My BF Kissed someone else... ?

[mstg7]

I never thought I'd be posting this subject but, today a friend told me something that changed it all. My BF of 1.5 years, whose birthday is today (what crap) - cheated on me or so I say it's cheating.

A few months ago he went to the club with one of his good friends, I am not jealous and trusted him (hah, ironic, right?), his friend brought a totally hideous guy who he was going out with. Turns out says his friend (who is my employee) that he saw the two of them kissing in the bathroom by the sink at the club. He says he saw them it didnt last too long and then that was that. They didnt talk about it, they didnt do anything else, they didnt exchange numbers or leave together.

By BF came home straight after, I was at home, he didn't mention a word to me. Three months later aka now that I found out I confronted him, his explanation was, "I didn't remember", so I took a moment to call BS on that.

He then says it was a human error and that he was in the bathroom and the other dude came up and kissed him, he says he was tipsy and he just let it roll for a few seconds and that was that. It didn't mean anything and he didn't tell me because he thought I'd break up with him if he told me.

I obviously sent him packing. I have drank to the point of blacking out in my life and alcohol does not make anybody do anything they don't want. If someone kisses you and you don't want it - you push them away. Also, if he had nothing to hide and was not guilty then why did he not tell me that night nor EVER?

To me it sounds like he is guilty and thats that. My question is, what would you all do? In my eyes he deserves zero mercy; had he told me maybe. But since he didn't tell me, I have no way to possibly trust what he says; he says it was just an incident and meant nothing but why trust him? Why trust him if he lied for 3 months and didn't tell me?

Any opinions?

[Wardo94]

In these situations, there's always the "it depends" out look on it, cause' you have to factor in a lot of stuff. People take cheating in different ways and other people give those that cheat second chances. And there's also the intensity of the cheating. To me, it sounds like it was a mistake, but he should have owned up to the music. I personally would have been more mad at the fact that he didn't tell me. Now, if they were both sober, and they just have full blown out sex, then that's a different story to me. What you did, wasn't wrong. He should have told you in the first place and take what was coming to him. Others would say what he did wasn't that bad. Like I said, everybody will interpret it differently. What matters, is what you believe is right, and what kind of respect you think you deserve. If you really don't want to give him a chance, that's fine. It happens and maybe things will patch up in the future. But what he did was wrong, and it is you who decides for yourself, if you want to risk having that happen again, and putting up with it.

[BlueStar]

Trust is an unvaluable gift, and it seems you gave your trust too easily by letting him go out with that friend you thought was a good guy. This guy who accompanied your bf to the club should never have brought a totally hideous guy with them, and if he really had good intentions to both of you, shouldn't have told you about your bf kissing the random guy. Learn to control who your future partner goes out with, because most people especially in job's space are wicked. Be careful who you trust.

IMO you're as much to blame for your bf's mistake as him.

[TwisttheLeaf]

During the first half of our relationship (Gideon and I have been together 6 years now) I did a very stupid thing and gave a guy who offered me cash a blowjob. I wasn't drunk. I wasn't high. I wasn't even depressed. I was desperate, the offer was there. I was desperate enough to take it.

I went home, waiting somewhere around 24 hours... then confessed.

I hurt him. I -CRUSHED- him with what I had done. But he forgave me. I don't know how he forgave me. I don't know how, after what I'd done, he trusted me afterwards and since. But he did... and does.

Everybody can say "I'd do this or that" in a hypothetical situation, but the fact is that until it happens to you? You don't know what you'll do. It depends on where you're at in your life, in your relationship, etc.

Was your reaction an overreaction? I dunno. In my most vulnerable of moments, if something like that happened to me? Chances are I'd have done the same thing. At other times when I feel more stable and balanced, maybe not.

I'm sorry you were hurt. I hope you recover quickly and don't let it tinge your view of all men and relationships in the future.

[Gideon]

This kind of thing hurts, it does, there's just no getting around that. But there are factors I would consider too, if it had been Twist who was kissing someone else...(or doing other things)

Did he initiate the kiss? Did he enjoy it? Did he keep it going or stop it after that moment of "shock"? Did he regret it? Did he come clean?

Twist would always confess, even if it takes him a bit to get up the courage to spill it to me...it's how he's wired, he couldn't keep something like that from me. I know this because I know him and from past experience...he'll tell me, even if it's going to hurt me, even if it could hurt our relationship.

Would I forgive him? Yes, probably. Would I be hurt? Absolutely.

There isn't a whole lot I wouldn't or couldn't forgive him for, because, frankly, I'm in love with him and that love doesn't come with conditions. We are all human, we all make mistakes from time to time. I know that hurting me -hurts- him and that he wouldn't use this knowledge and my love for him to "get away with" doing it again or something more. He wouldn't take advantage of that. I have -that- much trust in him and what I mean to him.

I've told him many times before...there is NOTHING we can't get through together. And I honestly believe that.

[jimcrackcorn]

One of the secrets of keeping a relationship together for the long haul,, is being able to forgive your partner..

If my husband kissed someone in a bathroom,,, I'd be mad,,,,, and,,,, I'd make him brush his teeth & gargle with a good mouthwash before he would be allowed to kiss me again!!! As for kicking him to the curb,,, no. He'd have to do a lot worse than that before my heart gets unrepairably broken.

[ltorr]

One of the secrets of keeping a relationship together for the long haul,, is being able to forgive your partner..

If my husband kissed someone in a bathroom,,, I'd be mad,,,,, and,,,, I'd make him brush his teeth & gargle with a good mouthwash before he would be allowed to kiss me again!!! As for kicking him to the curb,,, no. He'd have to do a lot worse than that before my heart gets unrepairably broken.

Agreed, you've got to dig deeper sometimes and really think it through.

[meridannight]

''zero mercy'' for a tiny first-time kiss? it's your life and your priorities but i say that is a gross exaggeration. if it was a repeated offense, maybe, but kicking him out at the first chance something goes wrong....and for something as innocent as kissing? be mad at him, yell at him, don't talk to him for a while, whatever, but ending the relationship for this seems a bit extreme.

yeah you can push a guy away before he kisses you but sometimes that is not as black and white as that. he is a physical being, and he reacts physically to other guys. it happens. he didn't take it any further, he didn't even exchange numbers with the guy, he cut it off at the kiss. what are you expecting? a guy who never feels physical attraction to another man while he is in a relationship with you? someone whose hormones go into overdrive just for you alone? a guy who enjoys only kissing you? because such a guy doesn't exist.

yeah, the fact that he kissed him means he probably liked it. does it also mean it was more important to him than you? obviously not.

[Camfer]

I think you've been watching too many telenovelas and are overreacting, playing the victim here. Your BF has not been lying to you for three months. A trivial thing happened not even worth mentioning from his perspective.

Frankly I question the "friend" who told you about this. What was the "friend's" motivation, and why tell you now?

You "obviously" sent him packing? Well no, that's not the obvious thing to do. The obvious thing to do is to behave like an adult, tell him how it makes you feel, and make a request (not a demand) of your boyfriend going forward from this day. Your hurt does not give you license to hurt him back by "sending him packing." Your hurt opens up the possibility of dialogue, understanding, and forgiveness.

Your BF is not going to behave exactly how you want him to behave. He is his own person. You cannot control him. It looks like you two have some differing outlooks on some situations. As you fumble through life as we all do, you will make some choices that are different from your partner's. Coming to understanding about it is a mark of maturity.

Given your reaction to the situation, your BF's decision not to tell you makes perfect sense. He wanted the situation to be forgotten and well in the past. How about you?

[Iceblink]

If this is all it takes to make you break up with your boyfriend, you are never going to make it through a relationship. It was an error on your boyfriend's part, but not a relationship ending offense.

Like Camfer, I am also wondering about the motive of the friend, your employee, that told you this. If the person had called you right away or the next time they saw you at work, I would just write it off as busybody who did not know when to mind his own business, but this was someone who held onto the information for three months and then decided to share it. There must be some reason why.