Just listen. Don't try to talk when it is not necessary, offer your constant disponibility and understand the 5 stages of grieving since you'll get there too.
I went through those 5 stages several times, I'm from a very large family and lost many good friends (AIDS, Accident, Poverty) and even though I'm well aware of the 5 stages of grieving, I'm still going through them to each and every death and end of a relationship (because ending a relationship is like dying nonetheless).
The stage of mourning someone that was dear to oneself is universal and experienced by people from all walk of life, rich, poor, not so rich and not so poor.
Here's what your friends is going through and yet you'd find out that you're taking some of his own grieving because right now you feel powerless:
1. Denial and Isolation
The first reaction to learning of terminal illness or death of a cherished loved one is to deny the reality of the situation. It is a normal reaction to rationalize overwhelming emotions. It is a defense mechanism that buffers the immediate shock. We block out the words, and hide from the facts. This is a temporary response that carries us through the first wave of pain.
Best last example: Nobody could believe that Robin Williams will go that way. We're all in denial. Imagine, we're not even close to him, so just imagine now when it's someone you cherish, denial can go up for days.
2. Anger
As the masking effects of denial and isolation begin to wear, reality and its pain re-emerge. We are not ready. The intense emotion is deflected from our vulnerable core, redirected and expressed instead as anger. The anger may be aimed at inanimate objects, complete strangers, friends or family. Anger may be directed at our dying or deceased loved one. Rationally, we know the person is not to be blamed. Emotionally, however, we may resent the person for causing us pain or for leaving us. We feel guilty for being angry, and this makes us more angry.
Grieving is a personal process that has no time limit, nor one “right” way to do it.
The doctor who diagnosed the illness and was unable to cure the disease might become a convenient target. Health professionals deal with death and dying every day. That does not make them immune to the suffering of their patients or to those who grieve for them.
Make certain that his mother's doctor to give him extra time to explain just once more the details of his mom's illness. Ask for clear answers regarding medical diagnosis and treatment. Understand the options available.
3. Bargaining
The normal reaction to feelings of helplessness and vulnerability is often a need to regain control–
- If only we had sought medical attention sooner…
- If only we got a second opinion from another doctor…
- If only we had tried to be a better person toward them…
Secretly, we may make a deal with God or our higher power in an attempt to postpone the inevitable. This is a weaker line of defense to protect us from the painful reality.
I am an atheist, and when my son died (he was 6 years old) and I was 23, it was my first son before Joshua, the son I have now, I did catch myself praying a god I don't believe in. It wasn't hypocrisy, it was a state of grieving.
4. Depression
Two types of depression are associated with mourning. The first one is a reaction to practical implications relating to the loss. Sadness and regret predominate this type of depression. We worry about the costs and burial. We worry that, in our grief, we have spent less time with others that depend on us. This phase may be eased by simple clarification and reassurance. We may need a bit of helpful cooperation and a few kind words. The second type of depression is more subtle and, in a sense, perhaps more private. It is our quiet preparation to separate and to bid our loved one farewell. Sometimes all we really need is a hug.
5. Acceptance
Reaching this stage of mourning is a gift not afforded to everyone. Death may be sudden and unexpected or we may never see beyond our anger or denial. It is not necessarily a mark of bravery to resist the inevitable and to deny ourselves the opportunity to make our peace. This phase is marked by withdrawal and calm. This is not a period of happiness and must be distinguished from depression.
Loved ones that are terminally ill or aging appear to go through a final period of withdrawal. This is by no means a suggestion that they are aware of their own impending death or such, only that physical decline may be sufficient to produce a similar response. Their behavior implies that it is natural to reach a stage at which social interaction is limited. The dignity and grace shown by our dying loved ones may well be their last gift to us.
Coping with loss is ultimately a deeply personal and singular experience — nobody can help you go through it more easily or understand all the emotions that you’re going through. But others can be there for you and help comfort you through this process. The best thing you can do is to allow yourself to feel the grief as it comes over you. Resisting it only will prolong the natural process of healing.
So don't call yourself an idiot, I am a psychologist and yet even though I may have answers to a lot of things, when the emotions start governing your mind, there's nothing you can do. It's an internal battle, and every external bodies are just there for assistance and it's up to the grieving person to seek your help. Just make yourself available. Send a message everyday even though he doesn't reply, when he snaps out of its grieving, he will be more than happy to find out that you didn't give up on him.
Give him time, and don't let go. Sometime time is your best friend in such situation.
Last winter, my father in law, Alex's father died, and Alex was inconsolable, he blamed himself for everything, being gay, not being there while his dad was ill, etc. You can just imagine to what we went through and it lasted 3 months, the ever smiling blond surfer boy I knew was a total depressed and different person and it have been energy draining everyday for three months. I couldn't go out, couldn't bring friends at home because his mood was too unstable. He cried a lot in its sleep and it was even worse when we flew to Australia for the burial ceremony, his doctor had to prescribe him medications so he could sleep. It was a hell of a time. Very difficult for him, and very difficult for me to see him that way. He finally accepted it, and one day I woke up and he was cheering again, preparing breakfast for the whole family, but that took three months day to day.
![[-]](https://gayspeak.com/images/duende_v3_local/collapse.png)
) so I guess we're good for another long run lol
