Unexplained Guilt with Older Man

[MoonLemon]

Hey Everyone . I'm new here but let's get this started.

About 4 or 5 weeks ago, I met this really sweet guy online. The only real problem is that he is 30 years older than me. I really don't know why I'm attracted to him, but I really do enjoy spending time with him.

The whole thing has turned into a "friends with benefits" situation. I've always told myself that I would only have sex with people once there's some sort of commitment. I personally made that decision for STD/ emotional reasons. I'm not interested in a relationship with this guy, but I trust him enough to sleep with him every once in a while.

The last time I stayed over his house, I had an immense amount of guilt the next day. Nothing bad happened; in fact I had a lot of fun and it was a nice experience sleeping over. However, I was crying my eyes out (I haven't cried in years) over the fact that I'm seeing this guy. It's hard to process why. Maybe I didn't talk to him enough about STD's before I slept with him the first time. Maybe it's just the pure guilt that I feel judged for sleeping with someone that's so much older. Maybe it's the fact I'm lying to my parents about where I am so often now. Maybe I want a real relationship. It's a combination of a lot of things, really.

The whole thing makes me happy in the moment, when I'm actually at his house. He just got out of an 11 year relationship about 6 months ago, and we are probably going to continue what we are doing until we find our own romantic boyfriends.

I'm planning on sleeping over again in a couple days, but there's this feeling at the bottom of my heart that I'm going to feel terrible afterwards. I've had sex with guys my age before (who I was in a relationship with) with absolutely no guilt.

Should I break the whole thing off (I'm going to college in a couple weeks, isn't like I won't be able to seek relationships/ sex if I want it), or should I try to get over the guilt? The situation with this guy is pretty amazing! He's a nice guy, we talk as friends all the time, and I feel comfortable with him.

I recently had surgery to repair a hernia, and I had some secondary systems because my immune system was shot by the stress on my body. These resembled the signs of early HIV(although none of my doctors were surprised, as they are just general symptoms of a suppressed immune system). THAT scared me a lot too (We are both going to get a test done in a couple weeks just to make sure I'm okay, of course).

The whole thing is coming with some initial stressors, but I really enjoy seeing him. Advice?

[TwisttheLeaf]

Okay. So I could be _WAY_ off the mark. But it sounds to me like you went through a form of "subdrop". (Don't worry, I'm not going to leave it there and leave you wondering what the hell I'm talking about.)

Subdrop is essentially an endorphin shift. I often experience them with Gideon, and in my case, a sense of overwhelming (and unsubstantiated) guilt is a huge factor. In fact, I'm a chronic apologizer during these times. In the times I have given Gideon a subdrop, he also experiences something -very- similar as well.

How this happens is during sex you have an emotional or physical response that creates an intense rush of endorphins. These endorphins give you a bit of a "high" during or immediately after (in the afterglow) of the experience. When those endorphins then start to settle back to normal, you go through a form of "withdrawal" which causes the "subdrop" and it's symptoms.

IF this is what is happening, you will either need to explain to your sex partner what is happening and let his presence help you -through- the subdrop (this can often be referred to as "aftercare"). Suffer it on your own, in which case it will probably take longer to dissipate. OR avoid experiencing it at all by staying more detached during sex.

Note.. this is not something you are likely to experience with every partner you have sex with. It's a reaction to -that person- specifically. I had had a good number of sexual partners prior to meeting Gideon, yet Gideon is the only person I have ever experienced this with.

[East]

I am totally shooting in the dark here but maybe he reminds you of your dad or your grandpa...hence the guilt? The reason I am guessing this is you say you don't have the guilt with people your own age.

[Cuddly]

Hohi this so reminds me of me 8 years ago.
Except we weren't FWB... And I don't recall feeling that guilty. I was paranoid about STDs after we had had sex for the first time though.

If Twist didn't hit the mark, maybe you're just battling with some imaginary boundaries stating that a 30 year age gap is too much and what you're doing is wrong. It's not; have fun be safe.

[LJay]

i think you need to read your post over carefully and say those things to him when you meet. Get past the guilt and have a good time, or get past the relationship and keep the guilt. It is your choice. It really is a shame our culture gives us so much baggage to carry.

[MoonLemon]

It's sort of a gap between the logical and the emotional. I know there's nothing wrong with what I am doing, it's just overwhelming for some reason.

Going with the subdrop theory, I am 100% going to make these emotions known to my partner. I think that will help a lot (especially if said "aftercare" will help). I know that getting past this guilt will open the way for me to have a nice time. But I think the next logical move is to make these emotions known to him (he's understanding, we may only be friends but he cares about my health)

[dynamodean]

I feel only you truly can know why it's bothering you so much. Perhaps you're afraid that your relationship with him might develop into something more? And that you can't envision yourself being in a steady romantic relationship with someone 30 years older?

[Letmar]

I say... the heck with that stupid guilt... I grew up in an ultra Catholic house hold and they pinned each letter of the word GUILT in my spine cord from birth... GUILT is one trait none of us should have, as it stops us from enjoying the things that truly give us pleasure and enlightenment (at least in my case it did for a very long time)
However, with regards to this guy... only you can decide what to do. If it were me... I would spend as much time in bed with him before college... a few months after you go off to college, things will take a natural course in your life, there will be so many chances, friends, interests, activities... but mostly hot guys, funny guys, sweet guys, bad guys, foreign guys... the menu will be endless!
so have fun for the time being... stop crying over it! MAN UP HUN!!! and enjoy the ride... pun intended!
x

[Keith]

u reminded me of my situation! I has been chatting with a guy for half a year. He is 19 years older than me. I met him here, in gayspeak. We are far away in two different countries. I never see him in reality. But i enjoy chatting with him. sometimes we honestly wanna do some exciting thing[you know what i mean.], but distance is a big problem.
For your problem, I think u better let things go on naturally. Do not rush. If your love is strong enough, be together without questions. If excitement just goes away, then let it go.

[MikeW]

... (We are both going to get a test done in a couple weeks just to make sure I'm okay, of course).

You're not BBing, are you? :eek: