How to feel, I think I'm lost!

[wishamster53]

Sorry this is a long one bless you if you read it all the way through.

So I’ve been dating this wonderful guy for over a year, prior to dating we talked via email and text messages so all in all we have known each other for a little more than 2 years now. We have always been up front and honest about everything with each other from past experiences to what we like sexually and what we don’t like. The one thing that we have always instilled in each other is to be bluntly honest and not to beat around the bush life is too short.

Now onto where I think I'm lost, I love this man so much and I know he loves me just as much if not more. At the beginning of the relationship he had told me he always had problems getting off with anyone regardless of the person and for this I was ok with. I had said to him no problem it is something that we can work on and he agreed. For me I have always had a low sex drive, it was not until I met him and we got about 8 months into the relationship did I start to develop an ever increasing sex drive for him. While he has maintained the exact same stance since the start of the relationship. We have talked about this to the point that it leaves him feeling “broken”, and leave’s me feeling like I'm not good enough for him to get sexually aroused. He has been a champ always getting me off then going to his office and getting himself off to his own style of porn. He doesn’t know what excites him, he has always been stunted in this sense where as I know exactly what gets me aroused and don’t mind sharing it with him because I feel safe and not “exposed”. And when asked what he wants or what we should try its always the day old answer of “I’m not sure”. It’s gotten to the point that when we talk about it he resorts to maybe we should have a threesome, or open the relationship up sexually. I'm ok with this to a certain degree but how can one open a relationship to sex if the partner is unable to perform with you. This is somewhat leaving me baffled, not to mention the fact that it’s been over a month since we have had any kind of intimate action between the two of us.

Now for the final part, we are both incredibly happy with each other love each other beyond what words can describe. There is not a single thing is this world that he wouldn’t do for me and vice-a-versa. Just recently in May 2014 we purchased a house and moved in with each other.

I just need some advice from someone who has been here or may have any kind of insight on how to help us.

[ETOTE]

First,

welcome to the site dude.


Two things stand out to me here that may quickly help right away.
1. his comfort level about sex in general
2. his viewing of porn to get off.

I know exactly what gets me aroused and don’t mind sharing it with him because I feel safe and not “exposed”.

^he needs to get to this point. In having discussions, have you asked him what would make him feel safe in exposing his vulnerabilities?

What type of porn is he watching that always gets him off?

Just off the top of my head I would suggest he or both of you stop watching porn altogether, at least for a few months. Go through a porn withdrawal.

Would also suggest to increase the intimacy in the relationship. Spend more time together being naked. Shower together. Do ordinary, mundane things together without clothes like cooking, cleaning. Don't be afraid to kiss, snuggle, touch and hold each other more.

Do a few minor, spontaneous things that are sexually adventurous and unexpected.
Example: go camping, if there is a lake, river or ocean, go skinny dipping at night, then stroke each other off while kissing and embracing in the water. Maybe bang each other under the stars by the fire pit on a sleeping bag or in the back of a truck.

Laugh more. Make sex fun and cute. Try serving him breakfast in bed by carefully placing a doughnut on the head of your morning wood and bring him a cup of coffee. If he is more into healthier options, use a bagel and OJ or something.

Point being, maybe slightly expand your comfort level to reveal and include his.



DO NOT have a threesome or invite someone into the bedroom.

[Bowyn Aerrow]

If he requires porn to get off chances are he is a porn addict.

The problem is a chemical one, as porn watching and sex release certain brain chemicals. So this is a 'drug' problem, natural drugs they may be, but drugs nonetheless.

http://www.netnanny.com/learn_center/article/175/ is a good read.

I strongly suggest you all study this subject and see if he finds that the over all symptoms apply. If so, then I have no idea what to do....

The problem is that the recovery stage of any addiction has too many alternative programs, some of which work with some people, some of which works better for others.

Finding ones working treatment can be frustrating as hell.

Google the subject: https://www.google.com/?gws_rd=ssl#q=Pro...n+recovery

A therapist may be able to help him... since he doesn't know what he likes (or is he just too ashamed/bashful to admit what he likes?) is a problem that most likely requires a bit of work to figure out WHY he doesn't know.

[meridannight]

i agree that he should cut off porn completely. since his physical needs will still be there porn or no porn, once he's off the porn those needs will have to find a different outlet, which should be with you.

[EvenOlderButWiser]

Moving in together, before getting to the bottom (excuse the pun) of the physical problem between you is actually either a very brave, or incredibly stupid thing for you to do, depending on your viewpoint.

It's a topic that needs careful discussion between the both of you.

The good thing is that you are talking about it and not just ignoring the elephant in the room. The bad thing of course is that you have not found a way through this after 8 months plus together, so I can only imagine how incredibly confused you (both) may be feeling.

That he is suggesting threesomes/more open relationship means he also recognises that this is a problem, and he's worried that you may decide to leave him because of it.

Has he opened up to you about his sexual history (you don't mention how old he is or if this is his first proper relationship). A few posters have recommended some therapy. That seems a bit harsh at this stage. I would recommend finding a gay support group that you would both be comfortable attending, preferable as a couple, but individually if needed. (In the UK that's couples counciling, therapy is more talking to professionally qualified individuals that you usually pay for)

It's clear from your post how in love you both are, so getting over this hurdle is important to both of you. Just talking face to face with someone who is familiar with some of the challenges that a same sex relationship can bring may be enough to unlock the issues and move forward.

Good luck

[East]

Yeah...he could be a porn addict...or maybe he isn't comfortable telling you (or even himself) what excites him. You might have to figure out if you can live with this or not at some point so it doesn't tear you apart inside.

[Borg69]

I think he's conditioned himself to only be able to get himself off with his own masturbation.

That, and/or perhaps he's psychologically unwilling to give up 'control' enough, let himself be vulnerable enough, to allow someone else to be in charge of his orgasms.

[wishamster53]

Hello All,
thanks for all of the input from you guys, sorry have not been around they have changed my work schedule so im trying to adjust from working a morning shift to working a 12 hour night shift its been real fun..

So back to the topic at hand it's possible that he might be addicted to porn. I'm thinking a sex therapist might help with this issue. Since it is the only issue between us that exists! And we both have even gone a week or longer with out watching porn and he still has this issue. Yes i know all about his sexual history as he does mine. And im sure he wants to get over this because the only time the threesome or "open" relationship comes up is when the sex issue boils over with me and i bring it up. I think one of the things that might be interfering with this is that he has conditioned his brain to think of "getting off" as a health process, and has never viewed it as a "pleasure" seeking event in life!