... a better person because I learned from them. Because, in my time of need, I found who I could lean on for support, who I could trust. Who would be there, no matter -what-.

Was it horrible? yeah. Fuck yeah it was. But as horrible as it was, in the end, now that it's over.... it was still worth it. The relationship, and it's outcome, still had value.



I DO agree with this, though. No reason to intentionally put yourself in harms way. Although I see, and recognize, the value of the experiences I've had... there's just some shit that no one should have to experience.

*Has a few moments of stillness when he reads this post and is..taken back to that day, that moment when panic and terror was so fucking overwhelming*

I remember that panic, that sheer terror as I sat here, not having a clue what was going on but knowing, in my heart that something horrible was happening. My terror as I contacted your sister who really didn't even know but believed in me enough to make that call....

The way we held each other up as we waited, second by second, each of us willing you to fight, to come back to us. I -remember- every agonizing moment and how helpless I felt so far away.

That was, by far, the most fucked up, horrible time of my life. Without a doubt.

But I was there, every step, every day...no matter what it took to keep you going, to get you through it...I was right there. I'm still...right here...and I am -so- fucking proud of you. For all that you've gone through, for all that you've -made- it through. For how far you've come and the strength that it took to heal, physically, emotionally..

I love you, man. God it's just...you make me proud to call you mine. You make me proud to be yours.

You were then, and you are now the -strongest- most beautiful man I have ever known.

I'm so lucky to have you in my life.

[TwisttheLeaf]

*Has a few moments of stillness when he reads this post and is..taken back to that day, that moment when panic and terror was so fucking overwhelming*

I remember that panic, that sheer terror as I sat here, not having a clue what was going on but knowing, in my heart that something horrible was happening. My terror as I contacted your sister who really didn't even know but believed in me enough to make that call....

The way we held each other up as we waited, second by second, each of us willing you to fight, to come back to us. I -remember- every agonizing moment and how helpless I felt so far away.

That was, by far, the most fucked up, horrible time of my life. Without a doubt.

But I was there, every step, every day...no matter what it took to keep you going, to get you through it...I was right there. I'm still...right here...and I am -so- fucking proud of you. For all that you've gone through, for all that you've -made- it through. For how far you've come and the strength that it took to heal, physically, emotionally..

I love you, man. God it's just...you make me proud to call you mine. You make me proud to be yours.

You were then, and you are now the -strongest- most beautiful man I have ever known.

I'm so lucky to have you in my life.

I love you so fucking much. I am, without a single doubt, the luckiest son of a bitch in the world.

[Cuddly]

Thanks for all the advice folks. I suppose the question comes from wanting to have some level of relationship with another guy. Where or even how to start is beyond me. As for coming out, I really can't see that happening, well definitely not in the near future. But I don't want that to stop me. I guess I'm using this forum as a platform to figure myself out, get advice and try and find where my life is going.

Even one year ago, there would've been no way I'd be on a forum airing who I am and how I feel, all be it very anonymously just in case there's someone out there who would know me!

Doesn't it cause you pain, to be in the closet? Doesn't it hurt to lie to those around you?
Coming out was definately the best thing I ever did and I'll never regret it. My best friend couldn't deal with it, atleast not at the time, so sadly I lost him. Luckily though, I suppose, he was the only one who had issues with me being gay.

To tell you the truth, I wouldn't date somebody who had no intention of coming out. I hope you'll find somebody to love, who loves you back, and that doing so will give you the push you need and the reasons you seek, to come out and be true to yourself and those around you. It's such a heavy weight off your shoulders, when it happens.

[Bowyn Aerrow]

Hi there folks! Just wondering from those of you who have been in a relationship before, broken hearted or not, I'd like to hear what you think.

I've never had a relationship with a guy, mainly because I haven't come out, and unsure if I ever will. My question is, is it worthwhile getting into a relationship? Even if it ends badly, breaks your heart and leaves you miserable. Or would I be better never getting into one?

It must be, or I'm a glutton for punishment... After 6 relationships, all of which have failed in the end I find that I'm a bit more reluctant to try #7... some days I swear I am totally over the whole 'Lets share a life' and try the 'marriage' thing... then other days I miss the companionship, the togetherness... I would say I miss sex but its been so long I forget what sex is like with another person.... :biggrin:

Humans are wired to pair off and form pair-bond relationships. It satisfies needs in us. Its almost as much a need to be filled like air, water and food.

Each relationship I was in ultimately failed, but during the relationship there were good things, even in the worst relationship there was those moments of good - which is a trade off that I think was, in the long run, worth the bad.

And after the relationships.... I walked away with a bit more experience, better understanding of people in general and more importantly myself.
Granted at the time of a break up it hurts and gets all crappy - but after a spell and with serious owning of own's own part in the failure, one can become better than they were before that relationship.

So is it worth it? I would say yes. Even if the relationship fails epically, there is much one can take with them to use on the rest of their life.

[Curious1]

Thanks again guys, if I'm honest....I can't disagree with anything that's been said here. It all makes sense to me and I see it as valuable and appropriate advice. What's holding me back is the effect coming out will have on my life. My family, whom I love....I don't know what it would do to them, but I do know it would destroy them. I probably couldn't do the work I'm in at the moment either.

In my head, I'd be happy to have a quiet relationship, without the world knowing. Is that reasonable? Has it worked or is it working for anyone? Or does that just break down?

Someone asked if it's London I'm in, the answer is.....I'm so scared of someone coming on here who may know who I am (not sure how they'd know, but just in case) I've changed my location, because I'm such a chicken. I am in Great Britan, but because I really can't see a life beyond the closet, I can't even say where I'm from!

*sigh*

[GBMD9x]

I think taking risks in life can lead to rewards.

[Bhp91126]

Thanks again guys, if I'm honest....I can't disagree with anything that's been said here. It all makes sense to me and I see it as valuable and appropriate advice. What's holding me back is the effect coming out will have on my life. My family, whom I love....I don't know what it would do to them, but I do know it would destroy them. I probably couldn't do the work I'm in at the moment either.

In my head, I'd be happy to have a quiet relationship, without the world knowing. Is that reasonable? Has it worked or is it working for anyone? Or does that just break down?

Someone asked if it's London I'm in, the answer is.....I'm so scared of someone coming on here who may know who I am (not sure how they'd know, but just in case) I've changed my location, because I'm such a chicken. I am in Great Britan, but because I really can't see a life beyond the closet, I can't even say where I'm from!

*sigh*

Ok, let's talk about coming out. You being on here, means that you have accepted yourself as being interested in having a same-sex relationship. That acceptance is the most important coming out ever. Coming out to other people should not happen until YOU are ready for it. Usually that starts to happen when you become so happy with what you are, with your new life, that you don't want to lie to other people anymore, esp. your friends and family. Coming out to loved ones is a big step, so take all the time you need. Just become comfortable with yourself. Joining GaySpeak is a great step to become comfortable around other gay people. Maybe someday soon you can join a coming out group at your local lgbt-center, where you will meet other people wrestling with the same issues. Or some other gay group in "London".

At some point everyone on here wrestled with those issues and ABSOLUTELY EVERYONE is happy they started the process of self-acceptance. Yes, there can be set-backs and some people sadly can be total assholes to gay people, but in general out-life is so much better than denying yourself.